If I had my way, the Hamilton County Jail would be nearly vacant every day. And if I could hold a magic wand, there wouldn’t be a speck of high grass in the freeway medians. We would have planted flowers at every street corner and our public buildings would be so clean a germ wouldn’t stand a chance.

This is all as a result of a marvelous story in Monday’s newspaper about a group of inmates at the Walker County (Ga.) State Prison who are actual firefighters. That’s right – the convicts go on fire calls. I have long contended that what today’s society ought to do is further tap in to an unbelievable source of energy by using prison labor to make our world better.

Because I believe, in my heart of hearts, that most prisoners are in the hoosegow because they were once struck hard by stupid rather than possess some scary gene known only to serial killers, I have long dreamed of a “two for one” deal where the majority of those now languishing behind bars would be able to “work their way” to freedom.

My plan is simple. I’d let every prisoner with more than two years left on his sentence get a two-day credit for every one day he or she worked to pay their debt to society. In short, a dummy with a six-year stint could walk in three if he would give me “hard labor” instead of attending “crime school” sitting around in the cell block each day.

It would be under minimum security because if the convict goes stupid while in the work program, then guess what? The two-for one deal works both ways – when we catch you after your escape you’re looking at 12 years instead of six. Oh, the downside would have teeth, but the reward for “going straight” in the program would be worth it.

Better yet, I’d get the white-collar criminals to actually oversee the program, to make sure when the tractors were brought back late every afternoon another “team” of former car thieves and strip-shop artists would maintain the equipment during the night. Are you kidding me – the possibilities are endless.

Prison overcrowding? I’d have a 24-hour industry with those earning our trust branching out to vacant schools and other now run-down public buildings to create minimum security dormitories as the initiative grew. And, again, I’d let the convicts oversee it because if they knew their time behind bars would also be increased by a foul-up, they would watch the chicken coop pretty closely.

I’m not so naive that there wouldn’t be problems, especially at first, but I’d make the “work” program so appealing that anyone now locked up in an eight-foot cell would do anything to be part of it. With just minimal imagination we could do more to “rehabilitate” any miscreant with a long-handled shovel or a school mop bucket than we are today with some dreamy jailhouse psychologist.

Every prisoner would have to apply for the program with an essay and interview why he or she should be included. Then a panel of hardened convicts – already in my management phase – would have to first approve the application before it would finally be forwarded to dutiful prison officials for final approval.

Certain criminals, those in for capital offenses and heinous stuff, wouldn’t be eligible, but as I was thinking about the masterminds like Bernie Madoff and Bernard Ebbers not long ago, I wondered just “what if” we could harness those brilliant minds in now a positive and constructive way that would lessen the staggering costs our nation has incarcerating people.

“Sheriff Joe,” my Arizona hero who makes his prisoners were pink suits, has it right when he has guys who have killed people in DUI cases dig graves for other victims. No, I believe you shouldn’t make a prisoner grovel like they do in China or Russia, but, instead, we ought to give any who want it a chance to get out early if they’ll work for it.

If I was a judge, and I heard about an inmate on a fire truck who saved a kid from a burning building, I’d give him a “get out for free” card. If I was an inmate, the ability to work all day trimming trees in public parks or sweeping sidewalks all night or just being outside renovating some building would be heaven compared to sitting in a cell and listening to some moron tell me the best way to pick a safe.

Garbage collection? Leave it out by 6 p.m. and during the night the prisoners will pick it up. Recyclable products? Imagine what convicts could do to make that thing work. School janitors? You’d be amazed how the floors would shine every morning.

Problems? There would be some headaches, but nothing compared to what is steadily streaming out of the courts each day. Solutions? There would be a dark and cold place like the now-vacant Brushy Mountain for any convict who turned “rabbit” in the program and not even the dumbest-of-the-dumb would want to go there.

I’m telling you that we as a nation ought to take our huge prison population and use it for the good. If we could somehow get the most cunning, conniving, ruthless, despicable, and terrible among us to draw the map, I’d give them a two-for-one deal, too.

No, Bernie Madoff still ain’t got much hope when we whack his 150-year sentence in half, but something tells me just coming up with an idea and plotting a solution and thinking of ways for some prisoners to help society has a certain solace to it. And when Bernie’s time finally comes, he’d know that in the end he’d tried to help this world instead of hurting it so terribly.

The really big part, no matter on the county, state or Federal level, is that you are creating for every convict a chance. That is more than most have now.

In the meanwhile, our prisons continue to fill.

royexum@aol.com