Roy Exum: Yes, They Walk Among Us

Monday, August 19, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
The older I get the more I am assured the truth is better than fiction, that not even some zany Hollywood script writer could come up with things that are as funny, as strange, as twisted, as marvelous or as surprising as the real episodes that actually happen every day. My favorites are the one that show there are some really dumb people who walk among us because they make me feel better when I do or say something really stupid.
Because of a noticeable lack of sunshine lately, I have compiled a list of some priceless examples that have been sent to me and that have made me laugh with delight.
Understand, as “a fellow struggler” I’ve stepped on one foot with the other so many times I’ve lost count of my stumbles but while viewing life’s daily parade with ceaseless joy, here are some moments you may also enjoy:
* * *
A wife asked her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me. Buy a gallon of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”
A short time later the husband comes back with six gallons of milk. The wife looked at him funny and said, “Why did you buy six gallons of milk?"
His reply was a classic. “Because they had avocadoes…”
* * *
This guy goes into the bank with a withdrawal slip for $400 and asked the pretty teller, “May I have large bills, please?”
She looked at him and replied, “I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

* * *

“When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

The mechanic replied, “I know. I already got that side.”
* * *
“We had to have our garage door repaired.  The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large enough motor’ on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one they made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it's not… Four is bigger than two.'
* * *
“My daughter and I went through the restaurant’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.”
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.”
* * *
“My daughter went to a local fast-food restaurant and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.”
* * *
“I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
* * *
“The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'”
* * *
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken.”
* * *
“I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and, for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.”
* * *
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a."
Leah?? No.
Lee - A?? No.
Lay - a??  No.
Lei??  No.
But her mother was furious because nobody at the first grader’s new school could ever get it right. The mother finally told the principal and teachers the proper pronunciation is "Ledasha,” explaining, “The dash don't be silent."

* * *
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous. "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.  Where's the car?”
WIFE: "In the pool."
* * *
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
His wife was so excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day the girl went shopping. Suddenly her new phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the 
other end. "Hey," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
She giggled and told him, “I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand … how did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
* * *
Husband and wife had a pretty big squabble so soon the wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Her mother replied, “No darling, this time he’s going to pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
* * *
The moral? It is believed that all of these people vote.

Collegedale's Wreck Problem

Re: Speed Limits Being Lowered On Main Collegedale Thoroughfare  I just read your story on Collegedale lowers speed limit for main thoroughfare.  It's funny the city claims they will have TDOT put up dangerous intersection signs, because last summer when it was stated in a story (possibly not by your company) that they were dropping the speed limit from 55 to 50 on ... (click for more)

A New Beginning For A Healthier Life

The advent of Spring brings a time of fresh starts and new beginnings, and what better time to make the decision to quit smoking?  Smoking is a serious problem in Chattanooga and across our state. The Centers of Disease Control and Prevention report that nearly 17 percent of adult Americans smoke or use tobacco products regularly. In Tennessee, that number increases significantly ... (click for more)

County Commission Told To Fully Fund County Schools Improvement Request Would Take 28 1/2-Cent Property Tax Increase; 78 School Personnel Would Be Added

County Mayor Jim Coppinger told members of the County Commission at a budget workshop on Tuesday that it would take a 28 1/2-cent property tax increase to fully fund the county school budget request. The county schools are asking for $24,218,919 in new money for a focus on workforce readiness, literacy and low-performing schools. County Mayor Coppinger did not say whether ... (click for more)

Judge Poole Rules In Favor Of State On Billy Hawk Murder Cold Case Motions

Criminal Court Judge Don Poole has ruled that the state can introduce at the murder trial of Billy Hawk testimony about his alleged drug involvement with the victim in the case, Johnny Mack Salyer. Hawk is charged in the 1981 murder of Salyer, whose body was found in a 55-gallon drum in the Tennessee River. The witnesses indicated that Salyer was cooperating in the drug case ... (click for more)

Chattanooga FC Hosts Inter-Squad Scrimmage Saturday

Chattanooga FC will hold an Inter-squad match Saturday, May 7th, 7:00pm at Finley Stadium. The event is open to the public and free for all who attend.  The 2016 roster is set! The Inter-squad match will be the first chance for fans to see their CFC team in action. After the game, everyone will have the opportunity to get autographs, take photos, and talk with players, ... (click for more)

Baylor's Kayla Hughes Named FCA Christian Athlete Of The Year

Baylor School softball star, Kayla Hughes, was named the Greater Chattanooga FCA’s Christian Athlete of the Year at the ministry’s annual Day of Champions Sunday afternoon at Ridgedale Baptist Church.  Hughes, who will continue her softball career at Tennessee Tech, was chosen from among twelve high school FCA senior leaders nominated by area schools.  This is the 53rd ... (click for more)