Let’s all get on the same page. Okay? The bash word of the week is “irresponsible.” Use it at your leisure for seven days and then move on. It is being used now by the Bush administration gang the way Mark Antony used “honorable” to describe Julius Caesar’s assassins at the great leader’s funeral. Antony’s usage was ironic. The Bush gang’s usage is less sophisticated.

Antony was able simultaneously to seduce his opposition with apparent flattery and rile the Roman crowd who didn’t miss the intended irony one bit. Bush has left his seduction club at home in his other golf bag. That leaves riling, and he will rile away ‘til the cows come home.

Antony was a protégé of a more powerful man who subsequently rose to power on his own, but thanks completely to that man. So is Bush.

Antony eventually had an affair with his mentor’s former mistress (Cleopatra). Bush…well, times have changed.

Antony’s speech led to war. Bush doesn’t need to lead to war. He’s already got one.

Antony’s choice repeated adjective of the moment was aimed at a group of senators. So is Bush’s.

Antony’s speech was in defense of single strongman rule – dictatorship. He had offered to crown Caesar emperor. Antony’s subsequent war established a triumvirate (himself and two others) to rule the still growing Roman Empire. The idea was it would take three people to fill the shoes of one Julius Caesar, or so Antony thought. This triangle proved to be unstable. Another part of the triumvirate (Octavian) seized power alone and changed his name to Augustus Caesar (meaning “Big Caesar”) to celebrate his triumph. It would be like Bush changing his name to “Magna Bush” or “Terminator Bush” as a way of delineating himself from his father.

The murderous senators thought they were defending democracy. (Sound familiar?) Instead, they opened the door for the biggest despot the world had seen to that point. It took 1776 years for some other folks to take a stab at establishing democracy again half a world away.

For all this trouble two thousand years ago, we got the names of two of our months – July and August, the two hottest. Hot dog.

All of this is to say “plus ca change plus c’est le meme chose.” This was something a few Blue Bloods were heard mumbling as they made their way up to the guillotine platform during another attempt at establishing democracy. Lo and behold, their blood wasn’t blue. Who knew?

The French democratic experiment created Napoleon, who gave Augustus Caesar a run for the title of “Biggest Baddest Monster Cheese of All Time.” Napoleon didn’t wait around for an Antony to offer him a crown. He crowned himself emperor. This is what is called “progress.”

Napoleon wanted to teach the Russians a lesson in the joys of governmental evolution, and about 200,000 of his own soldiers froze to death as a price for that seminar.

In the bygone 20th century, there were three other attempts at supplanting monarchies with group rule or “government by the people.” One gave us Stalin, another gave us Hitler, and the third gave us Mao.

All of this reminds me of another quote: “The best laid plans o’ Mice an’ Men, Gang aft agley/An’ lea’e us nought but grief and pain, For promis’d joy!” This wasn’t written by John Steinbeck. It was written by Robert Burns, a Scotsman who understood what it was like to have the tar and stuffing beaten out of you for a thousand years by the British. The little island blood feud was finally settled (sort of) to form the United Kingdom when the British monarch (Elizabeth I) didn’t produce an heir. Elizabeth was succeeded by her nephew James, the reigning King of Scotland, whose mother (Mary) Elizabeth had beheaded. This was how they settled wars in the old days.

We are currently searching for another method…I think.

Let’s go back to the word “irresponsible” itself. To call someone “irresponsible” doesn’t really have a Patrick Henry-esque ring to it. You get the feeling that the noun “cad” should follow it. Now we are really off in left wimp field. It sounds like a euphemism used at a slightly racy Victorian tea party. “I have to use the irresponsible, Dolores, to powder my nose. I’ll be back in five minutes. Don’t you dare start desert without me.”

No, Bush would do better if he said things like: “They’re a bunch of truth-squashing, scum-eating vermin.” He needs words he can sink his canines into.

Besides, Bush calling the Democrats “irresponsible” in this fracas is like the pot calling the kettle “over-rated cookware.” It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just Bush saying it but there is an obvious lexiconic conspiracy afoot here since that word is leaking out of every hole in the crate of state. “Okay, guys, here’s the deal. We call them ‘irresponsible.’ Capiche? Memorize it. It’s this week’s code word. If I hear you use one adjective, I want to hear that one.”

Say it a million times. Drill it into the public mind. Then even the responsible ones look “irresponsible.”

Bart Whiteman
Bartwhiteman@aol.com