Hundreds of people have sent me their favorite jokes in the past few weeks to buoy my spirits as I recover after rolling over in my sleep and breaking my arm. I believe very strongly that “laughter doeth good like a medicine” and am reminded that I used to have a basket full of those old, bulky VHS tapes that had a bunch of funny things I’d watch when I was sick.
I had a bunch of comedy – Jonathan Winters, Tim Conway, Harvey Korman, Mel Brooks – but the best was the Candid Camera collection. The screamer was one called “What Do You Say To A Naked Lady” and I can promise that before you are halfway through it you don’t really look at the women much – the reactions of shocked people were the most hysterical imaginable. The pity was because the women were nude, not enough people ever got to see Allen Funt’s greatest stuff.
Today, with YouTube and the Internet, there are more funny videos than ever before but as readers have shared their jokes, I have realized that life in “real time” has put a dent in the numbers of jokes that I love. So, after a week where I have been a bit serious, let’s go back to the days when my brothers and sisters would sit on the floor in the family room on Saturday mornings and regale in the black-and-white cartoons.
Here, in black and white, are some of the jokes that were sent to me that I think are funny:
* * *
“Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Pat, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
“We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a (very ugly name.) He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
“So Pat called him a (far-worse ugly name.) He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
“Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.”
* * *
Woman to Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about five or so.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $3.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose…
Woman: So a beer costs $3 and you have five beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?
Woman: If in one year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
* * *
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one evening. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ... and left it there all night.
* * *
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
* * *
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation … And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.”
And there you have the Christian way to call somebody a bad name!