Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, July 29, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

On this, the last Saturday in July, please take this collection of chuckles with you into August. This summer I have had great fun picking out funny stories from what readers share with me during the week. My great pal and dear friend Brown sends this important message to fortify our desire to excel:

Some of the world's most successful people experienced major failures:

1. Michael Jordan was cut off his high school team because of the lack of ability.

2. Shaquille O'Neal was cut off his high school team and was told that he was too slow, too clumsy, and had feet that were too big.

3. Oprah Winfrey was fired from her first TV job as an anchor and was advised to seek another career.

4. Walt Disney was told by his newspaper editor, that he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.

5. Stephen Spielberg was rejected at USC and UCLA film schools multiple times.

6. Albert Einstein was thought to be mentally handicapped and his parents were advised to remove him from school.

HOW WE DEAL WITH FAILURE AND ADVERSITY WILL SHAPE OUR LIVES MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. NEVER GIVE UP REGARDLESS OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES !

Famous author J.K. Rowling, one of the richest women in the world, reflects on her early failures with great candor, "I failed on an epic scale. I had an exceptionally short-lived marriage, I was jobless, alone, and as poor as it is possible without being homeless. I was the biggest failure I knew. You will never truly know yourself until you have been tested by adversity."

Being a success has little to do with the judgment of a so-called expert, so the next time that an expert attacks your dream, take comfort in realizing that people who achieved some of the greatest accomplishment in the world, were also told that their goals were not possible. Keep away from those that belittle your dreams.

Now let’s get funny ….

* * *

FATHER NORTON PICKS GOLF OVER CHURCH

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So...he told the junior priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. 

As soon as the Associate  Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town  to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he  wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.  Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the  heavens and exclaimed, "you're not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.” 

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE !

St. Peter was astonished.  He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and said softly, "Who's he going to tell?"

May the peace be with you.

* * *

BELIEVE THIS, FATE CAN BE KIND

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.   Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.  "Let me buy your dinner to make it  up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They had a wonderful time.  He stays for breakfast.  The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.

Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . ."You just happened to catch my eye."

* * *

THE DIFFERENCE IN ‘COMPLETE’ AND ‘FINISHED’

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words, complete and finished. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? (Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.)

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year old Scotch.

* * *

IF YOU AFFIRM THAT AT LEAST TEN OF THESE ARE TRUE, YOU ARE OLD

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing is worse than that precise moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on #5.  I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make for good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray?  I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers … I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in in hockey in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is important, too.

* * *

THIS IS AN ACTUAL PHONE CALL FROM … A BANK

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and (a national bank) billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to (a national bank) 

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died back in January.”

Bank Rep: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member: “Maybe you should turn it over to collections.”

Bank Rep: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

Family Member: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

Bank Rep: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”

Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”

Bank Rep: “Excuse me?”

Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?”

Bank Rep: “Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.”

… Supervisor gets on the phone …

Family Member: “I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.”

Supervisor: “The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

Supervisor: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”

Family Member: “No, I'm her great nephew.” (Lawyer info was given)

Supervisor: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Family Member: “Sure.” (Fax number was given)

… After they get the fax …

Supervisor: “Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.”

Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.”

Supervisor: “Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.”

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?'”

Supervisor: “That might help... “

Family Member: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”

Supervisor: “Sir, that's a cemetery!”

Family Member: “And what do you do with dead people on your planet???”

Priceless.

* * *

TWO KIDS WHO ARE FACING SURGERY

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.”

royexum@aol.com



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