Roy Exum: I Wish I Had Said That

Sunday, January 5, 2014
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

With the coldest weather in the last 20 years eager to hasten our return from the holidays, allow me to share one last dose of humor before the work week resumes at the start of 2014:

* * *

“As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.” -- John Glenn

“When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.” -- Desmond Tutu

“America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.” -- David Letterman

“After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.” -- Italian proverb

“The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.” -- Jean Kerr

“I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.” -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

“You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.” -- Jeff Foxworthy

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.” -- Prince Philip

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” -- Emo Philips.

“Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.” -- Harrison Ford

“The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.” Spike Milligan

“Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.” -- Robin Hall

“Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.” -- Jean Rostand.

“Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.” -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

“We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.” – W.H.  Auden

“In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.” -- Jonathan Katz

“If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.” -- Johnny Carson

“I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.” -- Arthur C Clarke

“Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.” -- Steve Martin

“Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.” -- Jimmy Durante

“America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.” -- Doug Hamwell

“The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.” -- George Roberts

“If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport” -- Jonathan Winters

“I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.” -- Robert Benchley

* * *


These are actual quotes taken from some employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on"   
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him two hours to watch ‘60-minutes.’"
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”


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