Roy Exum: The Suicide Letter

  • Friday, May 26, 2017
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Two weeks ago there were five suicides and a fatal drug overdose in the same Chattanooga community. That absolutely tears me up inside because I am assured almost every day there is a better answer. I make no secret I struggle with depression and it is real. I want others to see if I can get through the valleys to climb the mountain, they can too.

I take medicine every day that really helps. I also take a few minutes each day to reinforce my belief, “In the end everything is going to turn out OK … and if I have struggles it means this isn’t the end.” One of my regular readings is a website, “I am Second.” Actually it is a movement in America that works to help me and fellow strugglers.

Right now the Facebook page has 765,298 followers and that grows every hour. Here is how ‘I Am Second’ describes what they do:

* * *

“I am Second is a movement meant to inspire people of all kinds to live for God and for others. Actors. Athletes. Musicians. Business leaders. Drug addicts. Your next-door neighbor. People like you. The authentic stories on iamsecond.com provide insight into dealing with typical struggles of everyday living. These are stories that give hope to the lonely and the hurting, help from destructive lifestyles, and inspiration to the unfulfilled. You’ll discover people who’ve tried to go it alone and have failed. Find the hope, peace, and fulfillment they found. Be Second.”

* * *

People hurt from abuse, cancer anger, failing marriages, grief, pride, loneliness, sex addiction and many other things they keep hidden. ‘I am Second’ assures them they are not alone and the website is loaded with people who have overcome some tough stuff.

In the May issue of the ‘I Am Second’ newsletter, there appeared a unique suicide letter that, quite literally, dropped me to my knees. It was written by the very best friend of one who took their life. Allow me to share my space today with “Doug.”

* * *

A FRIEND GIVES 13 REASONS TO NOT DO IT

Dear Daniel,

I was the last person you ever called and I missed it. I’m still not sure how it happened. But you took your life before I could call you back. I remember calling the next day. Your mom answered and said they couldn’t find you. I try not to hit myself every day since. I don’t know how heaven works, if you are able to hear me or not. But if you can this is what I would have told you, this is why NOT to end your life. And if you can’t hear me, then I hope someone who can will know though you seem alone, there is someone who cares.

1. You are loved.

I used to cry myself to sleep. I’d beg God for one good friend. Picked on at school, bullied, lonely, hurt. I needed someone. You chose to be that someone. I don’t think I ever told you the dark spot I was in when we met. But you brought me out of it. Maybe you feel unworthy or undeserving of love in this moment. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to wonder if anybody at all loves you. Let me be real clear on this: I love you.

2. You are forgiven.

Maybe it’s guilt that’s brought you here. We all need forgiveness. You have no monopoly on that. If you need it from me, you can have it. I’ve never denied you that. If you need it from God, just ask. He’s forgiven far worse.

3. You are not alone

Maybe you feel alone. Maybe you feel the battles you face make you alone in this world. You are wrong. You are neither alone, nor unloved. I am here. Others are here. Even if you don’t feel our love, we love.

4. The world is NOT better without you

You never said why you chose this path. I wonder if perhaps you thought we’d be better without you. We are not. You had struggles and they hurt me. That is true. But your friendship has always and will always be worth it. I’d rather have you with all your mess than spend my life unable to say thank you for the kindness you gave me in my time of need. Let me be there for you as you were for me.

5. It gets better

I know you are in pain. I won’t even pretend to understand your pain. I have had my own version of pain in life. I lost my daughter several years ago. She was born never taking a breath. We named her Hope, because in our worst pain all we had was hope. Hope that somehow it would get better. Hope that there is one who will fix the brokenness. Hope is what we have when all else is lost.

6. We won’t get over it

Maybe you’re thinking that we’ll hurt for a while and then get over it, get over you. We won’t. For six months, my life went into a tailspin. Your family for years longer than that. I still carry your obituary with me, tucked into my Bible at a passage that reads “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me.” It’s been over a decade and the pain has softened but has yet to leave. I fear it never will.

7. You have a purpose

Maybe you feel you’ve wasted your life. Failed your purpose. The purpose of life is simple. Love God and love the people around you. You can’t love us, if you don’t stay with us. You’ll do it imperfectly, as we all do, but anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. As long as you are here, trying to love those around you, you are doing the one and only thing you’re meant to do, even if you do it poorly. And trust me, you’ve loved us better than you think.

8. There is help

There is help. Ask for it. Don’t stop calling. If I don’t answer, call someone else. There are people in your life who love you.

9. There is hope

I don’t know why God allows things to happen the way he does. Trust me. I’ve told him on many occasions how terrible his plan seems to be sometimes. I don’t know why there is so much brokenness and pain in the world. But I do know this much about God. He’s going to fix it. Hope is this thing in the future, this faith in some better time and place. We see it in glimmers now. And it’s those glimmers that allow us to believe that its coming. Hold on to that hope.

10. This is NOT what I want

Do not be confused here. I do not want this. I want you to live. I’d rather have the on and off, back and forth, pain in the *** troubles that come with having a friend with your struggles, than have a life without you. I choose you with all your mess as you chose me with mine.

11. Your struggle inspires

Every struggle gives birth to loneliness. In battle you face the enemy and so you lose sight of those who fight beside you. Knowing you still fight inspires me. While I never realized the intensity of your fight, I’ve been inspired watching you fight it. Give me the honor of fighting it with you. Just reach out. Let someone know.

12. I need you

In case you are confused that you’ve become a burden to those around you, be assured, that’s a lie. You chose me as a friend, when I needed one most. I had moved from out of state, was bullied by my peers, and desperately lonely. I always admired your kindness, talent, and brilliance and considered you my best, and at times, only friend. I know our life decisions began to diverge towards the end. But through it all we were friends. And I still need your friendship.

13. You can’t undo this

I thought you’d be my best man and I yours. Instead, I was your pallbearer. Every other mistake can be undone, the consequences dealt with. But this is final. I can go with you anywhere, but not there. Stay with me, friend. Give me the opportunity to be with you in your darkest moments as you were in mine. Don’t go where I can’t follow.

Your best friend,

Doug

* * *

“Doug” is actually the very-talented writer, Doug Bender, a graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary and author of the best-selling book, “I Am Second.”

One last note: There is a very alive, actual person at ‘I Am Second’ who will listen to you every second during 24 hours every day at ‘I Am Second,’ by calling 1-800-633-3446

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. It is free, confidential, and these are the world’s experts in the belief everybody is different with their own set of circumstances. They are there because they care.

royexum@aol.com

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