Body Image. Two words, that when put together, can make or break a woman. Being the fifth girl in my family, it was hoped that I would be a boy; my grandfather even nicknamed me ‘his boy’. When I was three years old Mama cut my hair very short and people called me a boy, but I knew I was a girl - it was very important to me to look like a girl.

Before puberty and getting my curves, I didn’t want my straight and narrow ‘boy’ body as a 10-year-old. I was fortunate and did not deal with putting on weight until I was married and having babies. After that my whole body changed and it seems I have always had to work at staying in shape. I had some years off and on when I let circumstances put extra weight on me. I battled it out with losing and gaining.

I did like the fact that no matter what my weight was my shape was proportioned. If I gained in my hips, I also gained in my chest. I was always an hour glass no matter how much ‘sand’ I carried. So, when I felt nodules in my breast recently and dealt with setting up a mammogram, yes, I thought about “what if”.

What if I did get cancer and what if I had to ever have my breast removed? I would no longer have the forgiveness of proportion saving me from looking like Humpty Dumpty. Thankfully, I was able to be seen by the caring staff at Memorial Women’s Center in Ooltewah and found no threat to my health.

My test came out fine as I knew they probably would. But for that brief time of concern I wondered how it would affect me if I ever had to lose that part of my body. The beautiful, strong women I know who have had lose their hair or a part of their body are the most beautiful ever and, yes, it is natural to have those same questions I had.

How important is it for a woman to feel beautiful? What makes us feel beautiful? Who decides what beauty is? We have heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and, I believe that is true. Oh how disastrous that many women behold their own beauty as lacking or flawed. I have been one of those women who were her own worst critic, judging myself much more harshly than I would judge anyone else. I saw the beauty in other people no matter what their shape, size or race - yet when it came to me; I never measured up in my own eyes.

During the beginning of my divorce; what had begun part of the healing process for me was in reading a book with a group of women studying a book called “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldridge. This book was not a normal Bible study book and that made it an interesting read; plus the fact that it was about me. The woman that I was (who I thought nobody else knew) - my fears, what I was trying to escape being, traits that I had that I thought were ‘wrong’. I had always read books that told me what type of woman I ‘should be’ or what type of person that I needed to try to become. This book taught me that I was exactly who I was supposed to be and I needed to accept that woman and learn to embrace her and help her shine.

I have always been an open and honest person unafraid to share my life experiences but I never knew why I was like that or that it was okay. Was I wearing a mask? Was I still somehow hiding part of me from others? I didn’t think so. I was fairly open about life experiences, pain and how I overcame obstacles in my life. I loved sharing what God had done in my life and I used it to encourage another person who needed reinforcement.

I wasn’t one to carry my pain as my identity or baggage that weighed me down. I have always had a positive spirit to take my licks and move on. I didn’t shove things under the rug to hide it if God could use my experience for the good of someone else. So how could I be a mask wearer? It was because I would not release the beauty that was dwelling inside me.

The book Captivating tells us that God gave Eve a beautiful form and a beautiful spirit. She expresses beauty in both. Better, she expresses beauty simply in who she is. Like God, it is her essence. A man’s essence is his strength in action. He bears this image of God and is a warrior. Beauty invites, it captures you, such as beautiful music or a painting.

It was a pivotal moment in my life to learn this.

Beauty is important. When we think of the chaotic moments of our lives - whether it is traffic jams, busy jobs or ill health – we long for that escape to something beautiful – an oceanside or the mountains. It refreshes us. Beauty is necessary to embrace in our lives. This is not to say that beauty is what society today defines as beauty - the collagen, nips and tucks available or the fancy clothes in a nearly curve-less size. 

I think every woman emanates beauty – yes, even tom-boys and women who may be considered more masculine than others. It’s just the way we are created. We are emotional beings; we are nurturing and we build relationships. We are created differently than a man and it is okay. Some women who feel less like a nurturer and not as feminine may compete with men wanting to be just ‘as good as’ they are – and they are as good. We all are. We are ‘human-beings’ and therefore no one is better than another. What we each bring individually is a beautiful thing. We just need to embrace what type of person we were created to be and see it as our asset.

