Dear Coach Saban,
I officially arose from the wrong side of the bed today when I learned from my cell phone that 19- year-old Altee Tenpenny's license plate light wasn't working so he got pulled over. Don't get confused, Coach, it wasn't a tail light or a blinker or a back up light or anything like that and everybody knows that not having a license plate light is a capital offense. Don't they? I mean, can a cop not see a guys license plate with his head lights?
When the fine Razorback officer made him roll his window down he smelled fresh reefer smoke and noticed that Altee was shivering in his boots. That gave Johnny Law a reason to search the car from head to toe and he found a whopping 2 point whatever grams of pot. That is .07% of an ounce which is probably like 1.5 joints (that's what they called them in my day- they're blunts now). That is also an egregious, capital, violation of the law of the land.
Please, Coach. This is ridiculous. The boy is 19, like Justin Bieber, and look at what the pixie Beebsy boy gets away with. The reason Altee was nervous is because not only will he face a judge, he'll face you. You, Coach (the best one in football and thank God you didn't high tail it to Texas), ain't got much of a reputation for patience and you, thankfully, will suffer no fool gladly. But give the boy a break this time around and pray with me that the judge will smack the head of the arresting, pin-headed officer who can't dance.
If you've seen those moonshine shows on TV you know that there are as many violent rednecks in Arkansas as there are in Alabama. Or Tennessee. Or anywhere. Surely there is more going on in north Arkansas than a busted license plate light and 2 grams of weed. Really.
I hope the arresting officer is a black guy because this sorta stinks, man.