Roy Exum: Emails: Funny, But Oh, So Sad

Saturday, January 12, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I get gobs of funny emails every day, but among those that came this week, were two that stood out in particular. They were meant to be funny, a little satire if you please, but pretend for a moment you are me, and ask yourself why I didn’t laugh.

* * *

THE EMAIL OF THE YEAR:

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: ‘Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this, and then you tell me … I CAN'T PRAY?'

* * *

The next email that came showed a picture of an elderly lady laughing real hard as she pointed a pistol. The caption read …

MEDICARE PART X – The New Senior Program

“You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians of your choice.

“Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

“As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now. And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

“And you can get rid of four useless politicians while you are at it. Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

“Is this a great country or what?”

* * *

Who would have ever thought there would come a day when the only thing we can do is laugh about stuff like this?

royexum@aol.com


Send Your Opinions To Chattanoogan.com

We welcome your opinions at Chattanoogan.com. Email to news@chattanoogan.com . We require your real first and last name and contact information. There is no word limit, but if your article is too long you may lose your reader. Please focus more on issues than personal attacks. (click for more)

Sky Striping And How It Might Work (Or Not); A Local Chemist Looks At The Science

Ringgold, Ga., chemist Robert Sacci’s official position on sky striping is that of skeptic. That makes his discussion about stratospheric aerosol geo-engineering all the more fascinating. He establishes basic points about weather management: — Man can dim the sun by policy, just as volcanoes dim it by eruptive excitement and towers of ash. — The material that would give ... (click for more)

Bradley, 24, Charged In Death Of 3-Year-Old Boy At Soddy Daisy

Justin Dale Bradley has been charged with criminal homicide in the death of a three-year-old child, who was rushed to the hospital on Wednesday and later died. Authorities said Bradley, 24, is the boyfriend of the child's mother. The mother earlier took out an order of protection against Bradley, and he was arrested for violating the order. The Hamilton County Sheriff’s ... (click for more)

Shooting Of 15-Year-Old Began As Argument Between Teens

According to police, the Tuesday night shooting of a juvenile on Taylor Street started as an argument between the two young men. Terry Marshell Smith Jr., 19, was arrested the following day. Police said the former Hixson High School student shot the juvenile in the shoulder after their argument and then fled the scene.  According to police, Smith admitted to the shooting. ... (click for more)

Ex-Ooltewah All-American Jacques Smith released By Falcons

Former Ooltewah Owls All-American and Tennessee Vols defensive standout Jacques Smith has been released by the Atlanta Falcons, who are 10 cuts from reaching their 53-man roster for the 2014 season. Wide receiver Jeremy Ebert and tight end Mickey Shuler were also released. Smith, an undrafted free agent, is said to be a "viable candidate" for the Falcons' practice squad ... (click for more)

Baylor Comeback Swamps Webb, 34-7

Baylor lost a fumble on the third play of the game and the visiting Webb Spartans scored five plays later, but the Red Raiders came storming back to win their second-straight game, 34-7, over the D-II, Class A two-time defending state champions. Quarterback Nick Tiano, who has already committed to Mississippi State, hurled two touchdown passes and scored a third on a sneak from ... (click for more)