Roy Exum: My October Garden

  • Wednesday, October 1, 2014
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Hark! It is the first day of October and, as I make my monthly stroll through the garden, I find a growing numbers of leaves and acorns. Autumn leaves are beautiful while acorns are nuts, thus you will get the idea as we make our monthly awards:

A PRETTY LEAF to Phil Hughes after the Minnesota Twins pitcher came within one inning of earning a $500,000 bonus this season. The deal was Hughes would get the money if he pitched 120 innings this season but in his last game of the year, he had 119 innings under his belt when a 66-minute rain delay (!) made him miss the final inning! The Twins offered to let him throw in the bullpen but Hughes, who has a $24 million contract, laughed it off by saying, “Some things are just not meant to be.”

AN UGLY ACORN to the jerks in Walker County who threw motor oil and tacks into the path of  those competing in Sunday’s Ironman Triathlon.

Such behavior is inexcusable and greatly blemishes the image our community needs to project across America. The incident ranks as one of the biggest and saddest tragedies I can recall in local competition.

A PRETTY LEAF to the NFL – which needs a lot – for reversing the penalty that was called when Muslim player Husain Abdullah, who plays safety for the Kansas City Chiefs thanked Allah after a score. The rule says, "Players are prohibited from engaging in any celebrations while on the ground," but all praying should be exempt. You’ll remember Tim Tebow’s classic pose.

AN UGLY ACORN for Fox News announcer Eric Bolling who, when it was reported a female fighter pilot was flying a mission for the United Arab Emirates, thought it would be cute to remark there were “boobs on the ground.” He has since been reprimanded, apologized profusely, and called Major Miriam al-Mansouri what she really is – “a hero.”

A PRETTY LEAF to the response sent it after the Pfizer drug company after it announced its new advertising campaign for Viagra would be targeted towards women. Jeri wrote, “I think the drug companies are pimps and so are the insurance companies. My husband uses it and he pays 100 dollars and his insurance co-pays 13 dollars. And his insurance will only allow him to get 3 pills per month. Not only are you having to pay outrageous amounts of money but then you are told you can only have sex three times a month!”

AN UGLY ACORN to the city of Memphis, where twice last month huge mobs of black kids have attacked people at random. Police say it could be a version of the “knock out game.” A 25-year-old shopper was attacked outside a Kroger store, and video footage shows two store employees who went to his aid were knocked cold when the “hood rats” bashed the employees with 20-pound pumpkins.

A PRETTY LEAF to the 20-year baseball career of Derek Jeter. Not once, in a city that thrives on the opposite, was the Captain of the Yankees ever an embarrassment. He played in 2,747 games and capped it all in one word at the end. "Fun," he said. "I had a blast. Listen, I got an opportunity to do what I wanted to do - the only thing that I ever wanted to do. I know that not a lot of people can say that. I've been fortunate, but I've had fun.”

AN UGLY ACORN to the girl in New York who told her boyfriend’s “other girlfriend” over the telephone, “I have people. I know people that can put a bomb where you live.” The bad news? The 25-year-old is Ailina Tsarnaeva, the 24-year-old sister of alleged Boston Marathon bombers Tamerlan and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. (Yes, the proper authorities are all over it.)

A PRETTY LEAF to the “Alabama Paradox,” which is what you call it when an oncologist runs against a dermatologist for the Governor’s office in Alabama. Get it? Pair-a-Docs?

AN UGLY ACORN to the four University of Kentucky football players who were suspended after illegally shooting pellet guns on campus. Among them was running back Stanley Williams, who leads the team in all-purpose yards this fall. Williams’ nickname? “Boom.” None will play against South Carolina on Saturday.

* * *

HOW THE APOCALYPSE IS GOING TO HAPPEN

During his weekly press conference on Monday, Washington State football coach Mike Leach detoured in his remarks to predict how humanity as we know it will end. Coach Leach described how technology is eliminating real human interaction (like talking to one another versus texting) and how eventually "it's going to be tough to perpetuate the species."

Here is exactly what he said that left the sports reporters gasping for air in their laughter:

"I'm not really good with technology. All this button pushing and what-not. I mean, you can just imagine based on what's happened in the last 15 years. Conversations won't happen 10 years from now. There aren't going to be people to talk to, it's going to be this (mimics pushing smart-phone buttons). 'Do you want to go out on a date with me?' 'I don't know, what do you look like?' 'Well I look kind of like this.' 'OK, what are your interests?' 'Well, what do you think my interests are? Looking into this thing and typing into this just like yours are.' 'Yeah, no kidding, that's what everybody's doing.' 'Well, where do you want to go?' 'Well, what difference does it make? Because all we're going to be doing is looking into machines anyways.'

“Well, that's true and in the end, it's going to be tough to perpetuate the species,” said Leach. “There's no question about that. So we're all going to look in this box and eventually be extinct. That's how it ends," he said with a perfectly straight face.

royexum@aol.com


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