Roy Exum: I Flunked The Survey

Thursday, January 24, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

When I left my pre-surgery appointment in Nashville yesterday and made my way in the Vanderbilt complex for a blood draw, this attractive young woman who has her doctorate in exercise psychology, or whatever they call it, confronted me by name and asked me to take part in a forthcoming survey of people with back surgery. Normally I turn down surveys – I think they are a waste of time – but the girl was pretty and apparently this is important to the National Institute of Health because they are paying a $200 “grant” to each participant.

I was going to have to wait on the lab anyway so I agreed, at which point the PhD flipped out her iPad and went over all these questions about chronic pain, feeling helpless, gloomy results, depression and – for instance -- if I agreed that no matter what happens in next week’s surgery, I feel like I’ll never get well.

Oh, my stars! I have never had a more laughable list of questions posed to me in my entire life. I asked the lady at one point, “Is this a joke?” and wondered on two other occasions if the person who originally wrote the questions did, indeed, need mental help. Every question begged for a negative response and, 15 minutes later when I was called to the lab, my newest PhD friend sadly informed me that I didn’t qualify for the survey. Evidently I am too optimistic!

This time last year I had a synovial cyst removed from my spinal cord. The doctors aren’t sure why these cysts actually occur but I can testify there isn’t a lot of extra room in anybody’s spinal canal. When the cyst pinches off the sciatica nerve, the hip and leg pain is quite impressive and they have to crack your spine open to shave or scrap off the little rascal for lasting relief.

The only thing that is worse than a spinal cyst is when one comes back. Sure enough, right after Christmas a MRI study showed my 2013 model is even bigger than the 2012 original. While I am hardly happy I have now birthed another, I am not going to mope around and wear sack-cloth and ashes. No, you handle the thing and move on.

For someone who has endured more surgeries than the average Joe, I have a singular distaste for the operating room. I am steadied by the fact that if God has allowed this to happen to me, something good will come out of it so let’s go ahead and get the bad part over with. Everybody agrees surgery is the only option but what kind of moron would I be if I allowed myself to have a bad attitude or harbored the negative thoughts the survey questions included.

Whew! Gloom and doom are the last things you need to take to the hospital. Instead I take joke books, fun stuff to read, my laptop computer and a sack of candy to share with the nurses. This isn’t my first rodeo and I have “mental devices” in place to help fight pain, boredom and the hours when escape to puff my cigar is too risky.

I got in bad trouble once at The Mayo Clinic in Minnesota when, as a guest for an extended stay, opened the door real wide one Sunday afternoon when visitors were roaming the halls. Watch ‘em sometimes – they may be going to visit Uncle Fred but they peer into every room they can. So I shut all the drapes, turned only the high-intensity light on over the bed and then lay concrete-still under a crisp sheet with just my feet sticking out.

Of course, everyone who peered into the room was certain I was a corpse and to overhear the hallway conversation was delicious. “Oh dear Lord, Martha .. don’t look in there. Poor thing didn’t make it!” and “Oh, oh, oh … the coroner hasn’t come yet! Look how pale those feet look,.” And, “Don’t let the children breath anything around the door! There is no telling what killed him … “

Well, I think that is a lot more fun than some survey asking if all you want to do is gaze out the window.  “Do you feel like your career is threatened?” “Are you worried that people look at you differently?”  Oh, heavens above –  deliver me from people with a mindset like that. This is just another bump in the road, you know? Let’s forge on.

It doesn’t bother me that I didn’t qualify for the survey and the $200 stipend. My newest PhD friend had said I would have to answer a 30-minute questionnaire a couple of times after surgery when, in fact, the minute surgery is over all I want to do is flee and never have to come back again. Truth be known, this may be the best survey I’ve ever been able to avoid.

The other day I was taking to a friend of mine about next week’s bump-in-the-road and told him that the cyst had come back in less than a year. “So lemme get this straight … You are going back to the same guy? Brother, I think I may have a slant on why you get operated on a lot. If you go back to the same guys, you might consider brain surgery to get to the real root of the problem!”

If that’s what my friends tell me, you think getting booted from a survey is going to cause me to worry? Not hardly. But now you know why I may miss a few days from my daily routine next week and why I feel good about getting the surgery over with and gone.

royexum@aol.com


Fake Science Of Man-Made Beliefs

In Chattanooga last Saturday approximately 1,000 people joined a faith-based group calling itself "March for Science - Chattanooga" who demanded that you and me pay for their special beliefs in fake science.  Their sincere, deeply held beliefs are found on their Facebook page.  And, they are not alone.  Thousands of other people of similar faith marched in various ... (click for more)

California Governor Not Half The Man His Father Was

Governor Brown should send the California Highway Patrol to Berkeley and ensure that speech is unimpeded.     That is what his father, Edmund D. Pat Brown, did in the early 1960s, and the rioters were stopped and university property protected.   Too bad that this Governor Brown is not half the man his father was. John L. Odom (click for more)

2 Shot On W. 37th Street Early Monday Morning

Theresa Farris  Greene , 35, and  Corey Thompson, 31, were shot early Monday morning. Chattanooga Police were called at 1:15 a.m. to a person shot on the 1000 block of West 37th St. Upon arrival, police located two victims who were suffering from gunshot wounds. Both victims were transported by Hamilton County EMS to a local hospital with non-life threatening ... (click for more)

Angela Faye Parker, 50, Arrested In Stabbing On Glass Street

Angela Faye Parker, 50, was arrested early Sunday morning after stabbing another female. Chattanooga Police responded to 2302 Glass Street at 12:15 a.m. to an assault. The victim and Ms. Parker were both patrons of the Pay-Pay Lounge.   The victim advised that she was physically attacked and maced by Ms. Parker in the restroom. Upon arriving home for the evening, ... (click for more)

Lookouts Double Header Cancelled Sunday Due To Heavy Rains

The Lookouts have announced that Sunday's(4/23) double-header has been postponed due to inclement weather, unplayable field conditions and impending forecast.   The team will make up these contests as part of two double headers, one  on Monday  and one  on Tuesday .  Both double headers will start at  5:15 p.m.  and will consist of ... (click for more)

UTC Track Completes In War Eagle Invitational

University of Tennessee at Chattanooga sophomore Haley Morris (Lenoir City, Tenn.) topped her personal best in the women’s 3000 meter Steeplechase over the weekend at the War Eagle Invitational.   Morris finished fourth in the steeplechase with a time of 11:48.74, edging her previous top time set in the finals of the 2016 Southern Conference championships.   Also ... (click for more)