Roy Exum: The Best Obituary, 2016

  • Wednesday, December 21, 2016
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Down through the many years I have been in the newspaper business I have written, often through tearful eyes, hundreds of obituaries, for my family, my friends and some I never knew. So during this, our Christmas Week, I present myself as someone who is more than a novice in the art and a pretty good expert on obituaries that go viral because they are such notable pieces of literature.

When you remember those you miss this weekend, dwell on the funny stuff!

This week there appeared a funeral notice for one Chris Connors, who died a terrible death fighting pancreatic cancer and Lou Gehrig disease simultaneously. This may be one of the best and funniest obituaries ever for this special reason -- a total stranger cannot read it without wanting to meet this man who lived in Portsmouth, N.H., and share a moment or two.

From a writer’s standpoint, it illustrates so beautifully the zest and the zeal that never failed Chris as he went out with the roar of a lion, which he most magnificently was … but what made the obituary was not just the delightful defiance at the end, but that he was all-Chris every day of his life – who would dress up like a priest and pick a fight in a Jewish deli? A cross-dresser -- are you kidding me!

Remember, at Christmas we must be wary of becoming melancholy. Yes, during the holidays as we are certain to remember those who we have deeply loved, but, get this, I can tell funny stories about almost every dead person I have ever met. And, because of Christmas morning, I know I will laugh with them again. Meet the late Chris Connors:

* * *

OBITUARY: Chris Connors

Irishman Dies from Stubbornness, Whiskey!

Chris Connors died, at age 67, after trying to box his bikini-clad hospice nurse just moments earlier. Ladies man, game slayer, and outlaw Connors told his last inappropriate joke on Friday, December 9, 2016, that which cannot be printed here. Anyone else fighting ALS and stage 4 pancreatic cancer would have gone quietly into the night, but Connors was stark naked drinking Veuve in a house full of friends and family as Al Green played from the speakers.

The way he died is just like he lived: he wrote his own rules, he fought authority and he paved his own way. And if you said he couldn't do it, he would make sure he could. Most people thought he was crazy for swimming in the ocean in January; for being a skinny Irish Golden Gloves boxer from Quincy, Massachusetts; for dressing up as a priest and then proceeding to get into a fight at a Jewish deli.

Many gawked at his start of a career on Wall Street without a financial background - but instead with an intelligent, impish smile, love for the spoken word, irreverent sense of humor, and stunning blue eyes that could make anyone fall in love with him.

As much as people knew hanging out with him would end in a night in jail or a killer screwdriver hangover, he was the type of man that people would drive 16 hours at the drop of a dime to come see. He lived 1,000 years in the 67 calendar years we had with him because he attacked life; he grabbed it by the lapels, kissed it, and swung it back onto the dance floor.

At the age of 26 he planned to circumnavigate the world - instead, he ended up spending 40 hours on a life raft off the coast of Panama. In 1974, he founded the Quincy Rugby Club. In his thirties, he sustained a knife wound after saving a woman from being mugged in New York City. He didn't slow down: at age 64, he climbed to the base camp of Mount Everest.

Throughout his life, he was an accomplished hunter and birth-control-device tester (with some failures, notably Caitlin Connors, 33; Chris Connors, 11; and Liam Connors, 8).

He was a rare combination of someone who had a love of life and a firm understanding of what was important -- the simplicity of living a life with those you love. Although he threw some of the most memorable parties during the greater half of a century, he would trade it all for a night in front of the fire with his family in Maine.

His acute awareness of the importance of a life lived with the ones you love over any material possession was only handicapped by his territorial attachment to the remote control of his Sonos music.

Chris enjoyed cross dressing, a well-made fire, and mashed potatoes with lots of butter. His regrets were few, but include eating a rotisserie hot dog from an unmemorable convenience store in the summer of 1986.

Of all the people he touched, both willing and unwilling, his most proud achievement in life was marrying his wife Emily Ayer Connors who supported him in all his glory during his heyday, and lovingly supported him physically during their last days together.

Absolut vodka and Simply Orange companies are devastated by the loss of Connors. A "Celebration of Life" will be held during Happy Hour (4 p.m.) at York Harbor Inn on Monday, December 19.  In lieu of flowers, please pay any open-bar tab or donate to Connors' water safety fund at www.thechrisconnorsfund.com.

* * *

Rest in peace, old son. You have no idea how many people are eager to meet you on the other side.

royexum@aol.com

Opinion
Senate Republican Caucus Weekly Wrap March 28
  • 3/28/2024

This week on Capitol Hill lawmakers were hard at work passing meaningful legislation to improve the lives of Tennesseans as the General Assembly begins to wind down. Public safety was a big focus ... more

Democratic View On Top State Senate Issues - March 28, 2024
  • 3/28/2024

Constitutional amendment would ban state taxes on property. Who would benefit? 8:30 a.m. Senate Regular Calendar — HJR 0081 would amend the Tennessee Constitution to prohibit the legislature ... more

Make Chattanooga A National Bike City
  • 3/27/2024

Imagine Chattanooga as a national bike city. Our City would be transformed and energized with visitors from all demographics. All ages, races and religions love bikes. There are even bikes available ... more