Roy Exum: The Tale Of Two Doctors

Tuesday, June 24, 2014 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

A dear friend has just shared an email story of two patients who limped into different medical clinics with hip problems on the very same day. The symptoms were quite similar for both, each in severe pain and neither able to walk. The first patient is immediately examined, is x-rayed within an hour and surgery is set for the next day.

But the second patient must first be seen by his family doctor, due to insurance requirements, and the first appointment is ten days away. It then takes three more weeks to be seen by an orthopedic specialist. A scan is ordered for the next week and then the surgery cannot be done until the review boards can study the findings and determine the benefit of any surgery, pending appeals, of course.

The difference in the patients? The first was a Golden Retriever that was taken to a nearby veterinarian. The second was a senior citizen with an Affordable Healthcare policy. And the moral of the story? If you don’t vote in November you better hope you know a good vet.

C’mon, you’ve got to admit that’s funny! I get millions of witty emails and, in honor of the glorious rain that fell on Tuesday to make our lands lush, let me share a smattering of what I read almost every morning that makes me laugh and is so, so politically incorrect.

* * *

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this ridiculous nonsense about racial profiling. And the best part? It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

Instead, here’s what will happen: You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on Flight 670 to London."

Shalom! "Maintenance, clean up at Gate 2, please...”

* * *

BREAKING NEWS: The Washington Redskins professional football team has announced it is dropping “Washington” from the official team name. Team officials claim it is “embarrassing.”

* * *

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida, decided to take one of the jobs most Americans are not willing to do. Applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove, she seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I’ll have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have. I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Obama."

She got the job without further comment.

* * *

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, said the other day, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto.

“I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."

“Across the street could be a lingerie store named “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult toy shop , "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." 

“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.”

* * *

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music, no one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him, by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar, when they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a huge crowd has gathered around the grave.

They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."

* * *

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.      

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...                                

First -- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second -- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third -- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth -- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.        

Fifth -- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth -- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh -- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth -- One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth -- Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth -- Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally -- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

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