One of life’s greatest delights is when you reach the stage in in the waltz when you realize that old movies, books written years ago, and the music our parents loved when they were young are equally glorious – if not even better – to what we find today. The same is true about laughter and it tickles me when I see jokes that are “modernized” like the one at the end of this column -- I first read when it starred Richard Nixon.
This week a story reappeared on the Internet about a TV quiz show we were watching fifty years ago called “Hollywood Squares.” But what startles me is that its last run was in 1981 – anybody born in the last 35 years has probably never heard of it – yet it had so many zingers you would laugh all week between the shows.
The show featured 3-by-3 vertical squares, just like a tic-tac-toe matrix, and one of the great comedians of the day would sit behind a desk in each one. Two contestants would then play tic-tac-toe, scoring points based on the comedian’s answers the contestants would chose.
There were hysterical answers because they came from the some of the funniest people to ever roam the earth. I’m talking Jonathan Winters, Wally Cox, Buddy Hackett, Marty Allen, Barbara Eden, George Gobel, Vincent Price, Foster Brooks, Joan Rivers and on and on. Peter Marshall was the “set up man” (host).
But the key guy, who always sat in the center square because that’s where the most action comes from in tic-tac-toe, was a guy named Paul Lynde. He was an in-the-closet gay but he made sure that closet had a glass door and millions loved his snarky humor and how he laughed at himself.
Understand, each of these classic one-liners are over 35 years old and if you ain’t laughing just as hard as we did back in the day please seek medical attention:
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Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. PAUL LYNDE: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. GEORGE GOBEL: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. ROSE MARIE: No … wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. CHARLEY WEAVER: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. VINCENT PRICE: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help?' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. GEORGE GOBEL: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. ROSE MARIE: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. PAUL LYNDE: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. CHARLEY WEAVER: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. ROSE MARIE: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. PAUL LYNDE: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. ROSE MARIE: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. MARTY ALLEN: Only after lights out
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. PAUL LYNDE: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. PAUL LYNDE: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. CHARLEY WEAVER: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. PAUL LYNDE: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. GEORGE GOBEL: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. PAUL LYNDE: Point and laugh
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THE LATE-NIGHT EMERGENCY CALL
Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!” she exclaimed.
After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled Trump.
“A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary.
Trump paused to think and then replied, “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary.”
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