Roy Exum: We’ve Got Until 11:11 AM

Friday, December 21, 2012 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

There are those among us who actually believe that the world will end this morning at 11:11 a.m. Seriously, I know people who are waiting to pay electric bills, maxing their credit cards and refusing to buy gasoline, all based on a loose interpretation of the ancient Mayan calendar that claims the apocalypse will occur shortly after 11 o’clock this morning on this, 12/21/12

I haven’t paid much attention to the hoopla, mainly because I never heard a doomsayer yet who got it right, but in my morning readings yesterday I got a real jolt. Fox News had a big story with the headline, “The steamy climax: Searching for sex before the world ends.” Whoa, I had no idea that was part of the deal.

Is this a great country or what!

The report, taken from a titillating story that appeared in the New York Post, quoted the beautiful model Niki Ghazian as saying, “If I die, I don’t want to die on a dry spell.” She also said, “Everybody should go out feeling satisfied. If the world is going to end, why hold back?”

By gumbo,  that’s a swell philosophy. Niki, it seems, has a law degree but makes considerably more playing in the “Lingerie Football League” and having her picture taken wearing just her underwear a whole lot. As a matter of fact, because she moved to America from Iran at a very young age, she goes by the moniker, “The Persian Barbie.” I know because I checked with Google.

Another New Yorker, Sara Saperstein, told the Post, “It’s like New Year’s Eve … I want to go out on a wild note,” while 35-year old Kerri McMearty, a nurse from Long Island, said she wanted to spend her last night on earth enjoying a boozy dinner with a new man. “You come into the world with people – you may as well go out with them. Some last comforting kiss, hug, whatever.”

Are you kidding me? The article said that more than a dozen clubs and bars in New York City were throwing end-of-the-world bashes last night and that singles were posting ads on Craigslist and hunting for “apocalypse-themed dates, casual encounters, and even ‘end of the world sex.’”

Well, I immediately went to the Chattanooga site on Craigslist yesterday and found no such a thing. Of course, when you are three years older than the sport of baseball it’s all really quite harmless – but hysterically funny. All of a sudden the ancient Mayan calendar had new meaning. Doomsday Eve seems much better than New Year’s, you know? And like Niki implores us, “… Don’t die on a dry spell.”

For the record, the descendants of the ancient Mayans say the calendar didn’t really say this was Doomsday. Instead, wood carver Santos Esteban in Yaxuna, a Mexican village of fewer than 700 Mayans, told reporters this week a key phrase was misinterpreted. They believe the calendar really says it is the “end of an era” – not the world – and they promise no one is going to die or get a break on their credit-card debt.

"It's an era. We are lucky to see how it ends," said the wood carver. He instead believes it is a huge occasion and is eagerly looking forward to a new age. "Lots of people say it's the end of the world, but we don't believe that," he said.

Meanwhile, officials at NASA were getting about 300 calls an hour yesterday. “Will a rogue planet crash into Earth?” and “Is the sun going to explode?” and “Will there be three days of darkness?” That’s the truth -- I am being totally honest – people believe this stuff.

If you’ll go to the NASA website, as 4.6 million others have just done, there is a video that clearly states, “The world will not end in 2012. Our planet has been getting along just fine for more than 4 billion years, and credible scientists worldwide know of no threat associated with 2012.”

The Vatican issued a statement that the Mayan doomsday prediction “was not even worth discussing” and the Holy Bible clearly reads, “No one knows when that day or hour will come —not the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father” (Matthew 24:36). That said,, hundreds of thousands around the world are still pretty nervous.

Don Yeomans, a Senior Research Scientist at NASA, explained the infatuation. "There apparently is a great deal of interest in celestial bodies, and their locations and trajectories at the end of the calendar year 2012. Now, I for one love a good book or movie as much as the next guy. But the stuff flying around through cyberspace, TV and the movies is not based on science. There is even a fake NASA news release out there..."

So, let’s get back to those celestial bodies in New York, where bartender Rob Rossi was not nearly as gung-ho as the throngs he expected at his saloon last night. “There's going to be a lot of babies created, a lot of mistakes made,” he shakes his head at the thought of Doomsday Eve. “I'm not even going to try. God forbid I die and the person's in my life in the next afterlife telling me, ‘Hey, we hooked up, now we've got to spend eternity together’. Not no, but (heck) no!”

C’mon, this is too funny. And lest you worry about getting your whole life sorted out by 11:11 a.m., let me leave you with the thought that back in 2000 BC, the Mayan culture didn’t have time zones. That way you can get a couple of extra hours if you really want by using the Pacific Time Zone angle.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

The Persian Barbie
The Persian Barbie

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