Roy Exum: A Computer With An 888 Number

  • Thursday, November 13, 2014
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Yesterday I felt like a kid at Disney World who wasn’t tall enough to climb a certain ride but who snuck in line anyway, only to find that by the time the roller-coaster was over it was obvious the folks at  Disney World know a whole lot more than I do about how tall you gotta’ be. I’ve never been so addled or confused over a new computer in my life.

I use a computer to create words and thoughts every day. Experience has taught me to buy a new machine every two years as my primary tool and to toss the oldest in my fleet away.

I have two totally independent computers in my office, another at home, and a Powerbook in my satchel, right next to my iPad. Computers are fabulous when they work, and the Geek Squad at BestBuy loyally keeps me going.

Because “my system” has always worked, I’m a trusting guy. I believe in brand-name companies that have earned the right to be among the best in the world so I don’t flinch when I walk into BestBuy and ask the friendly salesman has he got any good deals. I’m a Hewlett-Packard loyalist but I like Apple and Dell, too, so earlier this week I bought an inexpensive workhorse, a Dell Inspiration with 8 Gigs of memory and a Terabyte hard drive. I am not a gamer or web designer, just a guy who avoids potential problems and Dell has a big stake in Tennessee’s job market.

Then the trouble started. The Microsoft Corporation has a new deal on Office software, where you now have to re-subscribe every year, but now “Word” will fit on my iPad so I can live with that. But when I scratched off the 25-symbol code to install the magic number, it failed three times, so badly I was immediately directed to a toll-free 8-8-8 number for “personal assistance.”

The agent, obviously from the Far East, tried the number himself, deftly taking control of the cursor on my brand-new Dell computer from me. With complete control of my computer, and talking faster than I could comprehend, he suddenly said, “Ohmygod!” Within 30 seconds he had said “Ohmygod” three more times and then relayed the tragic news that my “network” had been penetrated. “You have ‘csrss.exe!’” he cried out. “There it is again!”

I told him how sorry I was, that I would take my Dell back to BestBuy and, with what sounded like he had tears in his eyes, he promised me that would be no good. “Your Microsoft Office will not be accepted because every computer, iPad, iPod and anything else in your personal network has been compromised. You have somebody who is not approved looking at your network. Please, do no banking!”

Are you kidding me, I wouldn’t have asked somebody to change a dollar right then. “I don’t know if this has gone too far …” he left me hanging on the line like a deflated James Bond, the lengthy pause finally broken with a rapid-fire “Thankgodyoujusthave17breaks!” Then came, “Perhaps one of our skilled technicians can help you.”

It was my lucky day. Because Skilled Technician was also able to take command of my computer cursor before my very eyes, I watched as the guy called up one program after another. Some appeared to be free for the asking but Skilled Technician was quick-fingered, I am telling you. Face it, I had been invaded and he assured me the Level Five Network Security that Microsoft had fully authorized would save me from bankruptcy, scurvy, and foreign agents.

Right before my eye did my new Dell computer and I join Google Chrome. I was a bit amused to see that I was born on August 17, 1984, but I figure when you go Level Five, there has to be a bit of espionage. I mean, this is spooky stuff and all I want to do is write a story or two. Microsoft wouldn’t throw somebody like me into a nest of pirates, would they? If you can’t trust Bill and Melinda, why not just throw it in?

The first guy promised it wouldn’t take longer than 45 minutes to delouse my network and they’ve got it down to a science. My cellphone rang right on the mark and, as I sat in front of my brand-new and now-safe Dell, the agent still had control of my cursor, opening Windows and Outlook and Excel like a champ.

“Are you happy, satisfied, yes?” said the voice and yes, I told him I was so thankful to be rid of any parasites. “Please hold for billing …and have a good day.”

The next guy said they were actually a third-party support team that worked at the request of Microsoft. “We are in Cunn-ECT-tick-cut … see our address at the top of the screen,” he said, “proudly reciting some place called “Rocky Hill” as the home of world headquarters. He also pointed out the Better Business Bureau had awarded the company an “A-minus,” which he proudly added was “just one away from the very best.”

Duly impressed, he told me I could have one year of “protection” for $199, and that the two-year-plan was $239 and the three-year rate was $450. “But wait! To renew the one-year plan is the same, to renew the two-year plan is only $120 for two more years but the three-year plan you can renew for $49 for three-more years! You can easily see the benefits of such ‘protection’ for your brand-new computer!”

Alright, what do you do? These guys can take over my computer on a whim and they can also arrange for my system to get more fleas than an Egyptian camel. I’m defenseless without “protection” and who knows where Bill Gates is. Mr. Billing asked what state I lived in and I told him Tennessee … “with tax one year of protection is $220 but you don’t need anything else … for one year you are safe! God bless you,” he said, leaving me staring at my Dell Inspiration computer, my Microsoft Office 365 card and my BestBuy receipt with the most peculiar feelings I’ve ever had.

What in the heck just happened!

royexum@aol.com

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