Roy Exum
With songbirds chirping and the grass greening up, this hardly seems like the first day of February. So as I ready for the new month, it’s a pretty good bet the Groundhog should see its shadow during his yearly celebration tomorrow. Believe it or not you can see the first of the spring flowers trying to work their way out of the ground; that’s because in January we had about an inch more rain than is normal. Here are the orchids and onions I find:
AN ORCHID to the fact Donald J. Trump has certainly turned up the heat in Washington. I don’t know if his arrival had anything to do with it but there were more days where the temperature didn’t fall below 32 degrees in the month of January than ever before.
AN ONION to every female who displayed vulgar signs during the recent Women’s Marches. There was one girl, maybe 9-or10 years old on the Internet, who was pictured holding up a sign with the most outrageous and most demeaning terms for females in the English language. And, for goodness sake, editors, your photographers take far better pictures than those you publish for shock effect.
AN ORCHID to the prominent pastor in Tallahassee, Florida who successfully raced out of a house that he was visiting bare naked. Seems the woman’s husband came home with a gun. The pastor had to hide behind a fence, trying to shield his nakedness like Adam in the “Garden of Eden,” until police arrived and persuaded the husband to give them the pastor’s shoes, pants, and other belongings. Since this most unfortunate event occurred, it is commendable the pastor said the second thing Adam did after taking a bite of the forbidden fruit: “You cannot defend a lie.” And talk about irony, on the day the preacher raced out in his shameful all-together, a book signing was scheduled for his latest religious book “on Godly-manhood and mentoring.” The name of the book – and so help me this is the truth – “I Need A Man.” (Go ahead … I’ve already looked on Amazon and the paperback is going for $12.95.)
AN ONION to the British Medical Association after it released guidelines to England’s doctors to “celebrate diversity.” Instead of “expectant mother” please use “pregnant person.” Instead “elderly” use “older people.” Instead of “handicapped parking” use “accessible parking” and so forth. After all, 20-year-old Hayden Cross is now “expectant” due to an unnamed donor and, since hormone therapy is being given and will cause changes, it is believed Hayden will become the first “assigned male” to ever have a baby.
AN ORCHID to the magnificent medical team in India that was able to diagnose why a normally-healthy 34-year-old man was so lethargic. Within minutes they had pulled a tapeworm from the man’s mouth that set a national record – six feet long. Is that a parasite or what!
AN ONION to the state of Tennessee for recognizing our Moccasin Bend Mental Hospital desperately needs $2.6 million in repairs yet fails to recognize there is absolutely no way the 150-bed facility can properly serve 52 Tennessee counties. Each of those counties could fill every bed every day.
AN ORCHID to UTC Athletics for recognizing that Moc football star Derrick Craine, Bryan Patten, Johnny Bonner and the Obear’s – Dr. Fred and his dazzling Ruth – are extra special. They will receive long-overdue recognition on Feb. 24 when the school’s Hall of Fame ushers in football’s John Tyszkiewicz (1965-28) and Kenyon Earl (1991-94), basketball’s Julie Copeland Christian (1988-91), Tennis player Julie Dunn Helm (1977-80) and wrestling’s Chris Thornbury (1986-89).
AN ONION to the State Department of Education for the news that some faceless people in Nashville will soon give every school in Hamilton County – as well as the rest of the state – a grade. What does that accomplish and – with Tennessee ranking 37th in what teachers are paid – we should notify the state school board we will happily rate the state office “and we are already taking names.” Did you see where the iZone schools that were haughtily taken over by the state in Memphis and Nashville are still failing?
AN ORCHID to the prolific life of Mohammed Bello Abubakar, a Muslim cleric in Nigeria who was married to up to 130 women when he died last Saturday at age 93. He leaves behind “many widows,” some who, according to a BBC report, “are thought to be with child.” No, it wasn’t always easy. It is said he had 10 divorces in his lifetime but over 200 of his children are doing just fine.
AN ONION to James Robinson, a hot shot wide receiver from Lakeland, Fla., who had scholarship offers from Ohio State, Florida and Oklahoma “just waiting” until he was caught with marijuana at Ohio State two weeks ago. All the schools immediately pulled their offers. In Ohio possession is a misdemeanor so he paid his $150 fine and his name isn’t even on the police blotter. He ain’t quite as big a star as he envisioned himself to be on New Year’s Day.
AN ORCHID to the poor guy at Clyde’s on Main Street who told me, “She called to tell me to come over, that no one was at home. When I got there she was right … there was absolutely no one at home. Nobody. Now what?”
AN ONION to the fact that not one news media outlet mentioned that the recent Executive Order on Immigration does not have the word “Muslim” anywhere in it.
AN ORCHID to the former UVa basketball player Akil Mitchell, who plays pro basketball in New Zealand, and who can see just fine. Several nights ago the action was tight in the paint and, when Akil was fighting for a rebound, he caught an elbow near his eye … and the eye completely popped out! Unbelievably, the eyeball went back into its socket during a mad dash in the ambulance. That said, Akil steadfastly refuses to watch the video of the gruesome play that caused several of his teammates to be nauseated.
royexum@aol.com