Roy Exum
Okay … here we go. A number of readers have complained that I haven’t shared any jokes that my friends send to my email address so on a weekend when our Volunteers and Mocs are idle, let’s laugh a little:
I was sitting in a bar one afternoon with an old friend knocking back a few beers when he said, "You know, if we're not careful we'll end up like those two old drunks over there."
I said, "You idiot, that's a mirror!"
* * *
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
“Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What … You're coming empty handed?"
* * *
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda your wife inna arms of another man. What you gonna do? Point to the watch and say, ‘Time’s up’?”
* * *
Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big bull moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"
Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
* * *
Five surgeons from big cities were discussing who were the best patients for them to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon, from Chicago, responded, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, said, "No, I really think that librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shut them all up when he observed that, "You are all wrong! Politicians are the easiest to operate on! They have no guts, no hearts, no brains, and no spine. Plus, their heads and their butts are interchangeable!"
* * *
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars,” the man said and the genie replied, “Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” Again the genie said, “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two … Now make your final wish.”
The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
* * *
A news reporter traveled to the Middle East to learn about the center of so many religions.
While she was there, she heard of an old man that made a daily visit to the great wall to pray. She immediately was struck with the notion that she should meet with the man to learn of the wisdom he could impart, so thus, she sought out the man and was granted an interview.
While talking to the man, she posed the question, 'What do you pray about every day at the wall?'
To which the devout man replied, “Every day I pray that Christians, the Jewish and Muslims will love one another ... that they will no longer fight, war and kill. I also pray that politicians will be truthful, honest and serve the will of the people they represent with dignity.'
The reporter questioned, “How wonderful that you have such a committed prayer! Having had the same prayer for so long, what have been the long term results?”
“Well', said the man, “I feel as though all I have been doing is talking to a wall!”
* * *
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died. The judge, equally shocked, asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”
* * *
In a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first-class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first-class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first-class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first-class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first-class section wasn't going to New York."
* * *
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly ... but, on leaving the bus, the little boy stopped and, leaning over, whispered, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar!"
* * *
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man of Your House!”
Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want it!
“Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have you cremated."
royexum@aol.com