Roy Exum
Although my monthly walk through my garden is a wet one today, I believe this spring may be the prettiest I can remember. The jonquils are gorgeous, the forsythia bright, and never forget April showers bring May flowers. So as we search among our heavy-laden plants for orchids and onions, I do so with great optimism because, back when I was a boy, a farmer told an ancient English saying, “If it thunders on All Fool’s Day, expect good crops of corn and hay!”
AN ORCHID for the brilliant words of Mark Twain that told us, “This is the day on which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty four. (Twain, you remember, also famously wrote, “Let us be thankful for the fools … for without them the rest of us could not succeed.”)
AN ONION for the “Band-Aid” approach to a world-class firing range by our Hamilton County Commissioners and Chattanooga City Council. Quit trying to kill a dead-mule of a facility on Moccasin Bend – don’t spend a dime and instead let’s built an awesome Chattanooga-Hamilton County Gun Safety Center for law professionals and concealed-carry citizens alike. We can find the money – look at the county’s reserves – and please face the fact it will save lives.
AN ORCHID to the school teacher who tells the girls in her classes, “The gum-chewing girl and the cud-chewing cow … have something in common but differ somehow … perhaps it is the intelligent expression on the face of the cow!”
AN ONION for the fact a Washington hiker found a female pit bull that had been hanged from a tree and brutal scratch marks on the tree told the grim story death did not come quickly. Further examination showed the dog had been brutally raped and now there is a $13,000 reward for the name of the pervert. Don’t worry; the police have collected DNA samples and officers have since named the dog “Justice,” vowing they will catch the despicable lunatic.
AN ORCHID for the irrepressible Earl Freudenberg, who was just inducted in the Radio Hall of Fame. You’ll remember his late friend Luther Masingill was enshrined some years ago and, when Earl was honored not long ago, I found it amusing the exact same thing was said back when Luther got in: “What took ‘em (the selection committee) so long?” I’m thinking the next guy from here to go in will be Dex Poindexter.
AN ONION for the fact our iPods, satellite radios, streaming music and the like have horribly chocked away the great delight a magnificent DJ can have on your day. “Phlash Phelps” on Sirius ‘60s on 6” is absolutely awesome but the other day I got to listen to WDEF’s Patty Sanders for a couple of hours (FM 92.3) and she’s just as great a delight.
AN ORCHID for Erlanger Hospital’s wisdom in hiring Jed Mescon to help with marketing the new Children’s Hospital and so many other positives now blooming under Kevin Speigel’s leadership. My goodness, Jed was at WRCB for almost 30 years and, from watching, you’d swear the guy has never had a day that he didn’t see the glory in it.
AN ONION for the reaction when a Philadelphia high school student wrote in an opinion column that Michael Brown, the black teenager whose death touched off the 2014 Ferguson riots, was “a delinquent” who “at worst, was justifiably a killer and, at best, a thug.” The opinion appeared in his high school paper and he immediately received death threats and such harassment from “Black Lives Matter” supporters he has been home-schooled ever since. How about “People’s Lives Matter?”
AN ORCHID to Celia Huxley, Shelby Reuse, Clara Norris, Koyle Blevins, Susan Pauls, Mike Shuford, Donald Ault and Matt Conners – all “friends” of mine on Facebook – who have the notable distinction of having April 1 as their birthday.
AN ONION to the security guard at Rochester Adams High School in Michigan who stopped Lt. Col. Sherwood Baker from entering the school to see his daughter “because your uniform might offend another student.” Well, you can imagine what has happened and Rochester Schools Superintendent Robert Shaner, a veteran himself, has profusely apologized. He said the district “absolutely does not have a policy excluding individuals in uniform” and that school officials would meet with the firm that has been handling security “immediately.”
AN ORCHID for anyone who is “lucky” enough to be taken in by an April Fool’s gag. If people don’t love you, they won’t play with you. Just make sure you laugh the hardest and longest. Then, carefully plot a revenge gag for next year. (I’ve got a pocketful if you need help.)
AN ONION to the news last weekend that Jordan Bonner, a promising football player from Cleveland, Ohio, who has signed with the University of Kentucky, was repeatedly stabbed at a party. Jordan’s family is appealing to the public for help with medical bills and he is expected to recover after being knifed six times in the chest.
AN ORCHID to the new Mercedes-Benz dealership being built in Nashville by Alabama football coach Nick Saban and his business partner, Joe Agresti. They own a Birmingham dealership, too, you know.
AN ONION to the news Phillip Frank Panzica was shot and killed Saturday as he picked up his fiancée when she got off work at a Houston strip club. Panzica, you may recall, was the guy who was caught playing “romper room” with a woman in February when they shared a Ferris wheel ride in Las Vegas. The two figured they could get away with it when the car they were in reached its highest point. Of course, as the ride continued their antics were seen by hundreds. Police put Panzica in the slammer and an earlier fiancée – not his partner on the Ferris wheel -- bailed him out. (I insist nobody can make this stuff up.)
AN ORCHID to the news that after Apple refused to help the government “decode” an iPhone – or whatever it is they do – government experts successfully tinkered with the iPhone until they got exactly what they needed. Now Apple wants them to share how they did it. You sit back and know that’s funny.
AN ONION for April Fool’s Day – Cook a bunch of brownies and hide them in the kitchen where family members can smell them but not see them. Then get some brown paper bags and your scissors. Start cutting out the capital letter “E” … as many as you can … and put them on a clean plate on the kitchen counter. Then proudly announce to everybody watching TV in the den that you’ve just made a batch of “brown Es” and they are in the kitchen. Your family will go nuts as you bellow “April Fool’s!” and share the hidden brownies over the laughter.
royexum@aol.com