Roy Exum: My September Garden

  • Thursday, September 1, 2016
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I am told it takes a mighty oak tree somewhere between 20 and 35 years before it produces acorns, this based on the species of the oak. But as I walk through my September Garden in my monthly custom, I do indeed believe that a mature oak can rain down as many as 90,000 acorns a year. I’ve already got enough for every squirrel between here and the Mississippi River.

My friends at AccuWeather predict our new month will be every bit as hot as August but our bigger problem is that last month we were an inch shy in average rainfall, leaving us with a year-to-date loss of over a foot as the drought continues. Nonetheless, it seems we still have our orchids and onions:

AN ORCHID to the greatest quote from the Olympics of all time: “I am not the next Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps. I am the first Simone Biles.” (What? You didn’t know she was once a foster child?)

AN ONION to minor league baseball player Brandon Thomas who, while playing for the Gateway Grizzlies in the Frontier League, belted a bases-loaded home run a couple of Sundays ago. The crowd jumped to its feet with the mighty swat but when the hard-hit ball returned to earth, it went right through the windshield of the same Brandon Thomas’ truck.

AN ORCHID to Wilson Chandler, the great forward for the Denver Nuggets, who went deep-sea fishing a couple of weeks ago in Florida and happened to catch – and – land a 350-pound grouper. Chandler did not play last season due to hip surgery but his contract calls for him to make $11.2 million this year, which is almost enough to stuff and mount his magnificent catch.

AN ONION to the revelation the main ingredients in Lea & Perrin’s Worcestershire Sauce, which makes both Bloody Marys and ribeye steaks sublime, are anchovies layered in brine, tamarinds in molasses, garlic in vinegar, chilies, cloves, shallots, and sugar. They let all of it ferment for at least 18 months, sift away the solids, and the juice is the newer term of what you call anchovies that have been fermented in vinegar for at least 18 months. (Pronounce it ‘Worces·ter·shire sauce.’)

AN ORCHID to the New York Times for updating a list of 15 things that improve your existence in life:

* - Wear comfortable underwear.

* -- Drink coffee.

* -- Stare into the eyes of someone you love for exactly four minutes.

* -- Don’t ghost (disappear completely from someone.)

* -- Be nice to babies.

* -- Dress is a way that makes you feel powerful.

* -- If you divorce, always play nice.

* -- Toss the cigarettes.

* -- Get a pet.

* -- Take on a seemingly impossible task.

* -- If you would like to keep your marriage, stick it out.

* -- Put sex first.

* -- Make sure you are the boss of your electronic devices.

* -- Relish the phrase: “I am too old for this.”

* -- Be generous to those who have helped you.

AN ONION to the political correctness behind the decision that this fall the Ole Miss band will no longer pay homage to “old times will soon be forgotten.” The song ‘Dixie,’ which has been played at every game since 1948, will be removed from the game-day experience.

AN ORCHID to college football’s wit. You know No. 1 Alabama will play No. 4 Southern Cal in Cowboys Stadium on Saturday and that Alabama’s huge tight end, O.J. Howard, looks to build on the two touchdowns and 208 receiving yards that made him the MVP in the 45-40 national championship game over Clemson in January. A couple of weeks ago at Southern Cal’s football camp the T-shirts, “ROLL TEARS ROLL!” brought laughs from the Trojan players but that was before the Tide players countered with shirts that proclaimed, “AT LEAST OUR O.J. ONLY KILLED CLEMSON.”

AN ONION to this recap of last month’s riots in Milwaukee: “Best quote of the evening on events in Milwaukee: ‘A black criminal pointed a stolen gun at a black policeman, and got shot by that black policeman, who was protecting a black neighborhood.  So the residents of that neighborhood rioted and burned down their own neighborhood, because Black Lives Matter.’”

AN ORCHID to the driver of a trailer truck from Haddon House Foods, who delivers to the Mountain Market on Lookout Mountain. His trailer is 48 feet long and once you include the cab and the sleeper, it is about 60 feet in length (VISUAL: that’s 20 yards on a football field). Unable to safely drive the two main roads up the mountain due to curves in highways built about 75 years ago, his only recourse is to drive to Trenton on I-59 and then go to the top of the mountain via Burkhalter Gap Road. He does it every week with nary a complaint!

AN ONION to those who begin cancer treatments with low expectations: A study in the journal Annals of Oncology just found that those going through hormonal therapy for breast cancer with high hopes have – get this – less than half the side effects of those who think it won’t work.

AN ORCHID to coaching great Lou Holtz’ three teams that could be huge surprises this season – Nebraska, Tennessee and Notre Dame.

AN ONION to the fact an attorney at the trial where three former Ooltewah basketball players were found guilty of raping a teammate told reporters, “Coaches involved in this team, and this school, were either clueless beyond belief, or didn’t give a darn, or implicitly encouraged what happened. That’s why what happened did. These coaches were in a position to know what was going on, to stop it, to prevent it, to deter it and they did not do so. These events had been building not just for a couple weeks, not for just a couple months, but for years. This was almost predictable what happened.”

AN ORCHID to the best sign seen last month: “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know absolutely nothing about. Be kind. Always.”

AN ONION to any child, or adult for that matter, who uses the word “can’t” in a sentence without making the final word in the same sentence “yet.”

AN ORCHID for this glorious observation from Facebook: “The coolest people I've ever met have the most colorful pasts. They've lived lives with risk, made bad choices, learned lessons, explored, and they're not afraid of being real. Tattered tapestries woven of similar threads, they're my kind of people -- my favorite shades of crazy."

AN ONION to the modern-day advice: “Stop using the phrase, ‘How stupid can you be?’ Too many Americans are taking it as a challenge.”

AN ORCHID to the fact that on this very day 70 years ago the high temperature was 46 degrees – thank goodness it’s never been that cold on September 1 -- before or since.

royexum@aol.com

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