Roy Exum: The Great Peace Pipe

  • Sunday, January 25, 2015
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

There is a serious rift between our state legislators and Erlanger Hospital that has me worried. If I worry about something, it doubles the power of the worry. My problem? I am convinced we have the best collection of people at the State Legislature in Nashville we’ve ever had – I adore each of them. I am also blessed to believe Erlanger is back on track and, after a sensational second quarter, is not only on track but gaining speed. So, run, you mighty steed, run!

The longer I live I find more and more evidence there really are two banks to every creek.

So as I call the Great Peace Pipe down from the sky and study the silly mess before us, I can see why “my” legislators are upset and I can also see that “my” Erlanger needs to repent and seek forgiveness. The first thing we have to do is get the sheep and the goats in the same teepee.

Sheep and goats? Darn straight. In the Direction Book that comes along when we call on the Great Peace Pipe, there is a Parable called “The Sheep and the Goats.” If you want to read along, you’ll find it in the Great Book of Matthew, Chapter 25, Verses 31-46. I could go into a long harangue about it but the crux of the whole thing is this: “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me.” Oh, quick tip – don’t be a goat.

The first puff of smoke is pretty easy. When Erlanger was searching rather desperately for enough cash to make the ends meet, some tough decisions were made and one was to eliminate post-retirement benefits on Jan. 1. The legislators realize that hurt a lot of good people who – let’s be candid – are on fixed incomes. The decision stinks. It was wrong on Nov. 26 when it was announced and it is wrong 25 days since the wire was cut.

But hark! No one could foresee the bountiful blessing the second-quarter financials would bring. So here’s an easy fix that will quell all hearts and silence the legislators’ phones. Let’s revisit that wrong and honor the promises the retirees were given after years of service. Yes, it can be argued other corporations are cutting post-retirement benefits but more diligent study will show that is to “future retirees.”

In other words. Stop all post-retirement benefits from this day forth but let’s never veer from the unwritten code that at Erlanger a man’s word is a promise. Get a big puff off the Great Peace Pipe and the nicotine alone will reveal a key factoid that will make this problem really go away: Old age don’t last long!

The second mountain is a tougher climb but you have to know Erlanger CEO Kevin Spiegel comes from the land we once despised during the War of Northern Aggression. While it now appears he may well lead us to the land of milk and honey, it is going to take some months, even years, before we can teach him how to act. Sadly, it is going to take even longer before he stops saying stupid stuff. This is true of any Yankee with the exception of Derek Jeter.

Now, when Spiegel spoke to the Editorial Board at the Times Free Press sometime in 2013, he was understandably jittery, and probably talked too fast. The man can’t find his way to Nikki’s! So when he said something about “after the elections the legislature will have the fix,” or whatever dumb it was, I will stake my life on the fact he didn’t mean it like it came across. In no way does he think the legislature is, will be, or can be “fixed.” Maybe the reporter got the quote wrong. Whatever it was, its cause was geographical, a Yankee thing. A reporting error? Trust me, it happens all the time to one-handed typists.

Listen, anytime Spiegel sends out a letter he puts a “hotty-dotty” on it with the silly initials, “FACHE” like anybody gives a rat’s whisker. Please, that's a great example of some of the Yankee we’ve got to get out of him. Look in the Great Peace Pipe and you’ll see where people have battled demons for over 2,000 years. "Paul, being grieved, turned and said to the spirit, I command thee in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her. And (the demon) came out the same hour."

Regretfully, it ain’t going to happen quite that fast since none of us have much of an Apostle’s grip, but the man is coachable, I’m telling you, but he hasn’t been infused with enough pimento cheese and sweet tea just yet.

Now, about those “outlandish” raises … I have no doubt the state attorney general’s office will find no violations of the state’s Sunshine Laws. Both in-house and independent counsel can find no wrong doing and, after board chairman Donnie Hutcherson, board secretary Jack Studer, and hospital chief of staff Gregg Gentry each looked me dead in the eye and told me they are completely mystified by the allegations, I’ll even co-sign the note!

