There was a small news item from Malaysia this week that told how the cops had just busted up a scheme where an enterprising entrepreneur -- a gentleman who owned both a car wash and a massage parlor next to it – was offering free sex to any customer who bought 10 washes. The man gave out loyalty cards and, once a driver had nine punches, there was quite an unusual reward involved.

Obviously the authorities were hardly amused, but I was because I had heard of a similar tale many years ago. I was waiting for a football game to start in Athens one Saturday long ago and, as spectacular sunshine bathed Sanford Stadium, the heralded columnist and funny man Lewis Grizzard plopped down next to me to eat pre-game chicken and swap his hysterical stories.

So as I beg your apology for being a bit risqué, I will tell you that the late Lewis loved life more than anyone I ever saw – even if he was married four times – and anybody who had Labradors named “Catfish” and “Cornbread” was my kind of guy. Once we played golf at The Honors Course and Lewis told me, “I know what Ooltewah means … it’s the Indian name for a double-bogey.”

You had to know him. This stuff just rolled out all the time. So on this particular morning we were eating lunch in Athens, Lewis bellows, “Ex … you ain’t gonna’ believe this … have you ever had free sex with a fill-up? I can tell you where it’ll happen not far from here!”

With Lewis you never got embarrassed when he’d yelp like that but, in a crowded press box about 20 minutes until kickoff, a sizable crowd instantly gathered to hear the Great Grizzard, who at his height wrote for a syndicated column that appeared in 300 newspapers every week. Lewis loved to play a gullible crowd.

“Me and Tommy Lee were driving back home to Moreland (his hometown) several weeks ago and as we got close to town, I noticed I was low on gas. I told Tommy Lee to be on the lookout and – sure enough – we came up a rise in the road and there was a huge sign, “Free Sex With A Fill-Up!”

“Tommy Lee screamed, ‘Pull over! Pull over quick!’” Lewis arched his eyebrows just so, “but, son, I’d already cut the wheel! The gravels were still falling when Tommy Lee yells, ‘Fill it full! Yessir, mister, we want that fill-up!’”

By now the whole press box was quiet and Lewis relished the fact all these University of Georgia uppity-ups were leaning in to hear. “Tommy Lee stood tall, puffed out his chest and, then slunk back just so before he asked the attendant in guarded fashion, “How ‘bout the special? How’s the sex thing work?”

“The attendant, ever casual, said it was easy. ‘I got a number in my head between 1 and 10.’ All in the world you got to do is guess what it is, and, if you do, you’ll be a winner.’ Of course,” Lewis lowered his voice an octave, “We haven’t seen anything yet that resembled any kind of prize.”

“Tommy Lee studied the attendant’s face a good 15 seconds and said slowly, ‘I’m thinking the number is 7.’ The gas man got a pained look and said, ‘I’m sorry, son …. It’s 2.”

“’You try it, Lewis …. C’mon, mister, give us a consolation chance.’ That attendant shrugged, turned to me, and motioned with his hand. I told him I would have picked 5. ‘You fool, I already told you it was 2. You dumbbells get on off from here!”

“Well, there we were, driving down the road all quiet, and I looked over at Tommy Lee and told him I believed the game to be a hoax, that picking a number out of a man’s brain should not be part of an honest game. Tommy Lee just sat there, still sullied up. I guess we drove another mile or two and finally Tommy Lee said, “Nope, Lewis, it’s true. It really works … my sister has won twice there in the last three weeks.”

Well, maybe I shouldn’t have told that, but it was raucously funny 25 years ago and I still think it is funny today. Lewis Grizzard sure was. It’s Saturday morning and sometimes folks need to lighten up. College football, in all its glory, will come just hours from now and we ought to delight in that.

royexum@aol.com