Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, December 23, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
The very worst thing any storyteller can say or write is “this is a true story.” You never do that because your listener or reader assumes that anything else you might say, without such a disclaimer, isn’t true! I have been carefully up front since I began the “The Saturday Funnies” this summer because my weekly offerings are simply funny things that are sent to me by a wide-ranging crowd of Internet buddies each week. Please – I don’t know who wrote these, where they came originally, or if they are true or not.
I just think they are funny.
With that said, I want to start today with a true story. It just appeared in the Jackson, Ms., newspaper, The Clarion-Ledger, and here the account of what it said:
* * *
After watching several videos online about a Grinch who wanted to steal Christmas, concerned citizen TyLon Pittman, 5, did what he was told to do in an emergency situation: call 911. Pittman told a Mississippi dispatcher what he knew about the Grinch, and warned her to be on the lookout. The amused woman wrote about their conversation on Facebook, in a post that happened to be seen by Byram Police Officer Lauren Develle. Develle stopped by the five-year-old Pittman's house on Saturday, and promised she'd catch the Grinch if she saw him. Two days later, Pittman got a call from Develle, who said she found the Grinch, and needed help booking him at the station. To thank Pittman, Byram Police Chief Luke Thompson offered the junior crime fighter a future with the department. "When you turn 21, come back and I'm going to give you a job application, okay?" he said.
* * *
With that, here is this week’s edition of The Saturday Funnies:
* * *
WHICH POWER SHOULD CHANGE COURSE
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.  Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:  Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:  This is the Captain of a United States Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse.  Your call.
* * *
SOMETIMES A LITTLE OF EVERYTHING HELPS
A rural Halstead, Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called.
On the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1   The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2.  The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3.  The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.  After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5.  The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates …  that some problems CAN be fixed by p***ing and moaning. Just thought you'd like to know.
* * *
THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER AT ESTATE PLANNING
My friend Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:
* -- to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
* -- to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
This illustrated why women are so much better at estate planning than men…
* * *
A STUNNING FINDING ABOUT MEN AND THE SPORTS THEY PLAY
Consider the sizes of different balls …
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance-level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
The amazing conclusion?
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
* * *
THREE DELIGHTFUL REASONS WHY WE LOVE THE IRISH
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.’
- - -
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees...'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
- - -
David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen…
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
David said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!”


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