Geezy-peazy, this is what’s wrong with America right now. We get so entangled in the minutia and the mundane we lose sight of the true objective. Think of the time, the money and the effort involved in this one allegation and then multiply that figure by the number of people involved. Now multiply the fact we have had three different investigations over the Titanic question, “Did Erlanger violate the Sunshine Law when the executive bonuses were given?” Have you calculated yet what this whole mess equates to in real life?  Say “a rat’s whisker” and you’ll make an A.

For the sake of argument, like we need to waste more time, let’s say Erlanger “did” violate the Sunshine Law. Then what? Everybody gets to keep fingers, toes and nose holes, right? If ‘we’ levy a fine, ‘we’ then take money from ‘us’ to give to ‘we.’ Boy, that makes great sense, particularly after ‘we’ had seven shootings in the first three days that ‘we’ have had to pay for.

Yes, I was shocked by the amount of the raises until I learned how the whole thing works, particularly in health care management. Jack Studer told me it’s the norm. Incentive-based salaries are how you keep and encourage and motivate all-star performers. Spiegel’s raise was spelled out on Chattanoogan.com just days after he was hired. No surprise there. The hospital then checked with consultants to see what other hospitals paid their top-tier players to keep the pirates away.

Why was it a last-minute addition to the agenda (if it was)? Maybe somebody forgot to enter it or maybe the board didn’t want the whiners to stage a candle-lit protest. What difference does it make? Look instead at the bigger picture: we all knew it was gonna’ happen. Duh, last board meeting of the year, ya think?

But the best news is this – if you go to this December’s Board of Trustees meeting, the raises will be even fatter. Yes, and that is because Spiegel & Co. are gonna’ make more money running a public hospital this year than the $18 million last fiscal year. Book it, Dono. And do the math, Einstein – If performance-based salaries are thicker, that means the hospital bottom line is blacker and – who knows -- raises may even trickle towards those who deserve them the most. That’s what I’m talking about!

Take your second-to-the-last puff on the Great Peace Pipe and let’s talk about a direction called forward. As you try to blow smoke out of your nose, think back to 2014 when the legislators brilliantly created a 501(c)3 style of management plan for Erlanger and I mean got it done. This really happened but when it came before the County Commission, it got squashed. Well, dumb me – I thought it was because a complex case of stupid and red-neck had befallen our county leaders.

But, no, the reason the highly-desirable plan got scrapped was because Erlanger treats jailbirds for free, saving the county great sums of money. Here’s how it works. The County Mayor and the Commissioners made a great Santa Claus show out of the fact they give the city’s largest health provider – a place where indigent care costs the hospital in “hard money” about $35 million a year – the smallest amount of any county in the United States of America. That’s right, Hamilton County’s $1.5 million is at the bottom of the pile. A year of free health care for everybody in jail? Who said between $30 million-35 million?

King Solomon would tell County Mayor Jim Coppinger to take a flying leap, to keep his “chump change,” but the county commissioners fear if they lose control of Erlanger – as well they should – Miss Beady Eyes will start mailing those “Due on the 10th” letters to Sheriff Hammond. Hamilton County’s cash to Erlanger versus free health care to prisoners is proof that something is badly broken.

Better yet, the city of Chattanooga gives nary a dime. Somebody told me that each of our shootings costs the taxpayers about $25,000 in “hard money” unless the victim croaks en route. What kind of consolation prize is that? The city of Chattanooga is an embarrassment when compared to what other medium-sized municipalities do for their public hospitals. “Oh, that's a county problem!” “Oh, that’s a state problem!” “Oh, that’s a federal problem!” The truth is it is about time for us to get in a line, locked elbow-to-elbow, and confront the monster by accepting the responsibility that it is “our” problem and includes all of us from tip to toe.

Hark! The ember is on the wane in the Great Peace Pipe, just enough left for every sheep and goat to get a deep draw, so as you pass it brother-to-brother and friend-to-friend, let’s say what we must never forget until it comes time for the Great Peace Pipe again. “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me.”

Now, let’s everybody work harder at being a sheep in the same flock ‘cause in the end, being a goat won’t do.

* * *

“When a war breaks out, people say: ‘It’s too stupid to last long.’ But though the war may well be too stupid, that doesn’t prevent its lasting. Stupidity has a knack of getting its way; as we should see if we were not always so much wrapped up in ourselves.” – Albert Camus

royexum@aol.com

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