Roy Exum
It is virtually impossible to make me mad. It takes up too much time and energy. Instead, I found out long ago if you love people they’ll love you back. Life is so much better when folks get along, and the older I get, I am realizing nothing bad has ever happened to me that something better didn’t take its place.
On the very rare occasions I do get so mad I start shaking, I want some fool to do one of two things --cry or bleed. I use the words figuratively because, it’s true, revenge is best served cold.
Walk away from any situation that makes you mad and don’t dare say a word. Instead, plan and plot. 90 percent of the time you’ll cool off, but on the rare occasion somebody dearly deserves to get hit, make it really sting by carefully planning and plotting.
This weekend somebody mailed me a copy of an old ad I once placed in the newspaper’s “Help Wanted” section that makes me laugh every time I go back and read it. I had gotten tangled up with an orthopedic practice at Erlanger Hospital that I quickly came to realize was the worst collection of humans ever assembled. I’ve had over 130 surgeries on my right arm alone and have been to a lot of different doctors, but these people were the absolute worst and treated others like they were pests instead of patients.
Mind you, this was 11 years ago and I have since been told Erlanger has straightened out the orthopedic crowd but, rest assured, I’ll never know. Back then, there came a day when my arm was badly infected and the Mayo Clinic folks told me to start taking a strong antibiotic immediately. I called the orthopedic office at Erlanger and pushed “1,” “3” and “7” until I got the nurses’ voice mail, which informed me to check with my pharmacy after 5 p.m. “to see if we called in a prescription for you,” and “do not call us back after you leave a message.”
So I take my oozing arm, my fever and my sick self to the actual orthopedic office and tell the receptionist who I am, why the urgency, and ask to see the nurse. The receptionist comes back with a pencil and a sheet of paper, telling me to write the nurse a note about what I needed. I told the receptionist, in a kind voice, I would go elsewhere.
Soon I was planning and plotting on how to get even. I came up with the idea of running an ad in the “Help Wanted” section of the Sunday classified ads. The public would never know I wasn’t really seeking a kind doctor but, instead, trying to humiliate some loathsome people who treated their patients like cattle.
The ad had a big headline that read, HELP WANTED, and under it were these words: “An Orthopedic Surgeon Who Puts The Patient First.” Here’s what the ad said:
* * *
I am a good-humored 55-year-old male in generally good health, who is seeking an accredited orthopedic surgeon in the Chattanooga area to help with persistent problems with my right elbow.
REQUIREMENTS
Your office telephone must be answered by a human being. If your office has an automated system that instructs the caller to press “1” for this or “2” for that, please disregard this ad.
Your nurse must return calls. If your nurse is busy helping another patient and is unable to answer her telephone extension, and message left on his or her answering machine must be returned within two hours. If you cannot assure this will happen, please disregard this ad.
Patient must be seen within 60 minutes (1 hour) of a scheduled appointment. If you do not recognize my time is valuable and important, please disregard this ad. (If you have an emergency and cannot see me at the appointed time, this requirement will be waived with a call from your staff to my cell phone.)
Your staff, from the receptionist to lab worker to the billing clerk, must be courteous and kind. They must also realize that sometimes I will be sick and/or in pain and won’t feel good. If you have anyone on your staff, top to bottom, who does not treat every patient with compassion, who is not “positive,” and/or has an occasional attitude problem, please disregard this ad.
BENEFITS
I have “good” insurance through Blue Cross-Blue Shield. I have a $20 co-pay but I always pay with cash. I am employed in a fulltime job and work hard for the money I pay you. I strive to live by “The Golden Rule.” If you do not know “The Golden Rule,” please disregard this ad.
I know many people in the Chattanooga area. When I tell my friends I have located and chosen an orthopedic surgeon in this city and surrounding area who treats every patient with kindness and respect, and who has an office staff that answers the telephone with a real voice, and really does return calls, I can promise your practice will soon thrive in a way you cannot imagine.
If you are an orthopedic surgeon in a nearby town, like Cleveland, Dayton, Dalton South Pittsburg or anywhere within a one hour drive of Chattanooga you will not be excluded from this offer. I’d much rather drive an hour than endure the growing medical malady of “me-versus-them.”
NO HARD WORK REQUIRED
My situation is quite complicated. An upcoming surgery will soon be performed at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. All I ask is that you follow my case locally. Think of me as “low hanging fruit,” easy to pick, easy to treat, and wonderfully billable. I will never ask for narcotics and/or any other prescription pain medications.
OTHER DOCTORS NEEDED!
If you are a medical doctor of a different discipline, from anything to cardiac surgery to podiatry, and you and your office are not in these groups that use automated instructions, answering machines, and “Nurse Nameless,” let me know and I will happily refer you to some new, paying, qualified patients at absolutely no cost to you!
Please reply to (my name, address, and telephone number)
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At 7:15 on the morning the ad appeared, a giggling nurse from Memorial Hospital called to say they had placed a copy of my ad in every chart on the floor. By mid-morning my voice mail was full and there were also some smart people who wanted to know who in the world made me so mad that I’d buy an ad in the paper.
Three days after the ad appeared, I got a pompous letter written in “lawyer-ese” that stated I was no longer welcome at the orthopedic office and it made me so happy I wanted to frame it. The jerks got the message, loud and clear. It’s true, vengeance belongs to the Lord, but lending a hand can be priceless.
In the past 10 years, when I’ve had to go to the emergency room, the Erlanger orthopedic surgeons have refused to see me, which always makes me laugh. As long as I’ve got the Hayes Hand Group, the trauma guys at University Surgical, and the crowd at Chattanooga Bone & Joint, I’m much better off.
I’ll admit I’ve mellowed a lot since I got my revenge and today, after considerable thought, I believe if that if I had it to do all over again, I’d probably make the ad bigger.
royexum@aol.com