Roy Exum: How "Mrs. S" Got $40 Grand

Sunday, September 22, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I searched for Dr. Isaac Krazen, said to be a family-practice physician in New York City, on Saturday morning because I was about to die to talk to him. All my searches proved futile. But when I searched for a law firm named “Becker & Epstein,” I found out Epstein, Becker & Green is one of the largest and best health care law firms in the United States.

Digging further, I learned that Steven B. Epstein and a childhood pal, Jeffery Becker, founded the law firm in October of 1973. In 1978 Ronald Green joined the law firm, adding a third name to the letterhead. Thusly, I was able to assume “Becker & Epstein,” as you will soon learn, existed for just five years in the mid-70s. That’s over a quarter-century ago.

The reason for my mystery centers around a lady known only as “Mrs. S.” and a wonderful story for all that have now grown old. I want to believe with all my heart the story is true; it is reputed to be. It was written by the equally-mysterious Dr. Isaac Krazen, who is believed to have once been the primary doctor of our extremely wealthy “Mrs. S.”

One more note before you read the doctor’s tale. Incontinence, or lack of bladder control, is a dearth of the aged. I don’t wish to offend anyone, but as I notice more and more of my friends “who really gotta’ go” when the urge hits, I find -- as Dr. Krazen once did -- that laughter is the best medicine of all.

Dr. Krazen, if you please:

* * *

Many know Mrs. S from Manhattan, New York, mostly because she's rich and lives on the luxurious and well-lit Fifth Avenue. From the window of her home one can see Central Park, and the beautiful lake at its center. 

Mrs. S wasn't interested in buying things. She already had it all. She didn't want to give anything either, because she already gave more than expected of her. She wasn't interested in travel because she had done so already and now it tired her. Movies, concerts and the theatre bored her. Relatives and children vexed her and her doctor did not allow her to eat sweets.

Her doctor also ordered her to do a lot of walking, and Mrs. S did as he asked. Each morning she walked for a mile and a half. Most people could walk that in 15-20 minutes, but Mrs. S carried the weight of 96 years, and so the walk took about two hours, while she was accompanied at all times by her personal chauffeur, in his ironed suit, driving slowly along the road and keeping an eye on her.

People passing by are impressed by her. Many know her. Few are jealous. They'd like to be rich, but also young and healthy. The combination of riches and old age is more thought-provoking that envy-provoking.   

But there's a problem, Mrs S. needs to pee frequently, and along the route there were no bathrooms. This was just the kind of problem rich people can solve. At the opening of each of the buildings on this luxurious street, stands a doorman meticulously dressed and charged with guaranteeing no one comes in but the tenants. The lobby also has a nice and clean bathroom. Messengers, on behalf of Mrs. S, visited five of these buildings, talked to the doormen, and gave them large sums of money to make sure they will always allow the old lady to use the bathrooms.

One spring morning Mrs. S went on her walk. She was up to 79th street when she needed to get to a bathroom. The usual doorman was ill and his replacement did not allow her to enter. Frustrated, she went into a nearby funeral home.

As she came in, she was asked if she came to Jeffery Green's funeral. She did not like to lie but felt she had to get to that bathroom. She was then handed a guest book to sign her name and address so that the family can sent her a card for coming to pay her respects. She then proceeded to the bathroom to finally relieve herself.

Two weeks later she got a letter from the law office of Becker & Epstein: "Dear Mrs. S, we are executing the will of the late Jeffery Green, deceased these two weeks. Mr. Green had no relatives and so he has bequeathed his fortune to those who came to his funeral. Since you were there, you are entitled to a seventh of his fortune, here is a check for $40,000."

It was a large sum then, but Mrs. S had more, and so she donated it to the hospital where her doctor was working, where it helped to save more than a few lives.

And that doctor is me. I guess you have to know where to pee.

* * *

Did you know that doctors are now using Botox, of all things, to help with some cases of incontinence? There are other new techniques and medicines available, too, that urologists are finding help those who “really gotta’ go.”

royexum@aol.com


Roy Exum: Our Tubman Goat-Roping

Every spring there comes a bright day on the ranch when the straw-boss decrees a goat-roping should take place. What really happens is the veteran cowboys arm the greenhorns with some lariats late in the afternoon and take them to the pen that holds some Billy goats. This is before they get into bigger beasts -- horses and cattle – yet what appears to be easy most certainly is not. ... (click for more)

David Carroll: Touched By Alzheimer’s, A Thanksgiving Love Story

I want to share a Thanksgiving love story. Those smiles belong to Jim and Andi Erwin of Collegedale, now married 45 years. Jim is 68, Andi is 63.  I met them last summer, and fell in love immediately. Andi is a talker. Full of life, with energy to spare. Jim used to be a talker, an award-winning one. In his youth he was a teacher and pastor, very well-educated. Simply put, ... (click for more)

Grote Hall At UTC Campus Closed Due To Sinkhole

A sinkhole has prompted UTC officials to close off access to Grote Hall. Grote Hall employees have been told they do not need to report to work on Monday. Classes that are held in Grote Hall are called off for Monday. All other classes and campus activities are on for Monday. (click for more)

Bradley County Police Investigating Shooting; Victim Dies

The Bradley County Sheriff’s Office is investigating a shooting that occurred in the area of Georgetown Road. The sheriff's office said Sunday night that the victim had died. The victim's name has not yet been released.  A BCSO officer was waved down at the intersection of 25 th Street and Peerless Road by the driver of a vehicle who told the officer a gunshot victim ... (click for more)

Football Mocs Receive No. 8 Seed For FCS Playoffs

The hugs, high fives and first pumps by the Tennessee at Chattanooga football players late Sunday morning let everyone know in Moc Nation that the Blue and Gold had received a highy-coveted seed and would be hosting a second round NCAA FCS playoff game Dec 6 at Finley Stadium at 1 p.m. "When the television announcers called our name as the No.8 seed (out of eight ... (click for more)

Missouri Hangs On, Turns Back Tennessee, 29-21

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. – Missouri pin-pricked Joshua Dobbs’ bubble of invincibility Saturday night at Neyland Stadium. The nationally ranked Tigers drove a stake in Tennessee’s heart with Maty Mauk’s 73-yard touchdown pass to Jimmie Hunt in the fourth quarter, held Dobbs in check most of the game and beat the Vols, 29-21, before 95,821 fans on a chilly night on the banks of the Tennessee ... (click for more)