Roy Exum: My November Garden

  • Sunday, November 1, 2015
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

In keeping with the best one-liner in Thanksgiving history: “I am thankful the Pilgrims found a turkey before they saw an opossum,” we are going to approach our Walk in the Garden a little differently this month.  It is my custom to split each month’s notes between rants and raves but this is the month of Thanksgiving. It is a time when we glorify all of God’s gifts so we will forego any onions this month and just send a steaming turkeys to those in today’s parade.

A TURKEY to Verizon, the phone company, for enabling its users to automatically get “Amber Alerts.” This week I got a BOLO (be on the lookout) for a black Chevrolet Impala and I kept my eyes pealed.

Sure enough, hours later another driver spotted the car on Morrow County, Ohio. The driver dialed 9-1-1 and within minutes 2-year-old Brooklynne Enix of Knoxville was safe and sound. The child’s father was charged in the first-degree murder of Brooklynne’s mother but the child is safe.

A TURKEY in the memory of Ladd Marshall, one of life’s greatest guys who, once upon a time, fixed more children’s bicycles at his filling station than were sold in Chattanooga during the same year. I’ll tell you two more things about him – he insisted the smallest child call him Ladd, not Mr. Marshall, and he’d really get mad if one of us kids ever tried to pay him.

A TURKEY to Ahmed Zayat, whose Triple-Crown winner American Pharoah retired yesterday after becoming the first thoroughbred in 37 years to win the Kentucky Derby, Preakness, and Belmont States this summer. What’s neat about American Pharoah is that the horse has its own Boeing 727, which has been completely retrofitted for anything the horse might need, including a huge stable. And yes, you’re right – the airplane is called “Air Horse One.”

A TURKEY in the memory of Sarah Josepha Hale. She’s the one who hounded Abraham Lincoln to create the Thanksgiving holiday. Lincoln agreed because he felt it may pull the country back together, this in 1863 during the Civil War. Of course, you know Sarah Josepha Hale better as the one who wrote the child’s rhyme, “Mary Had A Little Lamb.”

A TURKEY to everyone in America who remembers this is the day we replace batteries in everything that needs a battery like smoke alarms, flashlights and portable radios in case of power outages. Also move all the clocks back an hour. Today we go back to Eastern Standard Time, which is kind of silly because we ought to stick with one or the other all year. That’s what animals do.

A TURKEY for America’s sweet tooth. Do you realize that this particular weekend, from Friday until today, our the citizens of our country spent $2.6 billion (with a ‘b’) in Halloween candy?

A TURKEY to plumbers everywhere; according to Roto-Rooter, the largest plumbing company in America, “Black Friday” is their busiest day of the year. It seems on the day after the average American will eat between 4,000 and 6,000 calories, we “overwhelm the systems.” (It takes about eight hours of moderate exercise to burn that many calories off.)

A TURKEY to the Georgia Tech football team. When the Yellow Jacket’s Lance Austin raced back a blocked Florida State field goal attempt for 78 yards with no time left last weekend, it snapped a five-game losing streak and gave the Yellow Jackets a 22-16 over the previously unbeaten Seminoles. But what I adored was the way the play-by-play man called the play … “He’s still on his feet! One Man! You can’t believe what you are seeing … What a great day to be alive!” (Don’t you love that? Vow to scream ‘It’s a great day to be alive’ at least once every morning!)

A TURKEY to Cubs’ pitcher Dan Haren, who retired moments after Chicago was eliminated in the National League Championship Series by the Mets. He tweeted, “Thank you baseball. I played this beautiful game for 30 years. I took my jersey off for the last time tonight. It was an honor.” And this: Haren’s hashtag was @ithrow88. He just changed it to @ithrew88.

A TURKEY for the humor at the University of Colorado in Boulder. That’s where The Alferd G. Packer Memorial Grill in the cafeteria is named after a real-life cannibal who ate his five companions during their journey across the Rockies in 1874. The slogan -- “Have a friend for lunch!”

A TURKEY for the new album by the great singer Andrea Bocelli, the blind singer with perhaps the best vocal cords in the world. Entitled “The Greatest Songs of Cinema,” this one’s a keeper.

A TURKEY to Gabe, a service dog that was paired with veteran Justin Lansford in 2013 after his left leg had to be amputated due to an IED attack in Afghanistan. The dog was provided for mobility assistance but Justin says Gabe’s emotional support is why the beautiful golden retriever served as his “best man” when he married his wife Carol last month. “It’s hard to be mad or nervous when you have this great smiling face that just wants to lick you,” Justin explained.

A TURKEY to the cranberry folks. Records show we went through 768 million pounds of them in 2012. And, if you are wondering, the National Turkey Federation says we will each 46 million birds on Thanksgiving Day, which is about a fifth of the 235 million we will eat all year.

A TURKEY for persistence to Ed Richards, a 56-year-old who recently had his ears surgically removed in his quest to look like his pet parrots. His head and face are already realistically colored with tattoos that resemble the bird’s head. He has over 110 tattoos in all, 50 body piercings, two horn-like appendages on either side his skull, and a split tongue. Now he is actively searching for a surgeon who can turn his nose into a beak. Go ahead. Google him – you’ll see. In case you are wondering, his parrots’ names are Ellie, Teaka, Timneh, Jake and Bubi.

A TURKEY to the Wampanoag Indians who supplied the deer that were eaten at the first Thanksgiving in Plymouth Colony in the fall of 1621. It was the only meat served. Back then everybody had so much fun the celebration lasted three days and the calories? Best-guess estimates put it at 550 calories per person versus ten times that today. The biggest reason? Pies and alcoholic beverages.

A TURKEY for jokes like this one: Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader. I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

royexum@aol.com

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