Roy Exum: Our Puzzling Women

  • Monday, January 23, 2017
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

After Rhonda Thurman left the “Enlightment” meeting of the Hamilton Country School Board Saturday afternoon, she must have been catching up on the news when she posted this message on her Facebook page: “I am really trying to understand. I am a woman and I cannot think of one "RIGHT" I do not have. Can someone enlighten me?”

Not one person enlightened Rhonda because nobody could name “one right” they had that she did not, or one that Rhonda has other Americans do not. But, as of last night, there were about 500 “likes” of her no-nonsense style and the comments are delightful.

One response read, “I am a gay woman and I do not have the rights that all others have. Working in a man’s line of work, I do not get paid the same. Even when I out work them.” What was troubling is the woman didn’t list the “rights” she believes are missing. It has been my experience that pay scales vary. I’ve seen people exercise the right to quit their jobs because they felt they were underpaid but people are still very confused what marching has to do with anything.

In my search to find out what the women in this world really want, it was pretty well spelled out in an ancient story about Sir Lancelot and King Arthur’s Knights of the Roundtable. A Hollywood movie about King Arthur’s sword is coming out this spring and I remember reading it when I was little.

Nobody knows who wrote King Arthur’s version of “What Women Really Want” but my hunch is the crafty witch was in on it:

* * *

WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals.

So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to… poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered:

“A woman wants to be in charge of her own life.”

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day or beautiful during the night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

So Lancelot pondered the question long and hard, but remembering the wisdom that she herself had given, Noble Sir Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

~ Edited by C. F. “Sandy” Pofahl and original author unknown ~

* * *  

MY TEN FAVORITE SIGNS ON SATURDAY

* -- Melania, Blink Twice If You Need Help

* -- Resistance Is Fertile

* -- I Have A Vagenda

* -- I Wish My Uterus Fired Bullets So The Government Wouldn’t Regulate it

* -- (On a sign done in Needlepoint) I Made This So I Could Stab Something 35,000 Times

* -- We Shall Overcomb

* -- There Will Be Hell Toupee       

* -- Super Callous Fascist Racist Extra Braggadocious

* -- There Is So Much Wrong It Can’t Fit On This Sign

* -- I know signs. I make the best signs. They’re great. Everybody agrees.

*  * *

BEST SIGN LAST WEEK

A business in Whiting, Indiana, just put up a huge sign that reads: WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA, HILLARY CLINTON, NANCY PELOSI, HARRY REID, ALL THE ELITES OF CONGRESS, THE MASS MEDIA, AND ALL OF HOLLYWOOD THAN WITH ONE CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN!!! Before you get all wormy, I need to tell you the business was Owen’s Funeral Home and its owners are right proud of the new Vice President, former Indiana Gov. Mike Pence.

* * *

And there's this from one wag: Trump got more women to exercise in his first 24 hours than Michelle Obama did in eight years.

royexum@aol.com

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