Roy Exum: Emails: Funny, But Oh, So Sad

Saturday, January 12, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I get gobs of funny emails every day, but among those that came this week, were two that stood out in particular. They were meant to be funny, a little satire if you please, but pretend for a moment you are me, and ask yourself why I didn’t laugh.

* * *

THE EMAIL OF THE YEAR:

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: ‘Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this, and then you tell me … I CAN'T PRAY?'

* * *

The next email that came showed a picture of an elderly lady laughing real hard as she pointed a pistol. The caption read …

MEDICARE PART X – The New Senior Program

“You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians of your choice.

“Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

“As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now. And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

“And you can get rid of four useless politicians while you are at it. Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

“Is this a great country or what?”

* * *

Who would have ever thought there would come a day when the only thing we can do is laugh about stuff like this?

royexum@aol.com



Neighbors Should Welcome More Neighbors With Union Avenue Development

Residents of Chattanooga can look at Atlanta and Nashville and breath a sigh of relief that housing prices here are cheaper than those to the south and to the west.  That will not continue to be the case, however, if we stifle new housing development at every turn. Home prices in Chattanooga rose at an average of 7.2 percent over the course of 2017,  and the median ... (click for more)

Special Education Teachers Are Also Special

It is becoming tough to keep special education teachers in the field beyond two or three years. We already have a shortage and it is likely to get worse in the future. Teaching is demanding enough, but special education teachers must cope with even more challenges. Professional learning is rarely aligned to special education teachers’ needs. Special education teachers face more ... (click for more)

Federal Jury Finds Gillispie Guilty Of 6 Counts In Sex Trafficking Case

A federal jury on Wednesday morning found Corrie Gillispie guilty of six counts in his sex trafficking trial. Gillispie was ruled guilty of two counts of sex trafficking, two counts of kidnapping, one count of transporting a person across state lines for prostitution, and one count of money laundering.  The panel found him not guilty of another charge of transporting ... (click for more)

Attorney Says There Was No Valid Reason To Euthanize Monteagle Family's Pet Raccoon Boomer

A Chattanooga attorney who specializes in wildlife cases says there was no valid reason for health officials to have euthanized a pet raccoon belonging to a family in Monteagle. Candace Bone said the family had owned "Boomer" for three years after getting her from an approved raccoon farm. She said, "We are all devastated. He was just like a baby to us. Boomer slept between ... (click for more)

Lady Mustangs Dump Lady Owls, 2-0, On Frost's Two-Run Homer In Seventh Inning

CLEVELAND, Tenn. – After chasing Ooltewah in the District 5-3A softball standings this season, Walker Valley is now the chasee after Wednesday’s 2-0 victory over the Lady Owls on Carissa Frost’s game-winning two-run homer with two out in the seventh inning. “It’s a huge win for us and our program,” Walker Valley coach Lauren Limburg said.   The diminutive Frost, ... (click for more)

Painter's Game-Winning Hit Lifts Red Bank, 6-5

I’m sure you’ve heard the classic line of “It’s not over until it’s over” and also the one about “it’s not over until the fat lady sings.” Take your pick, but either one would have applied as that was certainly the case at the Red Bank softball field Wednesday evening. The Lionettes won the game with the Whitwell Lady Tigers by a final score of 6-5, but it took nine innings ... (click for more)