My Irish friends, forever loyal on Saint Patrick’s Day for hoisting a pint and bellowing “Erin go Bragh!” (which means “Ireland Forever!”) had their feelings hurt over the weekend. It seems the lads at the Tennessee Highway Patrol announced there would be an intensified effort to corral drunken drivers, as if the Irish were best noted for driving drunk.
I am assured this is definitely not the case, but rather a way to save lives of those who don’t know how to properly “pretend to be Irish” on this day when the Rules of Lent are relaxed to allow a great feast and the consumption of adult beverages. So as we join the police in asking our hearty souls not to drink and drive, and to wear their seat belts, allow me to help you enjoy the this day that is celebrated around the world:
* * *
Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died.
The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.
The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”
The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” The man responds, “I’ll go tell him.”
* * *
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "...Where ya callin' from?"
* * *
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise The Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
* * *
AN IRISH CURSE: “May those that love us love us, and those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. If He can’t turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles, so we’ll know them by their limping!”
* * *
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
* * *
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet.
* * *
It was a quiet day in an English pub and a few local blokes were feeling like starting a bit of trouble. Well, just then Paddy Irishman had the misfortune to walk in and order a pint of stout.
One Englishman turns to the other two and says, “I say, let’s get a rise out of Paddy, shall we?” They all agree and one of them walks over to Paddy’s table.
“I hear that St Patrick was a raving drunkard, out of his mind half the time.” the Englishman sneered.
Paddy looked up from his stout, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Ah, now,” before turning away again.
The second Englishman walked over. “The way I heard it, Saint Patrick was a lech and an adulterer.”
Paddy shrugged again, saying “Ah, well,” and appeared not to react to their barbs.
The two Englishmen looked in confusion at the third. The third smiled viciously, as if he knew just the thing required to upset poor Paddy. Standing, he called out,
“I heard that Saint Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!!”
Paddy looked up from his pint for a third time and said, “Sure, weren’t these other two lads just trying ta tell me the same thing!”
* * *
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."
* * *
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
* * *
Now, try to say “Irish wristwatch.”