Roy Exum
The splendor of spring is nearing full throttle in my garden as a new month dawns. Even “an April Fool” can see the redbuds are in full flush, the dogwood blossoms are coming fast and the tulips – red and yellow and purple – are just days away from singing their song. To add to the delight, the Crayola crayon folks have announced they are kicking out one of the colors in their most popular box of 24. Wouldn’t you know the dark yellow crayon – called dandelion, the scourge of every garden – will be replaced with a new hue of blue.
There will be a contest to name the new crayon soon but, as we wait, here are some of the orchids and onions I find as I am ever-wary of the April Fools and their tricks:
AN ORCHID to the tribute Tommy Sparks (Chattanooga Sports Hall of Fame in baseball) paid to our former classmate Jim Glasser (CHSHOF in wrestling) on Facebook after Jim was buried last Saturday: “Last Saturday I, along with many, many others attended the celebration of life of one of the finest gentlemen I have ever known. He was and still is the best friend I have ever had. Jim Glasser had a huge impact on my life as he did on the lives of all who were fortunate enough to know him. Although his skills as an athlete and coach are remarkable, Jim never talked about himself. He was quick to build others up - to make them feel special. He called my mother every Mothers' Day and Christmas just to check on her. We had many great times together through the years that I will never forget. There is a hole in my life that cannot be filled, although the memories will continue to make me smile. Jim, I love you and want you to know that you will be truly missed but never forgotten.”
AN ONION to the apparent disarray of the Chattanooga Convention and Visitors Bureau. Referred to as a “good ole boys club,” and spending money like sailors on shore leave, a growing number of insiders believe there will be a major house-cleaning with far more oversight in the months ahead.
AN ORCHID to the beloved coach, Jim Worthington. Not so much in condolences that his glorious Sally has been freed of Alzheimer’s and now stands with her Savior, but because everybody at the standing-room-only funeral is still marveling over the way the couple’s three sons – Jimmy, Bobby, and Billy – eulogized their mother. You talk about three living examples of raising boys into men!
AN ONION to the worst week of devastating shooting tragedies I can remember in Chattanooga, and the fact our black community will not cooperate with police officials. The police have done nothing except to try desperately to quell the black-on-black crime but in the way the neighborhoods respond, they are hampered in bringing the shooters to justice.
AN ORCHID to a fully-loaded cheeseburger at Main Street Market and potatoes fried in tallow. As a cheeseburger connoisseur, let me announce “there is a new leader in the clubhouse.” And wait until your lips get the pastrami sandwich as well. (Note to my Jewish friends – pastrami is made from beef.)
AN ONION to the national news outlets who went into a feeding frenzy over the Trumps sleeping in the same bed or not. Not only is that a decision between a man and wife, it is absolutely no one else’s business. To glorify such “fake news” is embarrassing. And when you read polls that Trump’s popularity is in the tank, consider the source. People I enjoy are thrilled the president is “doing something.”
AN ORCHID to County Commissioner Tim Boyd for coming up with the make-sense suggestions for our problem-wracked school system. Jill Levine, now the First Lady of the HCDE, shares my concern there is “too much negative news” but unless the parents and public know how truly bad things have gotten since we have done nothing for the past 12 years, how can we right the ship? And it is going to take many more like Tim Boyd to help.
AN ONION to anyone in Hamilton County who doesn’t realize a new $100 million jail and a properly renovated public school system are going to necessitate a tax increase. County Mayor Jim Coppinger said at Wednesday’s commission meeting schools are his top priority “but there are other things we must do in other departments.” The fact is there is no money to do anything, and by regulations and state standards Sheriff Jim Hammond is now down 40 jailers. Just watch, a federal judge is inches away from demanding the county do something.
AN ORCHID for the fact Clemson, the reigning college football champion, is unashamedly recruiting Paul Tyson at Hewlett-Trussville High School in Alabama. The 6-foot-four upcoming junior has some good credentials but his gene pool is pretty good too. He’s the namesake of his great grandfather, the one they called “Bear” at Alabama. Coach Bryant’s daughter Mae Tyson had one son, Marc, who is Paul’s father. (NOTE: Clemson’s Dabo Sweeney played football for Coach Bryant.)
AN ONION for the billboard in south Texas that reads: “How dare the National Football League build massive walls around stadiums across the country to keep out fans who haven’t bought a ticket to the game.”
AN ORCHID for the swirling rumors a deal has been reached to merge the Lookout Mountain Golf Club and the historical Fairyland Club into one make-sense entity. Friends on both sides vow the result will better benefit Lookout Mountain residents and those who visit both landmarks.
AN ONION for the news the downtown Buehler’s grocery store will soon close so it can morph into another condominium complex. When I was in the eighth grade I bought a bloody ox tail in the store one day to lure a stray dog home with me. Ole Luke was a mighty hound for over 10 years and once when dad crept into my room to check on me around 4 o’clock one morning, Luke bit him. (Dad said the dog did exactly the right thing. My sentiments exactly.)
AN ORCHID for out-loud laughter at your desk: A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector telephoned his client. He said, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, “I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.” The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million-$20 million. I think she could be right.” Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?” The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
AN ONION to the NFL’s Anquan Boldin, a free agent, Malcolm Jenkins of the Philadelphia Eagles, Johnson Bademosi of the Detroit Lions, and retired NFL wide receiver Donte Stallworth who addressed members of Congress this week about the tension that exists between black communities and police. They were sponsored by Rep. Elijah E. Cummings (D-MD); Rep. John Conyers Jr., (D-MI); Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) and Rep. Cedric Richmond (D-LA)—who chairs the Congressional Black Caucus. It was a blatant study in hypocrisy. For the first three months of 2017, there have been 733 shootings inside Chicago’s city limits, 133 fatally. During the same time frame, the Chicago police have shot 7 people, 4 fatally. (Of the 133 fatalities in the first 3 months of this year, 99 were black, 20 were Hispanic, 5 were white and 3 were ‘other.’)
royexum@aol.com