Roy Exum: Some Holiday Laughter

Friday, January 3, 2014
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

The funniest email that I received in 2013 was actually the answer to a final question on a midterm exam. A chemistry professor at Baylor University was testing his students when, at the end of the exam, he posed a bonus question: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?”

I would venture that 99 percent of those who read my opinions could care less but, on a lazy day when I am still is the festive mood of the holidays, I can guarantee you this will make you laugh. According to the email, “Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.”

But here is what our hero wrote:

* * *

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 “First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

“Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

“With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

“If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

“The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God!”

NOTE: The author of this answer received an A-plus. For the entire course.

* * *

ADVICES FROM AN OLD FARMER

(Here is another great email that I savedJ

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.  
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.  
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

royexum@aol.com


Roy Exum: 40 Questions About ‘Blue Bags’

No. 1 – Did you know that one in every five of the 42,000 children in the Hamilton County school district is what the experts call “food deprived?” No. 2 – Can you get your arms around the fact that a huge percentage of those 8,400 children get little, if nothing, to eat from Friday at lunch until they return to our schools on Monday? No. 3 -- Did you know that you – just ... (click for more)

The Tragedy In America's Jails - And Response (2)

I've been attacked trying to sound the alarm about mass incarceration for just about any and every offense, no matter how small, made up or non-existing. I've been told such things as "if you can't do the time, then don't do the crime".  "Stop whining!" "You must be guilty of something!" And quite a number of  more choice words and name calling I won't go into here. But, ... (click for more)

Red Bank Commercial Centers Sell For $9.4 Million

Two nearby Red Bank retail centers have sold for a combined $9.4 million. Red Bank Mayor John Roberts called it "the largest transactions in the history of Red Bank." The Red Bank Town Center at 3901 Dayton Blvd., that includes a Food City, sold for $7,750,000. The sale was  to White Realty & Service Corp from Red Bank Ii Llc. A commercial center that includes ... (click for more)

Jury Awards 25 City Police Personnel Total Of $562,000 On Claims That Pay Plan Was Not Followed

A Chancery Court jury on Wednesday gave a verdict totaling $562,000 for 25 city police personnel who filed suit almost five years ago alleging that the city never lived up to terms of a 2010 pay plan. Attorney Stevie Phillips, who tried the case along with Janie Parks Varnell, said, "The jury awarded each officer what we had asked for to the penny." She stated, "These 25 members ... (click for more)

Sale Creek Storms Past Central, 3-0, In Volleyball Action

Despite playing short-handed, Sale Creek’s once-beaten Lady Panthers made short work of Central, 3-0, Thursday night in high school volleyball action at Central High School. The Lady Panthers sprinted to their 11 th win in 12 matches this season by whipping Central 25-21, 25-13, 25-8 in the non-district matchup. “We played well today,” Sale Creek coach Debbie Hill said. ... (click for more)

Grace Wins In Celebration Of Coach Waters' Birthday

The Grace Academy volleyball team had several reasons to play well at Silverdale on Thursday night, not to mention that it was head coach Hillary Waters’ birthday. Facing the Lady Seahawks in a key District 5-A match, the Lady Golden Eagles did what they had to do as they won the match in four sets as they improved to 6-2 overall and 3-0 in 5-A. Set scores were 25-15, ... (click for more)