Roy Exum: The Sunday Funnies

  • Sunday, March 29, 2015
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

They say March roars in like a lion and leaves like a lamb. So as you reach for your lambs-wool sweater on this last Sunday of the month, allow me to lighten up a bit with a new edition of my Sunday Funnies. I have a delightful crowd that keeps me supplied in jokes and these are some of the best that have come my way:

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST -- She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.  Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.  Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.  Her boyfriend is on the cover of Men's Health Magazine.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (An honest man’s perspective) -- I know I'm not going to understand women.  I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR -- While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.” He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife's favorite flower?” Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury, isn't it?”

WIFE VERSUS HUSBAND -- A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.  An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.  As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” The wife replied, “Yep … in-laws.”

WORDS -- A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ...  30,000 to a man's 15,000.  His wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.” The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

CREATION -- A man said to his wife one day, “I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.  His wife responded, “Allow me to explain … God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;  God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

WHO DOES WHAT -- A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.  The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.” His wife replies, “No, you should do it, and, besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”  Her husband replies, “I can't believe that, show me!” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages it indeed says “HEBREWS”

THE SILENT TREATMENT -- A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

It’s like they say … God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. And, let’s face it, men are simply not equipped for these kinds of contests.

* * *

I was standing at a bar in Clearwater and this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why you ask me that?  Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer …”

* * *

A TRUE COURTROOM SCENE

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

* * *

THE BEST NEWS STORY EVER

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and the perpetrators probably thought they had hit the big time.

Not long afterwards, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars, "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there, too. About half of Gertrude's ashes remained.  

Taped to the box was this note: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."  

royexum@aol.com

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