Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Friday, July 21, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Every week I get emails full of inspiration and funny stories. This summer I have gathered a sampling of my weekly harvest and presented the collection as a reminder we ought to cherish laughter with those we love and the weekend. I am not only amazed how popular my ‘Summer Saturdays’ have become but this week I have gotten funnies from California, Texas and Arizona, to mention a few. Keep ‘em and remember it is just six weeks until college football’s first weekend.

* * *

QUOTES TO MAKE YOU DETERMINED TO LEARN FROM DICTIONARY.COM

"Passion is one great force that unleashes creativity, because if you're passionate about something then you're more willing to take risks." -- Yo-Yo Ma

"Everything can be revised, erased, or rearranged later. The courage of creation is making bad beginnings."  -- Kevin Ashton

"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go." – Dr. Seuss

"Don't become too narrow. Live fully. Meet all kinds of people. You'll learn something from everyone. Follow what you feel in your heart." -- Yuri Kochiyama

"If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you." -- Zig Ziglar

"First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak." – Epictetus

"Life isn't perfect, any failures you have are actually learning moments. They teach us how to grow and evolve." – Phillipa Soo

"I fear the boredom that comes with not learning and not taking chances." -- Robert Fulghum

“Lack of will power leads to more failure than lack of intelligence or ability." -- Anchee Min

 “The greatest gift is not being afraid to question." -- Ruby Dee

* * *

THE VERY BEST PISTOL FOR A FEMALE TO CARRY

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What’s the smallest caliber you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire. Here’s her story in her own words.

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

"If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"

"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace."

"It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus, too."

* * *

THIS ONE IS SO BAD IT IS GOOD

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000. The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single “Susan Anthony” dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the clever headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this....)

‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco"

* * *

SOME FUNNY PEOPLE FROM IRELAND

 An Irishman's first drink with his son...

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whiskey.  He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so stoned I could hardly push his stroller back home!

- - -

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

- - -

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins."  shouted one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "P*** off, ya (expletive) little (expletive), before I come over there and rip your (expletive) off."

She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

- - -

Irish Fun

Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're playing Romper Room with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupids, because I wasn't even home yesterday."

- - -

Paddy & Mick find three grenades …

 so they decide to take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."                

- - -

Mick and his sick goldfish

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.

The Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

- - -

An answer I can understand...

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

- - -

Quinn Thinks Murphy Is Lucky

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

- - -

The baby is on its way!

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.

"Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?"  the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin."

- - -

My Mother wanted me to be a priest.

Can you imagine giving up your sex life, then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

* * *

URGENT GLOBAL WARNING FROM NORWAY

This from a verified newspaper account: The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from Consulate at Bergen Norway.

Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone.

Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.

Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the Gulf Stream still very warm.

Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.

Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.

Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coast cities uninhabitable.

DISCLAIMER: I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post. That was 93 years ago.

This must have been caused by the Model T Ford's emissions.

royexum@aol.com



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