Eva Milligan, just one of very many across the state who are fed up with Tennessee’s ridiculous auto emissions effort, wrote a letter to Chattanoogan.com last week that painfully told how she had spent over $1,000 to get her 1997 Ford Ranger through the scam and how she was still unsuccessful. She also pointed out such testing is fruitless – except to government coffers – and should have noted that just six counties out of 95 in the state participate, which further makes it a state-mandated hoax.

Now consider the fact that in Washington yesterday President Barack Obama has agreed to grant 10 states a waiver from the “No Child Left Behind” federal laws, including Tennessee and Georgia.

There are 28 other states that want a waiver, too, and, brother, if I were running for re-election, that’s a tasty trump card for a Democrat to play right now. The president, skillfully blaming somebody else for the shaky law that probably has hurt more than it has helped in the last 10 years, issued a statement that read, “After waiting far too long for Congress to reform No Child Left Behind, my administration is giving states the opportunity to set higher, more honest standards in exchange for more flexibility.

“Today, we’re giving 10 states the green light to continue making reforms that are best for them. Because if we’re serious about helping our children reach their potential, the best ideas aren’t going to come from Washington alone. Our job is to harness those ideas, and to hold states and schools accountable for making them work.” Wow! As I point out the man said “higher, more honest standards,” also please note that the President himself admitted, “The best ideas aren’t going to come from Washington alone.”

I applaud the waivers. The once-a-year test, called an Adequate Yearly Progress (AYP) exam, has become the single worst thing ever perpetuated on education and the best teachers across America grimace at the pressures imposed by their superiors that have caused widespread cheating, “erasures” on even the elementary level, and some glorious educators to find work in an entirely different field.

Why not do the same thing with the emissions centers? As Eva Milligan’s letter and others have pointed out, any fool can see testing in Hamilton County is wrong when all the surrounding counties aren’t required to do the same and our freeways are filled with non-compliant traffic. Just drive down the freeway or any main street and study the tags. I know several people who even drive to nearby counties to get license tags, not just so they will avoid the $10 yearly fee but also the hassle and the haughty bullying that the emission centers are quick to push on so many hapless Hamilton County residents. Cheating? You bet. If I could have talked to Eva I would have told her to simply go get a bottle of “Guaranteed To Pass” (Amazon.com sells it for $11.63). Maybe that’s not what it is really called but almost every independent auto parts shop has the stuff. You pour the whole bottle in your gas tank, fill it with gas and drive around the week before your tags expire. When the tank is almost empty, you fill your tank again, this time without the miracle juice, drive about 20 miles to burn the residue away, and try not to giggle when you roll in for the test.  Even the worst jalopy – temporarily purged -- will pass like a champ every time. So help me, my team of experts – who specialize in beating any senseless ruse - loyally swear by the stuff.

The box actually says, “Pass the emissions test or double your money back!” That’s what I am talking about. There are other ways to make a car pass. Nifty little tricks, admittedly, but many kind and noble people don’t have access to such unconventional wisdom.  Tennesseans, you see, are crafty and while some yelp, “That’s not legal,” consider the fact that Eva spent $1,000 trying to get her Ford Ranger repaired and it still won’t pass. Heck, I don’t think it should be legal to take advantage of another’s misfortune but shade-tree mechanics and poorly-trained technicians can fleece an unsuspecting driver faster than a fat sheep.

So what do we do? Here’s an idea. Do you know that the Hamilton County mayor and County Commission members are up for election? Some are already running strong with signs appearing this year before the jonquils. Now, you saw what crafty Barack just did with the “No Child Left Behind” waivers. C’mon, this is easier than connect-the-dots.  Just as the President said, “The best ideas aren’t going to come from Washington alone,” let’s crank that down a notch and send the State Capitol notice “the best ideas aren’t going to come from Nashville alone.”

Go after your state representatives, your commissioners and the county mayor. If people are fed up with a $10 auto emissions fee that offers the citizens absolutely nothing in return, the power is at the ballot box, my friend.

Governor Bill Haslam, give him credit, did a wonderful job in making sure Tennessee was on the Thursday’s waiver list but you have to remember, as the former mayor of Knoxville and not midway through his first term, he undoubtedly likes the cash that is captured by the emissions centers. Sadly, it stands to reason that if the auto emission centers are forced on us by regulators, Governor Haslam is going to be the last “friend” willing to turn out the lights. No, this is where the Achilles Heel is county government. Oh, they’ll squeal and say there is nothing they can do, that federal monies and state laws are all wrapped up in it, but if you can convince a slick politician that it will cost him votes at a time when unemployment weighs heavy on everyone’s mind, just you stand back and watch. Forget Facebook and petitions. Get the jugular out and play with it..

royexum@aol.com