Roy Exum
Do you realize that despite the roar and rage of last night’s storm, we are four inches above normal in rainfall for the year? My garden is green and what’s more there are no drought conditions presently anywhere in all of the United States. Yes, April showers bring May flowers so I don’t know when my garden has been as blessed as I search out the orchids and onions of a brand-new month. And if you’ve got kids in the house, led the cheer ring out: “Hurray, hurray for the First of May, skinny-dipping begins today!”
AN ORCHID to the wisdom of Warren Buffett who shares the warning, “Honesty is a very expensive gift.
Don't expect it from cheap people.”
AN ONION to the fact we can’t possibly know why McCallie student Jackson Standefer’s life had to end so early after he was killed during a vacation with his family, yet find solace in the fact the baseball star did not die alone. The search continues for his grandmother, LouAnn Merrill, who was also swept away by fast-moving water.
AN ORCHID to the way Ruth Holmberg and Cliff Betts so grandly enriched the lives of us each and every one when they never had to do it. William Pettway used his God-given glory to lighten the steps to just as many.
AN ONION to the fact that, while all Hamilton County sheriff’s vehicles proclaim “In God We Trust” and display an American flag, those of the Chattanooga Police Department do not – this despite the fact both have been provided at no charge.
AN ORCHID to Boyd-Buchanan’s Bray Wilson for twirling a no-hitter last week but that’s not his greatest stat – that would be “all A’s” as he accepts his diploma.
AN ONION to the news that City Councilwoman Demetrus Coonrod still has outstanding fines in Hamilton County’s Criminal Court. Yes, her fight for “a second chance” makes all of us glow but she must earn the public’s support by making things right and setting an example that any of us can overcome our past.
AN ORCHID to Rex Tillerson, the business genius who, although he has left Exxon Houston to head the State Department, his “old company” just turned record first-quarter profits with what he left in place. No matter what the liberals claim, Tillerson says our State Department spending “is simply unsustainable” and plans to lope some 28 percent of unnecessary costs.
AN ONION to the memory that it has now been 25 years since Bill Clinton claimed he “did not inhale” when he smoked marijuana. That is called "a quarter-century of disbelief.”
AN ORCHID to the group of Republicans on the Yale campus who, shaking their heads over the snowflakes who were staging a hunger strike on campus, promptly set up a barbecue picnic nearby and even brought an industrialized fan to help hurry the odors of the luscious foods. Said one, “The irony isn’t lost on me that a bunch of guys wearing Trump shirts were having a party just 50 feet from the administration that is waiting on Trump to bail them out.”
AN ONION for the five last finishers in a new poll of the 200 worst occupations in America: 196 -- Pest Control worker, 197 -- Enlisted military personnel, 198 – Timber logger, 199 – Broadcaster, and 200 – Newspaper reporter.
AN ORCHID for the state of Connecticut that just approved to eliminate standardized test scores from the way teachers performance is charted. This is the goofiest rule in education today because not one … er, teacher … can tell us how it works.
AN ONION to each Commissioner in Hamilton County who allows public schools to charge “fees” of any kind. When approximately one-fourth of the Orchard Knob Middle School was prohibited from attending the student-faculty basketball game because these kids couldn’t come up with the $3 for a ticket, I defy anyone to tell me one thing positive those children learned. I have about 100 examples of something negative these children learned.
AN ORCHID for the knowledge that the word 'Mayday' is internationally recognized as an SOS distress signal. The word derived from the French 'M'aidez' meaning 'help me'. The international rule? The call is always given three times in a row ("mayday-mayday-mayday") to prevent mistaking it for some similar-sounding phrase under noisy conditions.
AN ONION for the grim fact that when Swiss climber Ueli Steck was killed Sunday in a mountaineering accident near Mount Everest, his body fell an estimated 4.1 miles before hitting the ground after it travelled theoretically 32 feet per second.
AN ORCHID to the fact a large time was had by “many thousands” over the weekend at the 33rd annual Interstate Mullet Toss at the Flora-Bama Lounge and Package in Perdido Key, Fla. As usual, first-timers got to guess which side of the famed bar is in Florida and which side is in Alabama but it makes no difference. “Down here, dude, everybody’s right!”
FINALLY, NO MAYDAY-MAYDAY-MAYDAY!
AN ONION of a warning to all high school seniors: Every May “the sap rises” in certain 17 and 18-year-olds and it can even be fatal. Please head these words. The heavy lifting is over, you are days from graduating so zealously guard yourself against the “sap” that makes you do anything stupid. Your folks have invested a lifetime to see you walk across that stage. No can of beer, no marijuana blunt, is worth wrecking what has taken years to build. Be cool for less than a month … Riverbend will be here before you know it. Do not speed in a car. Never say, “Hey, watch this!” Now ain’t the time to screw up!
P.S. I am proud of every last one of you.
royexum@aol.com