Roy Exum: Yes, They Walk Among Us

Monday, August 19, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
The older I get the more I am assured the truth is better than fiction, that not even some zany Hollywood script writer could come up with things that are as funny, as strange, as twisted, as marvelous or as surprising as the real episodes that actually happen every day. My favorites are the one that show there are some really dumb people who walk among us because they make me feel better when I do or say something really stupid.
Because of a noticeable lack of sunshine lately, I have compiled a list of some priceless examples that have been sent to me and that have made me laugh with delight.
Understand, as “a fellow struggler” I’ve stepped on one foot with the other so many times I’ve lost count of my stumbles but while viewing life’s daily parade with ceaseless joy, here are some moments you may also enjoy:
* * *
A wife asked her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me. Buy a gallon of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”
A short time later the husband comes back with six gallons of milk. The wife looked at him funny and said, “Why did you buy six gallons of milk?"
His reply was a classic. “Because they had avocadoes…”
* * *
This guy goes into the bank with a withdrawal slip for $400 and asked the pretty teller, “May I have large bills, please?”
She looked at him and replied, “I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

* * *

“When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

The mechanic replied, “I know. I already got that side.”
* * *
“We had to have our garage door repaired.  The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large enough motor’ on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one they made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it's not… Four is bigger than two.'
* * *
“My daughter and I went through the restaurant’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.”
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.”
* * *
“My daughter went to a local fast-food restaurant and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.”
* * *
“I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
* * *
“The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'”
* * *
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken.”
* * *
“I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and, for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.”
* * *
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a."
Leah?? No.
Lee - A?? No.
Lay - a??  No.
Lei??  No.
But her mother was furious because nobody at the first grader’s new school could ever get it right. The mother finally told the principal and teachers the proper pronunciation is "Ledasha,” explaining, “The dash don't be silent."

* * *
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous. "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.  Where's the car?”
WIFE: "In the pool."
* * *
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
His wife was so excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day the girl went shopping. Suddenly her new phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the 
other end. "Hey," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
She giggled and told him, “I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand … how did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
* * *
Husband and wife had a pretty big squabble so soon the wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Her mother replied, “No darling, this time he’s going to pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
* * *
The moral? It is believed that all of these people vote.

A "Pleasant" Towing Experience Downtown

I had a pleasant experience today. I met a friend of mine today for lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings downtown which whom I had not seen in a long time. I also walked out to discover that my 2013 Ford was missing.  Vehicles were being towed in volumes. I asked one of the tow truck drivers about it and he said they towed it (from the lot next door) to Carter Towing at 1619 Dodds ... (click for more)

PILOT Questions

Dear Hamilton County Commissioners,  I hope you doing well.  My purpose in writing this letter is to ask a couple of questions regarding PILOT property tax exemptions.   I have a few comments and questions.  First, I would like to know why the Hamilton County Commission adopted a resolution granting the Chamber of Commerce with the authority to act as ... (click for more)

Cleveland, Tn., Production Company Owner Charged With Defrauding Church Of God International Of $100,000

The head of a Cleveland, Tn., production company has been charged with defrauding the Cleveland-based Church of God International of $100,000 in connection with his part in setting up the church's world convention in Orlando, Fla., in 2010. Troy Scot Carter was charged by federal authorities with securities fraud. A four-page criminal information says the church hired Carter ... (click for more)

City Set To Commission $200,000 Mural On MLK Boulevard By Famed Muralist Meg Saligman; Foundations To Cover Cost

The city is set to commission a $200,000 mural on the side of the AT&T Building on MLK Boulevard by famed muralist Meg Saligman. Ms. Saligman has created over 50 murals all over the world, including one called  "Fertile Ground" that is 32,500 square feet in Omaha, Neb. Her most famous mural is "Common Threads" on the west wall of the Stevens Administrative Center ... (click for more)

Rail Runners Win In Double OT

East Ridge Alum Alex Wells has an impressive scoring resume from high school to now in semi pro, but missing is a game-winning shot at any level.   But Sunday afternoon in a Central Basketball Association game, he did everything but hit the winner (16 points) in guiding the Chattanooga Rail Runners to a 116-113 double overtime win against visiting Bowling Green (Ky.). ... (click for more)

UTC Women's Tennis Takes 1st Win Over Furman Since 1997

The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga women’s tennis got a huge monkey off its back with a 4-3 win over Furman on Sunday.  The Mocs snapped a 24-match losing streak against the Paladins with their first win in the series since 1997. UTC had come close in the last four meetings, falling 4-3 each time.  Today’s win gives Chattanooga a 14-2 overall record as it ... (click for more)