Ferris Robinson: Orchids

  • Saturday, May 30, 2015
  • Ferris Robinson
Orchids
Orchids

I love orchids. Most everybody does. They are the epitome of loveliness. Orchids are exotic enough to be enticing and beautiful enough to be universally appealing.

The gift of an orchid is one of the most notable presents. It is much more special than a random bouquet of flowers - even white tulips – because the orchid’s blooms will last and last.

Enamoured with these exquisite and beautiful plants, I started an orchid hospital, determined to have a few blooming at all times.

I collected discarded orchids that had already bloomed and people were throwing away. I lined them all up and began my carefully-researched rehabilitation regime, expecting success within months.

Many people get their ‘hothouse orchid’ to rebloom. There are websites with explicit instructions, guaranteeing instant success. I was optimistic with my endeavor, even bragging about the new facility (my laundry room counter with both eastern and southern exposure – ideal according to several websites).

Two years and countless orchids later, I must report that the orchid hospital failed.

It’s not fair.

The reason it’s not fair is because I tried. And I tried. And I try. I googled orchid secrets. I bought orchid fertilizer. I untangled pot after pot of fragile roots that I deemed too dry, too wet, or too root-bound after consulting multiple on-line photographs.

I repotted as carefully as a neurologist would untangle a wad of nerves around the spinal cord, using tools and sterilizing my hands. All to no avail.

I wouldn’t be such a bad sport if other people weren’t so successful. Or even if these successful people worked hard at it. I wouldn’t even demand their orchid secrets; just knowing they put a ton of time and energy and effort into making these mysterious and beguiling plants rebloom would placate me somewhat.

But they don’t.

“Oh, I just put them in the dining room,” my friend Tina says almost absent-mindedly of the mass of exotic blooms in her window. She mentions these particular orchids have bloomed many, many times. She is not even bragging. She reports on these exquisite blooms the same way I might report on the leaves budding in the woods. She admires the impressive orchids for their beauty, but doesn’t get overly involved.

I fume.

My friend Lark doesn’t get too worked over the performance of her orchids. She doesn’t have to. They perform beautifully, regularly filling her house with breathtaking blooms.

My friend Angie lines them up on a bench in her breakfast room.
“I think they must like the light here,” she says the same way someone might mention mushrooms like dampness.

I PUT MY ORCHIDS IN THE LIGHT! I want to scream.

I put them in a sunny window and they scorched.

I put them in an eastern window and the leaves melted. They just drooped and literally slid down the side of the pot.

I put them in a northern window and the leaves puckered up like dry, wrinkled skin.

My poor, poor patients. One after another, I carted them off to the compost pile, hoping no one is calculating statistics on the orchid hospital in West Brow, Ga.

My mother brought me a vibrant, white orchid in full-bloom for my birthday last month. I could barely be appreciative.

I knew the poor plant’s days were numbered, and its survival rate was zero percent. My only consolation was the fact that I can drop it off with Tina, or Angie, or Lark after its blooms fade.

And, no doubt, it will probably bloom again.

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