Roy Exum: How "Mrs. S" Got $40 Grand

Sunday, September 22, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I searched for Dr. Isaac Krazen, said to be a family-practice physician in New York City, on Saturday morning because I was about to die to talk to him. All my searches proved futile. But when I searched for a law firm named “Becker & Epstein,” I found out Epstein, Becker & Green is one of the largest and best health care law firms in the United States.

Digging further, I learned that Steven B. Epstein and a childhood pal, Jeffery Becker, founded the law firm in October of 1973. In 1978 Ronald Green joined the law firm, adding a third name to the letterhead. Thusly, I was able to assume “Becker & Epstein,” as you will soon learn, existed for just five years in the mid-70s. That’s over a quarter-century ago.

The reason for my mystery centers around a lady known only as “Mrs. S.” and a wonderful story for all that have now grown old. I want to believe with all my heart the story is true; it is reputed to be. It was written by the equally-mysterious Dr. Isaac Krazen, who is believed to have once been the primary doctor of our extremely wealthy “Mrs. S.”

One more note before you read the doctor’s tale. Incontinence, or lack of bladder control, is a dearth of the aged. I don’t wish to offend anyone, but as I notice more and more of my friends “who really gotta’ go” when the urge hits, I find -- as Dr. Krazen once did -- that laughter is the best medicine of all.

Dr. Krazen, if you please:

* * *

Many know Mrs. S from Manhattan, New York, mostly because she's rich and lives on the luxurious and well-lit Fifth Avenue. From the window of her home one can see Central Park, and the beautiful lake at its center. 

Mrs. S wasn't interested in buying things. She already had it all. She didn't want to give anything either, because she already gave more than expected of her. She wasn't interested in travel because she had done so already and now it tired her. Movies, concerts and the theatre bored her. Relatives and children vexed her and her doctor did not allow her to eat sweets.

Her doctor also ordered her to do a lot of walking, and Mrs. S did as he asked. Each morning she walked for a mile and a half. Most people could walk that in 15-20 minutes, but Mrs. S carried the weight of 96 years, and so the walk took about two hours, while she was accompanied at all times by her personal chauffeur, in his ironed suit, driving slowly along the road and keeping an eye on her.

People passing by are impressed by her. Many know her. Few are jealous. They'd like to be rich, but also young and healthy. The combination of riches and old age is more thought-provoking that envy-provoking.   

But there's a problem, Mrs S. needs to pee frequently, and along the route there were no bathrooms. This was just the kind of problem rich people can solve. At the opening of each of the buildings on this luxurious street, stands a doorman meticulously dressed and charged with guaranteeing no one comes in but the tenants. The lobby also has a nice and clean bathroom. Messengers, on behalf of Mrs. S, visited five of these buildings, talked to the doormen, and gave them large sums of money to make sure they will always allow the old lady to use the bathrooms.

One spring morning Mrs. S went on her walk. She was up to 79th street when she needed to get to a bathroom. The usual doorman was ill and his replacement did not allow her to enter. Frustrated, she went into a nearby funeral home.

As she came in, she was asked if she came to Jeffery Green's funeral. She did not like to lie but felt she had to get to that bathroom. She was then handed a guest book to sign her name and address so that the family can sent her a card for coming to pay her respects. She then proceeded to the bathroom to finally relieve herself.

Two weeks later she got a letter from the law office of Becker & Epstein: "Dear Mrs. S, we are executing the will of the late Jeffery Green, deceased these two weeks. Mr. Green had no relatives and so he has bequeathed his fortune to those who came to his funeral. Since you were there, you are entitled to a seventh of his fortune, here is a check for $40,000."

It was a large sum then, but Mrs. S had more, and so she donated it to the hospital where her doctor was working, where it helped to save more than a few lives.

And that doctor is me. I guess you have to know where to pee.

* * *

Did you know that doctors are now using Botox, of all things, to help with some cases of incontinence? There are other new techniques and medicines available, too, that urologists are finding help those who “really gotta’ go.”

royexum@aol.com


Roy Exum: The Facebook Starlet

The Pants Store, a toney women’s boutique in Birmingham’s Mountain Book community, held its annual Holiday Open House about a week or so and, as usual, the popular store was full of customers and holiday cheer. It was a festive gathering, fun for all, but as store employees cleaned up for the next day, they happened across an empty designer-shoe box and a brassiere somebody had ... (click for more)

Senator David Perdue: I Have Heard Every Excuse Under The Sun - And Response

Here we go again. For the 19th consecutive year, Washington has not funded the federal government on time. As the current continuing resolution is expiring in the midnight hour, Congress is once again trying to pass a temporary fix three months after the beginning of the current fiscal year. This is ridiculous. In fact, Congress has only completed the full budget process four ... (click for more)

Tennessee Members Of Congress Urge President To Approve Federal Disaster Assistance For Tennessee Counties

Members of Tennessee’s Congressional delegation on Saturday urged President Obama to quickly approve Governor Haslam’s request for a major disaster declaration for the State of Tennessee to help five Tennessee counties impacted by wildfires and severe weather in November rebuild and recover. “Governor Bill Haslam has submitted a request for Public Assistance and Individual ... (click for more)

Grohn Says Integrity And Ethics Lacking In Berke Administration

Mayoral candidate Larry Grohn criticized controversies and instability coming from the mayor’s administration as a sign of unethical leadership and a lack of integrity. He said, "These scandals lay out the simple fact that it is time for new leadership which is accountable to the people." Councilman Grohn’s criticism comes after the independent auditor’s release of a memorandum ... (click for more)

Cleveland Shocks Bradley To Win Cleveland Duals

CLEVELAND – There have been a lot of positive and memorable experiences for the Cleveland Blue Raider wrestling team in recent years, but they’ll have a tough time topping the one they had in their own gym Saturday. Hosting the annual Cleveland Duals and certainly a team considered one of the pre-tournament favorites, the Blue Raiders beat three of the top four teams in the state, ... (click for more)

Heights Rallies For 72-67 Victory Over Athlete Institute

Kentucky signee Shai Gilgeous-Alexander scored a team-high 26 points Saturday as Hamilton Heights rallied for a hard-fought 72-67 victory against Athlete Institute of Canada in the Buckeye Elite Showcase in Portsmouth, Ohio. The Hawks (7-2) built a 19-16 first-quarter lead, but fell behind 40-32 at halftime and still trailed 58-49 going into the fourth period at Portsmouth ... (click for more)