Roy Exum: Yes, They Walk Among Us

Monday, August 19, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
The older I get the more I am assured the truth is better than fiction, that not even some zany Hollywood script writer could come up with things that are as funny, as strange, as twisted, as marvelous or as surprising as the real episodes that actually happen every day. My favorites are the one that show there are some really dumb people who walk among us because they make me feel better when I do or say something really stupid.
Because of a noticeable lack of sunshine lately, I have compiled a list of some priceless examples that have been sent to me and that have made me laugh with delight.
Understand, as “a fellow struggler” I’ve stepped on one foot with the other so many times I’ve lost count of my stumbles but while viewing life’s daily parade with ceaseless joy, here are some moments you may also enjoy:
* * *
A wife asked her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me. Buy a gallon of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”
A short time later the husband comes back with six gallons of milk. The wife looked at him funny and said, “Why did you buy six gallons of milk?"
His reply was a classic. “Because they had avocadoes…”
* * *
This guy goes into the bank with a withdrawal slip for $400 and asked the pretty teller, “May I have large bills, please?”
She looked at him and replied, “I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

* * *

“When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

The mechanic replied, “I know. I already got that side.”
* * *
“We had to have our garage door repaired.  The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large enough motor’ on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one they made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it's not… Four is bigger than two.'
* * *
“My daughter and I went through the restaurant’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.”
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.”
* * *
“My daughter went to a local fast-food restaurant and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.”
* * *
“I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
* * *
“The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'”
* * *
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken.”
* * *
“I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and, for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.”
* * *
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a."
Leah?? No.
Lee - A?? No.
Lay - a??  No.
Lei??  No.
But her mother was furious because nobody at the first grader’s new school could ever get it right. The mother finally told the principal and teachers the proper pronunciation is "Ledasha,” explaining, “The dash don't be silent."

* * *
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous. "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.  Where's the car?”
WIFE: "In the pool."
* * *
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
His wife was so excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day the girl went shopping. Suddenly her new phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the 
other end. "Hey," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
She giggled and told him, “I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand … how did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
* * *
Husband and wife had a pretty big squabble so soon the wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Her mother replied, “No darling, this time he’s going to pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
* * *
The moral? It is believed that all of these people vote.

Send Your Opinions To Chattanoogan.com

We welcome your opinions at Chattanoogan.com. Email to news@chattanoogan.com . We require your real first and last name and contact information. There is no word limit, but if your article is too long you may lose your reader. Please focus more on issues than personal attacks. (click for more)

Roy Exum: Goodness Trumps Evil

Throughout history there have been some really bad people. The absolute-absolute on my personal list of vermin – this on the fourth anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s Waterloo in Pakistan – is a German soldier named Rudolf Höss. I discovered Hoss in 1961 when, at age 12, my dad took a fistful of the boys in the neighborhood to watch the movie, “Judgement at Nuremberg.” I shook for ... (click for more)

Erlanger Chooses Epic Software For New $100 Million Electronic Medical Records System; CEO Judy Faulkner To Visit Chattanooga

Erlanger CEO Kevin Spiegel announced that the Chattanooga hospital has chosen Epic Systems for a new electronic medical records system that he said will cost close to $100 million over 10 years. He said Cerner was the other finalist for the major hospital expenditure. Mr. Spiegel said the new system will mean some 100 more jobs at Erlanger. He said Epic will bring up to 200 ... (click for more)

Red Bank Police Find 17 Animals In "Deplorable" Condition At Home On Oakland Terrace

Red Bank Police on Friday found 17 animals in "deplorable condition" after making a home check on Oakland Terrace. The Humane Educational Society was called in to assist. The HES said, " Officers entered the home on Oakland Terrace and rescued nine dogs, six cats and two rabbits that had been living in deplorable conditions. "These animals are currently ... (click for more)

Top Seeds Central, Hixson Advance In 6-AA Baseball

The name of the game for high school baseball teams is to win and advance when it comes to district tournament time. Such was the case at Red Bank Saturday afternoon where the top two teams in District 6-AA advanced to Monday’s winners bracket with easy wins. Top-seeded Central had to come from behind, but they did so with ease as they scored 14 runs in the final two innings ... (click for more)

Top-Seeded Central Wins Twice In District 6-AA Softball

Central coach LeeAnne Shurette wasn't very excited about her top-seeded team having to play two games on Saturday in the District 6-AA softball tournament at East Ridge, but he won't complain too much after winning both with ease. It didn't take long for the Lady Pounders to beat Hixson in Saturday's first game, needing just six innings to beat the Lady Wildcats from Hixson, ... (click for more)