Roy Exum: Squash, Peas & Lettuce

Saturday, March 18, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As the bright sun, clear sky and 60-degree sun melted every bad thought of the snow and chill earlier in the week yesterday, the brave among us were thinking about planting our gardens, As I was collecting some Internet giggles for another edition of my occasional “Saturday Funnies,” a delicious plan for this year’s garden that came across to remind us that our lives are a garden, and that – yes, indeed – what we plant we will harvest.

I have always been taught that the “safe” time to garden in Tennessee is between April 15 and October 15 but with our mild winter and early spring, most of us already have the urge. The jonquils came through Tuesday’s freezing temperatures just fine, which made these suggestions to go ahead and plant squash, peas, lettuce and turnips right away make perfectly good sense.

Whoever wrote this is wise and advises us to “water with patience and cultivate with love because the more fruit you can grow, the more you’ll reap when you sow.” Here we go:

PLANT four rows of squash.

1. Squash gossip

2. Squash criticism

3. Squash indifference

4. Squash prejudice.

PLANT seven rows of peas.

1. Prayer

2. Promptness

3. Perseverance

4. Politeness

5. Preparedness

6. Purity

7. Patience

PLANT eight rows of lettuce.

1. Let us be unselfish and loyal

2. Let us be faithful to duty

3. Let us search the scriptures

4. Let us not be weary in well-doing

5. Let us be obedient in all things

6. Let us be truthful

7. Let us love one another

8. Let us not complain.

NO GARDEN is complete without turnips. Plant four rows.

1. Turn up for Church

2. Turn up for meetings; in prayer and Bible study

3. Turn up with a smile, even when things are difficult

4. Turn up with determination to do your best rain or shine

Boy, I just love this …

* * *

THERE IS A LOGICAL EXPLANATION …

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in downtown Vancouver B.C. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth, but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.

Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table." 

The man calmly looked up at her and said: “No, she didn't … she just walked in the door." (C’mon, you gotta’ know that’s funny!)

* * *

TRUE STUFF YOU DIDN’T NOW UNTIL NOW

* -- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. 

* -- Coca-Cola was originally green. 

* -- It is impossible to lick your elbow. 

* -- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska 

* -- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% 

* -- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% 

* -- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400

* -- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 

* -- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

* -- The first novel ever written on a typewriter? Tom Sawyer.

* -- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. 

* -- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts – Charlemagne; Clubs - Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

* -- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 

* -- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. 

* -- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. 

* -- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace 

* -- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession. 

* -- Q.  If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A.  One thousand 

* -- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women. 

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey 

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day 

Q. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.  Hence, the phrase...'Goodnight, sleep tight.' 

* -- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and, because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. 

* -- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' . . . It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's' 

* -- Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice. 

* -- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! 

* * *

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2017 WHEN …

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 

4. You text or e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries... 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and actually you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 

13. Even worse, you know exactly with whom you are going to share this list. 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND FINALLY

NOW you're LAUGHING at yourself! "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused!" Stop trying to lick your elbow.

royexum@aol.com


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