Roy Exum: Some Holiday Laughter

Friday, January 3, 2014
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

The funniest email that I received in 2013 was actually the answer to a final question on a midterm exam. A chemistry professor at Baylor University was testing his students when, at the end of the exam, he posed a bonus question: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?”

I would venture that 99 percent of those who read my opinions could care less but, on a lazy day when I am still is the festive mood of the holidays, I can guarantee you this will make you laugh. According to the email, “Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.”

But here is what our hero wrote:

* * *

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 “First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

“Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

“With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

“If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

“The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God!”

NOTE: The author of this answer received an A-plus. For the entire course.

* * *

ADVICES FROM AN OLD FARMER

(Here is another great email that I savedJ

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.  
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.  
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

royexum@aol.com



Trickle, Trickle Little Star

I thought the children's tune might be so suitable to the fairy tale story of the GOP once again spreading fairy dust to us and on us. They pretend that all will be well if we put about $1 billion into the Trump family or we share bounty with the Koch Brothers by sending truckloads of money to their chicken plants. Oh, but for one small problem. The fairy dust clouds our otherwise ... (click for more)

Roy Moore Has Not Upheld The Constitution

Regardless of whether Judge Roy Moore was involved in the sexual assault of minors 40 years ago or not, there is a larger problem with Roy Exum's assertion in today’s Chattanoogan that he would vote for the former judge if he could. This, in a nutshell, represents a serious crisis in our country. For some reason Roy Exum seems to think that Judge Roy Moore is the candidate who ... (click for more)

3 People Shot Early Saturday Morning; 1 Is Killed; 2 Victims Are Known Gang Members

Ladarius Cross, 28, Terrance Careathers, 26, and a juvenile were shot early Saturday morning. Cross was killed.   Chattanooga Police responded to a motor vehicle crash at 5:16 a.m. in the 1400 block of Roanoke Avenue.   Upon arrival, Chattanooga Police Officers located the single vehicle crash with two people suffering for apparent gunshot wounds. The driver, ... (click for more)

Longest-Serving County Official Knowles Is First In Line To Sign Up For New Term

Bill Knowles is one of the longest-serving officials in Hamilton County history, and he's not through yet. County clerk since 1974, he was the first in line on Friday morning to pick up his petition for re-election. Then he beat everyone back with the completed form. Mr. Knowles said, "I ran in 1974 on a campaign of ending the long tag lines. We put in a tag by mail system ... (click for more)

UTC Finishes Tough Season With 10-3 Win Over ETSU

A youthful Tom Arth knew he was facing the biggest coaching challenge of his life back in the spring when he was hired as the next head man for the Chattanooga Mocs football team, but he didn’t know exactly how challenging it would be. It hasn’t been the season that Arth had planned as things didn’t always go as he had hoped, but the best news is that the season finished on a ... (click for more)

UTC Women Run Past Presbyterian 71-51

The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga women’s basketball team came away with a 71-51 victory Saturday at the McKenzie Arena for its first win of the season. Chattanooga is now 1-3 on the year and Presbyterian moves to 1-3 overall.   “We played better,” Chattanooga head coach Jim Foster said. “That’s what’s important. We worked harder, we were tougher and we shared ... (click for more)