Roy Exum: Emails: Funny, But Oh, So Sad

Saturday, January 12, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I get gobs of funny emails every day, but among those that came this week, were two that stood out in particular. They were meant to be funny, a little satire if you please, but pretend for a moment you are me, and ask yourself why I didn’t laugh.

* * *

THE EMAIL OF THE YEAR:

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: ‘Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this, and then you tell me … I CAN'T PRAY?'

* * *

The next email that came showed a picture of an elderly lady laughing real hard as she pointed a pistol. The caption read …

MEDICARE PART X – The New Senior Program

“You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians of your choice.

“Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

“As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now. And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

“And you can get rid of four useless politicians while you are at it. Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

“Is this a great country or what?”

* * *

Who would have ever thought there would come a day when the only thing we can do is laugh about stuff like this?

royexum@aol.com


Roy Exum: ‘Red Meat To A Mob’

The city of Milwaukee is among the Top 20 Most Violent in the United States. It ranks No. 4 in poverty for cities its size, and is home to the most “make sense” sheriff in the world. I spent most of my morning reading to find out more about Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke because his is a voice we should have been listening to some time ago. He startled all of us on Friday ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: From Private To General

It was quite a thing back in March, when Florida Gov. Rick Scott named Maj. Gen. Michael Calhoun to command the state’s National Guard. After all, not many who sign up as a “buck private” climb the ladder all the way to become the state’s Adjutant General, and when you add the fact the highly-respected Calhoun is an African-American, the story only gets better. But there is more: ... (click for more)

Only 2 Bradley County Commissioners Support 30-Cent Wheel Tax

After a lengthy debate, only two members of the Bradley County Commission voted in favor of a 30-cent wheel tax on Monday night. The measure needed 10 votes to pass. Several commissioners said a wheel tax would have certainly brought on a petition for a referendum and then defeat at the polls. Commissioner Jeff Yarber said the last wheel tax lost by 70 percent in a referendum. ... (click for more)

Agent Says Drug-Selling Traffic Was So Brisk Outside Brainerd Pill Mill That A Guard Was Necessary

An IRS agent testified Monday that so much drug peddling was going on outside a Brainerd "pill mill" that the owner had to hire a security guard. Scott Kennedy said all who went to the O'Neill Clinic got drugs from Dr. Ishaan Al-Amin, who earlier pleaded guilty to charges of illegally dispensing controlled substances and tax evasion. It was testified that in November 2011 ... (click for more)

Central Nips Hixson On Wild Pitch In 6-AA Baseball, 3-2

It was one of those games that could have gone either way. But when you get to the winners' bracket final in a district baseball tournament, you come to expect games like this. Hixson's Parker Tyo and Central's Bret Hardy hooked up in one of those classic pitcher's duals and both pitched well enough to win. But Hardy gets that honor after his Purple Pounder teammates scored ... (click for more)

Willingham Pitches Boyd-Buchanan Past Silverdale In 5-A Baseball

River Crowther allowed two runs on eight hits in five innings Monday afternoon, but all he has to show for an outstanding effort is a loss after his Silverdale Baptist Academy teammates came up short in a 2-1 winner's bracket final against host Boyd-Buchanan in the District 5-A baseball tournament. Crowther probably deserved a better fate, but he was one-upped by Buccaneer junior ... (click for more)