Stronger women, who are born leaders excelling in their careers, who can talk about business, politics and stocks as well as any man; are still just as feminine inside. They may not show it or they may be afraid to allow that to ever surface, but it’s there - that inward beauty that only needs to be accepted and embraced in order to shine.

My best friend is a very strong, intelligent woman, a single mother doing it all. I admire her so much and she is as beautiful to me as any woman who has less stress, who isn’t as competitive or athletic as she is. My best friend is a woman of true beauty.

We are quite different types of women. I am the domestic type, I love to cook and clean and I am very patient and understanding. I am not great at being the pragmatic thinker. I do not keep up with political conversations and it bores me to talk business. I can talk all day long about fashion and hair or make-up. I envy my BFF at times, wishing I could be as strong or as disciplined as she is. She is career oriented and seems to be a problem solver where I would throw my hands up and ask someone if they know the answer. Even though she exudes strength, she is feminine as well.

But neither of us is any more or any less of a woman than the other. Neither of us are less or more beautiful than the other. We are both women though we are different and we have journeyed together in our friendship learning to accept the type of woman we were created to be, instead of fighting against it or comparing ourselves to each other or other women.

We both have our days when we get down and don’t feel very beautiful, but it’s a learning process and an un-learning process. We have to un-learn the bill of goods we have been sold by society and, sadly, sometimes what our families had taught us. Where my best friend lost her mother very early and her father taught her to be strong and self-sufficient; I lost my father early and my mother taught me to ‘just get married’ and keep a clean house. We had different upbringings and one was not better than the other; they were just our own individual journeys.

In fact, where I see her as being a strong woman, she would in turn remind me how strong of a woman I am because she has seen me overcome so much. Women do embody strength and, for some reason we will strive to show that side of ourselves; yet we will sometimes ignore or reject the fact we are beautiful. How many times have you complimented a woman only to hear her downplay herself or not accept the compliment? How many women don’t feel beautiful because of how we are taught as a society to measure beauty?

Once a woman learns to respect herself, to accept who she is and not fight against it; she will finally illuminate all of her beauty inside and out. We all have our ideal of what we think we should be or would like to become; but instead of struggling with who we are not… we should try to embrace all that we are and learn how to enhance what individual characteristics we were born with. We are not ‘too much’ of anything or ‘not enough’ of anything. We are exactly what we are supposed to be, but where we fall short is by not accepting our given traits and learning how to best enhance them.

Some women are free spirited and adventurous and should not apologize for it. Some women are quiet and thoughtful and should not apologize for it. Some women are funny and zany – the lists go on! We are to celebrate who we are as women. We are to be respected no matter what type of woman we are. We are to be true to ourselves and not apologize for who we are. Yes, we all need to be respectful of others, tactful and caring… but it begins (men and women) by respecting and loving who we are and were created to be.

I wrote a poem early this year that sums up so much of the wisdom I had learned as I have embarked on this journey to accepting the woman I was made to be:

And That Makes Me Beautiful

I am an emotional creature – of that you can be sure.

Things affect me deeply, leaving my thoughts obscure.

I am a defender of others, but I am in need of defending,

I may seem strong to conquer all but sometimes, I run out of the strength I’m lending.

I am a giver of life; I carried my children inside me,

I am their prayer warrior loving them when they can’t see.

I am a woman - and that makes me beautiful.

When the world is hard, I add a special touch for others delight,

I create; I decorate, making things just right.

Darkness comes and it’s time to rest,

I look around me and see how I am blessed.

I want to encourage others to see that they are too,

I build relationships in all that I say and do.

I am a woman - and that makes me beautiful.

My heart is tender and soft, I love all of what life brings

My heart is powerful and it feels a million things.

My capacity to forgive when wronged is vast,

But I still need to be stood up for, when I am thought of last.

When I am a lone, I am a warrior the adventure is mine,

Hiding my battle scars, lest my vulnerability to find.

I am a woman - and that makes me beautiful.

When I am loved, I am light and my beauty is enhanced,

I lose inhibitions and I welcome the dance.

With the fragrance of my hair that passes by in a whirl,

I am a woman, yet also a girl.

The softness of my skin, the shape of my silhouette to hold;

Is a treasure that not just anyone can have, for it is gold.

I am a woman - and that makes me beautiful.                                                                              

Jen Jeffrey

jen@jenjeffrey.com