I just read an article about new offerings in the world of fashion. Titled Beauty Bits, it is all about brand spanking new products claiming to make us beautiful. Perfect, I thought as I put down the front page and started in on the column at the bottom of page 4 of the lifestyle section. I am always on the lookout for the secret to a big mane of hair I can wave around triumphantly, and tips to make me look well rested and refreshed and not so damn old.
My note pad was on the ready and with pen in hand, I carefully prepared to write down the particular websites or stores, the exact product names and prices of every single new offering. I try to be openminded and consider that these are bonified beauty products made specifically to make the consumer look more beautiful, even if they sometimes sound suspect.
I really like the one that claims Big Hair like Jerseylicious star Gayle Giacomo's new Gatsby line of shampoos and conditioners. I've never heard of her show, but would buy it just because she comes right out and says Big Hair. I'll take it!
I'm not too sure about Borghese's new leave-in hair collection which is made of volcanic mud. Just the idea of bits of lava grit makes me want to wash my hair; I certainly don't want to leave that mess in!
I did a double take after I read the next paragraph, and actually read it twice to make sure I didn't just make this up because I was sick of reading about stupid beauty products that don't have a chance in hell of working for me. Lee Stafford, a British stylist, has a new line of hair care products called the Pink Range. This product line supposedly has edgy names, and that's perfectly fine. Nothing wrong with clever names at all. My problem is, one product in particular, Beach Babe Sea Salt Spray, costs $15 and is apparently some kind of hair spray that makes you look like you just came out of the ocean.
Are you kidding me? What woman in her right mind wants to look like she just came out of the ocean? That means she's in her bathing suit, which is another article altogether.
Is this product for teenaged girls? Do even they want to look like their hair is sticky and wet and sprinkled with sand? I think there's some kind of disconnect here.
Now, I'm not knocking England. Some very attractive people have come from there. Jacquline Bisset, Kate Winslet and duh, Elizabeth Taylor. But I don’t think of any of them with their thick gorgeous Big Hair slicked back with saltwater.
Bo Derek could probably pull it off, but I always thought she looked better with her hair out of those gazillion pigtails.
No, I'm going to put my $15 on that woman from Jersey who just tells it like it is and announces she's going after Big Hair, and not apologizing for it. Even though a great big helmet of hair has been frowned upon for decades.
All I know is, I'd pay at least $15 NOT to have my hair look like I just stepped out of the shower.