A noted anthropologist once said: “NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life. Unfortunately, it won’t date them either.” – Stephen Colbert
It is a shame. Male nerds do not attract many romantic partners. Let’s take a look at why that happens.
· Human beings are still ruled by instincts programmed into their genes. We have the mental capacity to overcome our instincts in ways that most animals cannot.
But we have not overcome our genes. We react to other persons using behaviors that are at least somewhat decided by our instincts.
· Women are still genetically hardwired to want a romantic partner to look and act like a hypermasculine he-man. She instinctively associates this look with the ability of the man to protect her from physical harm. She can certainly choose to be attracted to other types of men, but the he-man will always hold some sway for her.
· The male nerd rarely projects the hypermasculine image, so the typical woman is not instinctively attracted to him. She can be attracted, but it will be against her instincts and not following them.
· Another problem for the male nerd is that he is not inclined to play the instinctive romantic games that women tend to play. Female mammals usually try to force the male to chase her as long as possible before she gives in. Female humans may not take things to the edge, but they want to be chased. A male nerd does not see the point of all this. If a woman were to drop a handkerchief at his feet, he would probably return it to her without saying a word.
· Remember that many male nerds have had mostly bad experiences with women, so they shy away from most contact with women to avoid another insult. Eventually, the fear turns into a phobia.
· The male nerd should realize that he is just as good a person as the woman whom he avoids. He should also realize that the supermodel type of woman can be shallow and arrogant because everyone smooches her hindquarters and tells her how great and desirable she is because she is beautiful. The exceptions to this rule are rare and every guy wants to find them.
If you look around the Internet, you can find special pickup lines for computer jocks. Surely no one would take this stuff seriously or hope that any self-respecting female would respond positively to any of this cornymaterial. It may be worth a chuckle or two. Most of the lines are R-rated, but a couple can be used in a general publication:
· Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
· You must be Windows 95 because you’ve got me feeling unstable.
The situation is somewhat better for female nerds. To be blunt about it, some men will chase any woman, including the nerds. However, her selection will be limited and probably not the kind of man she wants. If she chooses to behave in a quiet manner and dress plainly, she may not get much attention.
Another relevant observation: “I get obsessed by little nerdy things … that no one else is interested in.” -- Björk
Now let’s look at some myths and misconceptions about nerds and romance.
· Nerds only care about books and video media. Actually, shyness covers up insecurity. It should not be interpreted as lack of interest.
· Nerds are only interested in other nerds. This one is most emphatically not true. Male nerds lust after the same women as the other men, even if those women would not want anything to do with the nerds.
· Nerds do not have any self-esteem. If they did, they would chase women. In fact, nerds do lack social skills. They never learned how to seduce women. Enough rejection will kill the spirit of any nerd. How often does a nerd need to hear, “You must be joking!” before he realizes he has a problem?
· Nerds are popular now. Women love them. Please do not be fooled by the popularity of television shows like “The Big Bang Theory.” These shows are not real at all. The guys on that show are a bunch of Central Casting nerds. In other words, they are a bunch of everyday actors playing nerds. Real male nerds do not have large numbers of beautiful babes hanging all over them. To some of us, the whole show feels like a major insult. In fairness, quite a few nerds like the show.
· Nerds are defective. They don’t deserve our help. If you really believe that, thanks for reading and move on to the next article.
So the nerd has a problem with finding romance. Is there anything that can be done to help the situation?
As a start, nerds do not need your sympathy or pity. They need practical help. For more information about this, see the previous article titled “In Defense of the Nerd.”
To the general female population: do not reject the nerd at first glance. Too often, you do. At least give the nerd a chance. Perhaps you can help the nerd work through issues and become a more desirable partner.
To the male nerds who are reading this: look for a woman’s inner beauty. Do not fixate only on beautiful women. Physical beauty fades over the years, but inner beauty sustains and often grows. Who would you want to spend the years with: a beautiful harridan or a woman with a good heart who will return your love and affection?
Here are some thoughts for the entire nerd population:
· We can fantasize about finding some celebrity as a romantic partner, but we really should look to each other. After all, we nerds understand each other better than the general population understands us. We also have similar interests to each other.
· As was mentioned in the previous article, we nerds need more social situations aimed at the nerd population. A few on-line dating services aim at our market, but they do not work very well. The big problem with almost all on-line dating is that a large number of men are pursuing a small number of females.
· Do not hide yourselves. Too many nerds do just that. They try to avoid attention. Maybe they want to be invisible. Maybe they have been insulted and ignored too many times. But if you try to be invisible, no one will ever find you.
We cannot wait for the general population to help us. They will not. We must help ourselves.
· Some organizations act like they know everything about relationships, but have nothing to say to nerds and other singles. They act like nerds are supposed to crawl under a rock and leave the rest of us alone. It is like we are not worthy of their attention. It would be nice if these groups would wake up and realize they could provide some help to people who could use it.
As for me, I have not given up. I still think there is a nerdette out there who would want me. Although I am closer to the end of my days than the beginning, I will keep looking for that someone until I can no longer do so.
I guess that is the final message for the nerds who are still looking for romance. Don’t give up. I’m pulling for you.
mleerog@bellsouth.net