Roy Exum: Wisdom On Election Eve

  • Monday, November 3, 2014
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Dave Barry, the brilliant humorist, once wrote about politics: “As Americans, we must ask ourselves: Are we really so different? Must we stereotype those who disagree with us? Do we truly believe that ALL red-state residents are ignorant, racist, fascist, knuckle-dragging, NASCAR-obsessed, cousin-marrying, roadkill-eating, tobacco juice-dribbling, gun-fondling, religious, fanatic, rednecks; or…that ALL blue-state residents are godless, unpatriotic, pierced-nose, Volvo-driving, France-loving, left-wing, communist, latte-sucking, tofu-chomping, holistic-wacko, neurotic, vegan, weenie perverts?''

And then there was the classic line on NBC’s “The West Wing” when the script read, “Somebody came along and said 'liberal' means 'soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on Communism, soft on defense, and we're gonna tax you back to the Stone Age because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to.' And instead of saying, 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave-It-to-Beaver trip back to the '50s,' we cowered in the corner and said, 'Please don't hurt me.'''

As America goes to the voting booth tomorrow, here is a collection of some other wise observations lest any among us take politics too seriously:

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." —Groucho Marx

"Politics, noun.

A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." —Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.” -- Jay Leno.

“The problem with political jokes is they get elected.” -- Henry Cate, VII

“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” – Aesop

“If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.” -- Will Rogers

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.” -- Clarence Darrow

“Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.” -- John Quinton

“Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.” -- Oscar Ameringer

“I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.” -- Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

“A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.” -- Tex Guinan

“I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.” -- Charles de Gaulle

“Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.” -- Doug Larson

“There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.” Will Rogers

“If you want a real friend that you can trust in Washington -- go buy a dog!” – Harry Truman

"The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then get elected and prove it." —P.J. O'Rourke, Parliament of Whores

"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." —Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." —Will Rogers

"Our intent will not be to create gridlock. Oh, except maybe from time to time." —Bob Dole, on working with the Clinton administration

"If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush's head." —Jim Hightower, former Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder Bush

"There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and ... evil." —Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." —Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" —Marion Barry

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." – Ronald Reagan

"Ozone, Man, Ozone. He's crazy, way out, far out, man." —George Bush, Sr., speaking about Al Gore during the 1992 presidential campaign

"You cannot be president of the United States if you don't have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So don't feel sorry for — don't cry for me, Argentina. Message: I care." —George Bush, Sr., speaking to employees of an insurance company during the 1992 New Hampshire primary

"Please don't ask me to do that which I've just said I'm not going to do, because you're burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you, and I am now filibustering." —George Bush, Sr.

"I am not one who — who flamboyantly believes in throwing a lot of words around." —George Bush, Sr.

"He can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth." —Former Texas Gov. Ann Richards on misstatements made by George Bush, Sr.

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." —Dan Quale

"People would say, 'We need a man on the ticket." —Rep. Pat Schroeder, on why George Bush was unlikely to choose a woman as his running mate in 1988

''Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.'' -- Mark Twain

"There are lots more people in the House. I don't know exactly — I've never counted, but at least a couple hundred." —Dan Quayle, on the difference between the House and Senate

''I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: ''Dear Jack, Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.''' -- President John Kennedy

''I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.'' -- Ronald Reagan, The New York Times, September 22, 1980

''Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for.''  -- George Carlin

"Well, I learned a lot … I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries" —Ronald Reagan

"I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me." —Jimmy Carter, in an interview with Playboy one month prior to the 1976 election

"All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it." —Lyndon Johnson on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." –Mark Twain

NOTE: Please make a difference and vote tomorrow.

royexum@aol.com

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