Roy Exum: Scooter’s Solution To Geese

Friday, August 16, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

My dog Scooter doesn’t like crows. When we sit on the back porch every morning at first light, I enjoy my coffee, my newspaper and a puff on my cigar while Scooter eats his handful of Milk Bones. It’s a great way to start the day and we go over our prayer list, tell a few jokes, and watch the clouds as they twist over the valley.

But about a year or so ago, a murder of crows –  a flock of particularly smart birds – discovered that Scooter is not a normal dog. He doesn’t do tricks or even behave for his morning treats; he gets a full handful every day just “because.” Sometimes he doesn’t eat them all and that’s when the crafty crows zoom down on the porch, wiping out whatever Scooter leaves behind.

Scooter is incensed, of course, because those are his biscuits and now when the crows show up Scooter isn’t shy about telling the birds to move along. As a matter of fact, he charges the trees where they patiently perch, laughing delightedly as they scramble for altitude and daring the big black birds to get close enough so he can launch his fierce attack.

The moral of this story is that Scooter has a perfect solution for the geese problem that has riddled Chattanooga State worse than Algebra II. All the geniuses who worry about the birds need to do is go to the McKamey Animal Center and adopt a couple of dogs. Just downstream, Girls Preparatory School had the same problem some years ago on its athletic fields and finally got a “goose dog” to scare the down feathers off any goose who dares to snack on some GPS grass.

Anytime you have an animal problem all you need to do is come up with a predator. Oh, the dog hardly ever catches the birds, but it’s just like junkyards have done in the South for years. Fear is a great cure. You leave a dog inside the fence and nobody will try to slink in and steal a taillight. There is something about a dog – the Chattanooga Police know this – that makes junkyard thieves and trespassing geese real nervous.

Up until now Scooter has handled our crow invaders real well. The fact I now pick up his uneaten Milk Bones and put them on Scooter’s bed inside the house is also a great deterrent, but the most effective method of all is the “crow trick” and people in the Deep South have used it for years. Sheep herders in Colorado and Montana use it to keep away coyotes and there is a real good reason you’ve seen farmers drape a dead rattlesnake across a fence. The other animals get the message.

My brother Kinch, after he had retired to central Florida, got a call from an elderly spinster who lived down the road and she told him a big murder of crows had started invading a huge tree behind her cistern and she asked if he had a .22 rifle. He kindly told the woman a 12-guage shotgun would be better, but the old lady laughed and told him to bring the small-bore gun and she’d teach him a trick about crows.

They were sitting on her back porch later that afternoon when here came the crows, about 50 of them seeing who could holler the loudest. The lady told Kinch to pick out one he could hit and my brother promptly fired, dropped one out of the tree. The rest of the crows flew away. The lady handed my brother a ball of twine and told him to hang the dead bird from a prominent limb, high enough that a wandering dog wouldn’t make sport of it but in clear view.

She then told my brother to come back the next afternoon, but that he wouldn’t need the gun. So the two were drinking iced tea when here came the birds again. They were silent and then began to cry in an awful way and mourn like screaming babies. My brother said it was the worst 20 minutes of squalling he ever heard. But this time when they left, those birds never, ever, returned.

Western farmers have found if they’ll shoot several coyotes and hang them strategically around the perimeters of their flocks of sheep, the rest of the coyotes learn very graphically those pastures are not a good place to be seen and soon will avoid the area like crazy. A dead snake hanging on a fence tells the other snakes to slither somewhere else or they too will be draped across barbed wire.

In order for Chattanooga State to embrace the “crow trick,” the powers-that-be need to come up with three or four geese that … um, die of natural causes because every tree-hugger from here to Gainesville will go bozo if they kill the birds to hang from trees. But the geese aren’t going to leave the ideal habitat on a written court order … gather all the eggs you like, but the birds will be back with out-of-town cousins in a heartbeat.

That is why my dog Scooter, now wise in the ways of thieving crows, believes if Chattanooga State would get a couple of dogs to sic on the offending birds for a while, the geese would soon get the message that they are about to get bit, and that their “fowl” droppings have no place in higher education. I can also tell you the McKamey dogs will love it because Scooter always acts a little jaunty once he disperses any bird who would dare steal his biscuits.

Royexum@aol.com


Help Current Veterans Rather Than Building A Museum

Do you really want to help veterans?   Then why don't you honor them by lavishing help to our wounded warriors with PTSD, by providing service dogs, therapies, groups, and community center for vets and their family. That would truly be an honor. Wouldn't that be a true way to those who served our country? We have enough monuments, museums, and assorted services, heritage, ... (click for more)

Applauding The New Sex Trafficking Laws

It is appropriate that today, the start to our nation’s Independence Day weekend celebration, is the day that a new set of Tennessee state laws begin to combat sex trafficking. In our land of the free, too many women and children, have not been free at all. Trapped in the world of sex trafficking, often at a young age, they do not possess the most basic of our human rights. ... (click for more)

Signal Mountain Man Charged In Traffic Death Of Tunnel Hill Woman, 28

Authorities said a Signal Mountain man was driving when his vehicle struck and killed a woman walking along a road at Ringgold, Ga., on Thursday night. Tyler Alexander Lemley, 20, was charged with DUI. Other charges are pending. Kimberly Diane Dotson, 28, of Tunnel Hill, Ga., was walking southbound on the west edge of Sam Lewis Road when she was hit. Lemley was driving ... (click for more)

Chattanooga Woman Sues Over Treatment Of Disabled Daughter At Memphis Airport Security Checkpoint

A Chattanooga woman has filed suit, alleging that her disabled daughter was roughed up by airport police and Transportation Security Administration personnel at the Memphis Airport. Shirley Cohen said she was returning to Chattanooga after taking her 19-year-old daughter to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital for treatment. The lawsuit filed in Memphis says the daughter ... (click for more)

Signal Mountain Whips Dalton For Top Spot In Blue

The Signal Mountain Green Giants have the upper hand in the Chattanooga Area Swim League’s highly-competitive Blue division and the clinched at least a tie for first place with Thursday’s win over Dalton, but they’ll have to wait until Tuesday before the championship celebration can officially begin. The Green Giants lost to Dalton by 15 points at Dalton in the first week of ... (click for more)

Travis Hale New Softball Coach At Soddy-Daisy

Travis Hale, who spent one year under Wes Skiles being groomed for the job, has been named the new softball coach at Soddy-Daisy High School. Hale, who previously was an assistant coach at Hixson and head coach at Loftis Middle School, was groomed for the job last season working under coach Wes Skiles, who has stepped down after four seasons. “I focused on paying ... (click for more)