Roy Exum
Today we are going to play a “special request” for the Saturday funnies. Most people think the funnies come on Sunday but this is for everybody who ever spent the night with a classmate and then sat in front of a black-and-white TV 50 years ago for the cartoons. Believe it or not, it was the only time TV interested us back in the day. Please note – I didn’t write these jokes. This is the way they were delivered via email from readers. So here we go:
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AN AMAZING IRISH TRADITION
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat – ker-Splash – the lad nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he wailed, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya idiot!"
* * *
A LEGENDARY LAWYER STORY
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
* * *
A BUS TRIP IN HOLLAND
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”
She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
* * *
POLICE PROFILING
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof -- and the horn -- and screamed in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection on his tail.
She was still in mid-rant when she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal belongings.
"I'm very sorry for the mistake," he told her. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do?” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
* * *
BEST VOICE MAIL THIS WEEK
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you may assume you are one of the changes."
* * *
‘I’D LIKE TO BE 12 AGAIN’
Sitting on the edge of the bed, observing my wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday wasn't far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. “I'd like to be twelve again,” she said, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, I got up early and made her a nice big bowl of Co-co Puffs and then took her to a nearby theme park. What a day!
We went on every ride – The Texas Twister, The Freefall, the Paris Ferris Wheel, the bumper cars, four times on the roller coaster -- everything available. Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I took her to a McDonald's where I got her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movies with popcorn, a huge Coca-Cola, and her favorite candy --M&M's with peanuts. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally we wobbled home with and collapsed into bed exhausted. I leaned over my wife with a big smile and asked, “Well, my dear, what was it like being twelve again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size, you moron!” The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna’ get it wrong.
* * *
WALKING WHILE PREGNANT
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher.
“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
* * *
THERE IS A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an ‘Attitude Suitability Test,’ that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six radical extremists, six Democrats, six pedophiles and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
* * *
YOU KNOW YOU ARE OLD …
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
* * *
THE 104-YEAR-OLD WOMAN
A group of reporters were interviewing a 104-year-old woman when one asked, “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She easily replied, "No peer pressure."
* * *
AND SPEAKING OF GETTING OLD
In another interview an elderly gentleman told the TV cameras, “I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, both knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take 40 different medications that make me always dizzy, easily winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, and I've lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my Tennessee driver's license!”
royexum@aol.com