There are certain things I am very open with – I have always been that way. With writing “out loud” I have to think about what is appropriate to share with the world. We are a blogging nation and sometimes people don’t always have the necessary filters when voicing personal things. When I share a personal piece of my life, I have prayed about it and it is for positive reasons that I share, not negative. There have been a few articles that I didn’t want to share – but I knew God wanted me to.
I was not going to share this with the world – I didn’t think it was necessary. I had my closure and I wrote things to my friends on Facebook - I was done and that was all I needed.
Then God made me think, “it might not be about what I need
… it might be about what someone else needs”. And so… how can I not
write about it? For over a year now, I have sometimes mentioned going through a divorce (key words – “going through). My divorce was not something to splatter all over the Internet and I still won’t do that. It was an on-going process. For three and half years, I was “going through
my divorce”. I was living single – but still with legal ties. The ex-husband, the courts and high-priced attorneys were controlling my life. I decided to stop it. I quit.
Last week, when I wrote my ‘closure blog’ on Facebook, I got the support of my friends along with their prayers. They knew in a week that I was going to be legally divorced. I had stopped fighting it. Divorce is never fair. Isn’t it funny that we think it will be? It wasn’t until a friend who I had shared this ‘not so pretty part of my life’ with, had said that it will never be fair… that I realized he was right! He said, God is my provider – period. I began letting go of the fight. It dragged on for years and it was time to let it go. I had some people telling me what I deserved, what I went through and how this should play out.
But I knew even before my other friend spoke such wisdom to me – what God was telling me. This would never be fair – because divorce is not God’s design. This was not how He planned any of our lives. He allows things – especially when He knows the lesson is a priceless treasure. Three and a half years was too long for a divorce to go on. But it was exactly the timing God had in mind for everything to take place in my life that was needed. I have learned so much. I am not bitter. But I was in a weird place this past week.
I have been rebuilding my life these past few years, so it was not as though I was “hurting all over again” or dealing with the rug being yanked out from under me. But something was going on with me. An emotion that I couldn’t put my finger on. Sadness? Sad about divorce, yes but not that the marriage was over – not at this time anyway. I already grieved that. Was I lonely? Well sure, but I think people can get lonely who are with someone. It’s going to happen. But that comes and goes, just like with everyone else. It isn’t until we stop drawing our focus on ourselves and focus on doing for others that we end those lonely feelings. Yes, take care of ourselves and don’t ignore our needs but don’t dwell on our loneliness or pain. I was lonely and I was dwelling – so I had to remind myself to keep praying for others and focus on what I can do for someone. The emotion that caught me off guard might have been fear of the unknown. All I could hear myself say was “Now what?” I was going to finally be legally divorced and I would no longer have that tie to someone. I would no longer be a wife or a client. I knew I had come too far to feel as if I were “free-falling” or floundering - yet that’s what I think I started to feel again.
I did my blogging, I did my praying and I even made myself push away from the computer and get out of my apartment this weekend. I have loved staying busy with work. “Escaping?” Maybe. I went to a girlfriend’s yoga class and it was not the kind I was used to. It was Yoga Nidra. No pretzel-like moves, no core workout… but a meditative state. I knew I had the time to go but I still didn’t want to get out. I kept reading the word “healing” in her description and I thought, “But God I am healed already”.
I made myself go anyway. We lay on our mats with a bolster under our knees. There was soothing music and the sound of my friend's soothing voice as she took us to ‘a place’. I have my Zen moments, but I am not going to become like a tree or stop eating meat so I guess you could say that I was not in the same mind-set as some of the others. I didn’t know about this healing if I wasn’t doing something. As Cheri talked us through relaxation… which felt great – she began a practice called Chakra. She described ‘colors’ of light passing through our bodies… of a glowing, a warmth… then a coolness… she had us focus on our breath and body awareness. Our palms were open. It was pretty neat – and I felt great.
Come Monday, I still had this weird emotion inside that I was not sure of. I was not sad, I was not lonely…. but dreaded going to court, dreaded what I would feel after it was over. What would I do? What is my purpose now? God has already been showing me these things – why was I backtracking? Surely it was just the knowing that it was finally over causing these temporary feelings to resurface. I arrived to court early. When the paralegal came, we went into the judge’s chambers and *poof*! He signed the papers granting my divorce. It was over.
I left not knowing where to go. I started to go see the friend I confided in but changed my mind. I started to drive somewhere – anywhere, but headed home. I thought about eating a high calorie breakfast! I thought about buying myself a bouquet of flowers! I went home. I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel relieved. I felt numb. I voiced this on Facebook – and let me tell you – when you have friends praying for you, Facebook is a wonderful social media. In no time, I felt my feelings change. Partly because of prayers and then just my own dad-blame will to shake it off! I am happy Jen – I am not a sad person, I don’t like to stay down long! Sometimes – I actually have ignored my feelings in order to stay positive (which I learned about today).
I didn’t want food and I knew I still should get my walk in. The sun was already hot so I went to the pool and swam laps instead. I still had that feeling I needed to shake, all I can tell you is I needed to be physical. The swim was great but I needed to sweat! I decided that even if it was the middle (and the heat of) the day I would still go walking. I went to the rec center and started. What a beautiful day! The heat of the sun actually felt good. I could tell that my energy level was low because I had not eaten all day, but I still had something inside me that said, “run”. After a ½ mile of power-walking, I took the next1/2 mile lap to a run. The sun was beating down, I had no energy – yet I had to run. I was taken back to that time when I was a teenager and mad at my dad and took off running as fast as I could with all my might! You know… the worm story a few articles back.
I remembered… as a child, when I was angry or sad, that I would do something physical. After all these years of being a grown up… holding in my emotions, avoiding them or even denying them… it was coming back to me now. Emotions are powerful and God gave us ways to release the negative ones. Yet, I suppressed them! “I am not an angry person” I would say. If I was sad or upset – I would write it out and that was my “positive purge”. It would help – especially to have as a sounding board and help me think of what to do about things, but I had stopped physically releasing my feelings, all that negativity that I held in.
As I was running, I was that teenager again. Sweat was dripping down my body. I wasn’t ready to be through. I went over to the empty playground, sat on a swing and began pumping my legs back and forth going higher and higher! I looked up and saw the bluest sky with white fluffy clouds! My feet were touching the clouds!
I wasn’t free-falling! I was soaring! I didn’t stop! I kept swinging! To the world I was a weird 45 year old lady that just got divorced and was playing on a playground with no kid around. Go ahead and laugh, (I did!) But to God and me… I was His child. I was in His world that He created for me. I was using my body the way He intended. I was releasing negative toxins; I was “purifying” my body as the sweat poured. And, I was playing! Oh how long it had been since I played as a child.
I came home out of breath, hot and in need of hydration and … yoga! I put on a CD that had a babbling brook and birds chirping. I lay on my yoga mat and did the other physical thing my body needed this day, meditation... being open. As I lay there, I knew this was part of God’s purifying. I didn’t cheat and go eat a fattening meal. I didn’t celebrate with alcohol or parties and I have no interest for that. I used my body in a positive manner.
At church, when they give the benediction, I noticed that some people will open their palms – just like we did in Yoga! I decided I would try that next time in church. I will to listen to my body and ‘release’ when I am upset, I will meditate and focus and I will be open with my palms ready for what God has in store.