Bob Tamasy: Fathers And Failures

Thursday, June 6, 2013 - by Bob Tamasy
Bob Tamasy
Bob Tamasy

With Father’s Day approaching, I fear things aren’t all that great in the world of fathering.

You might not be old enough to remember, but in the 1950s and ‘60s, fathers carried more respect. Maybe the dads’ segment of the population just had better PR. I recall many of the TV fathers – guys like Robert Young of “Father Knows Best,” Fred MacMurray of “My Three Sons,” Andy Griffith and Bill Cosby on their own shows.

These were solid, stand-up guys. When they spoke, people listened – even their kids. They could solve any problem, tiny or huge, within their 30-minute time slots. As the late Jean Stapleton, who portrayed Edith Bunker on “All in the Family,” used to sing with TV husband (and dad) Archie, “Those were the days.”

The Ozzie Nelsons and Ward Cleavers weren’t perfect, but seemed to love their wives, care for their kids, and approached life with wisdom and common sense.

Compare them to the TV “dads” of today, Homer Simpson of “The Simpsons” probably being the standard bearer. Fathers depicted in popular culture are confused at best, blithering idiots at worst. If they’re present at all. Many shows have eliminated “TV dad.” Moms carry on without them just fine.

Even on my favorite show, “NCIS,” most of the key characters – Gibbs, DiNozzo, Ziva and McGee – have had troubled relationships with dear old dad. And come to think of it, when was the last time you watched a college football game and an athlete on the sidelines turned to the camera and said, “Hi, Dad!”?

As much as I’d like to attribute the current plight of fathers on the media (can’t we blame them for everything?), I don’t think we can. Wounds suffered by members of the once-revered office of fatherhood are largely self-inflicted.

A 2010 government study revealed more than 70 percent of African-American children were born to unwed mothers, and statistics for other races and ethnicities weren’t much better. Apparently, a large proportion of young men believe their “fatherhood” responsibilities begin and end with impregnating young women.

Similarly, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, less than half of custodial mothers got all of the child support they were legally entitled to receive. Many biological fathers seem unbothered about the responsibilities of providing for their offspring’s material needs.

Often, even dads that are at home become too consumed with work – or hobbies – to spend ample, quality time with their children. I’ve been guilty of that myself at times.

As I wrote in an earlier post, I greatly admire mothers and the tremendous job they do in juggling work, household duties, caring for their kids, and somehow trying to still manage some personal time. I don’t know how they do it. But we’re too quick to dismiss the consequences of absent or inattentive fathers.

Men, for the most part, don’t cry much. Maybe we’ve been socialized that way. But I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen men tear up while talking about their dads. As much as “experts” might argue to the contrary, a man’s relationship with his father – or lack of one – is a powerful force in his life. And for many of us, it remains so until we die.

That’s why the Bible’s perspective on fathers speaks so powerfully. It refers to God as our heavenly Father, but perhaps for many having had bad relationships with their earthly fathers, that might not seem helpful. But the apostle Paul takes a positive, affirming stance: “For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God…” (1 Thessalonians 2:11-12).

Elsewhere the apostle points out one of the best ways a father can communicate love for his children: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 5:25-6:4).

By demonstrating genuine, sacrificial love and commitment to their mother, a father shows his children a love willing to die to self for the benefit of others. And by being patient and compassionate, rather than responding in haste or anger, fathers can set the example of what a godly life should look like.

Women tend to be more naturally relational than men; men tend to focus more on tasks and outcomes. So the business of fathering, for most of us, is hard, arduous work. When you’ve met a work deadline, you simply cross that off your list and move to the next project. But being a father is a job that’s never done – even when the kids move out of the house. When you’re a dad, you can never say, “Well, I’ve finished that,” and check it off the list.

But the effort, if we’re willing to undertake it, is well worth it. If we want to know what kind of legacy we’ll leave after departing from this life, all we need to ask is, “How am I doing as a dad?”

---

Robert J. Tamasy is a veteran journalist, a former newspaper editor and magazine editor. He is presently vice president of communications for Leaders Legacy, Inc., a non-profit focused on mentoring and coaching business and professional leaders. Bob has written hundreds of magazine articles, and has authored, co-authored and edited more than 15 books. These include “Tufting Legacies,” “The Heart of Mentoring,” “Business at Its Best,” and “Pursuing Life With a Shepherd’s Heart.” He edits a weekly business meditation, “Monday Manna,” which is translated into more than 20 languages and distributed via email around the world by CBMC International. He also posts regularly on two blogs, www.bobtamasy.blogspot.com, and www.bobtamasy.wordpress.com. He can be emailed at btamasy@comcast.net.


Union Hill Missionary Baptist Honors Pastor Samuel R. Jackson

Union Hill Missionary Baptist Church has been blessed by God with its shepherd, Pastor Samuel R. Jackson and organizers are preparing to honor him for his faithful service and guidance to this flock for 11 years.  In addition, he and his bride of 30 years, First Lady Vivian Evans Jackson will renew their wedding vows. The Union Hill Church family cordially invites each ... (click for more)

Steve Ellison: Memorial Day Remembrances

The Civil War, our bloodiest w ar, gave birth to holidays honoring those who gave there all for their country. In 1868, the United States set aside May 30 th  to remember their great sacrifice. Since 1971, in classic American seeking of self, we have chosen to take a three day weekend by choosing to take a day off from work on the last Monday in May.  Oh, the real Memorial ... (click for more)

CBL & Associates Stockholder Accuses Chattanooga-Based Mall Owner Of Security Fraud; CBL Denies Any Wrongdoing

A stockholder of CBL & Associates is suing the Chattanooga-based mall owner in Chattanooga Federal Court, claiming its officials artificially inflated the value of the company's stock. Tommy French, of Baton Rouge, La., brought the action against CBL, President Stephen Lebovitz and Vice President Farzana Mitchell. He claims that CBL officials made false and misleading ... (click for more)

Man Rescued From The Pocket Wilderness On Sunday

Rescue personnel started the Memorial Holiday weekend at the Pocket Wilderness hiking trails on Sunday morning. A man had been camping on the trails with friends Saturday night when the accident occurred. They had been gathering branches for firewood when he tripped and fell on a branch which impaled his thigh. With no cell service and having no daylight, the group waited ... (click for more)

Case Handled Like Any Other? - And Response

It is interesting that Chief Fletcher would deem the handling of the Mayor's encounter as typical or normal. Is the Chief asking the public to believe that all misdemeanor domestic violence arrests include a 4-hour taped interrogation, and delayed reporting after a visit to the Chief’s house. Of course, we believe that Chief Fletcher. April Eidson * * *  I ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: The Best Speech This Year

Just 24 hours after Donovan Livingston gave The Student’s Speech at Harvard University’s Graduate School of Education convocation on Wednesday, it had been viewed over 3 million times and shared 75,000 times on Facebook. It is already considered, far and away, as the freshest view on race and education in ages and its viral journey is burning across the Internet. His talk was ... (click for more)