Cranfield Rowell: Don't Let Snow Put You In Panic Mode; Just Build A Snowman

Friday, January 19, 2018 - by Cranfield Rowell

There are very few moments in my life where I feel it is appropriate and necessary for me to look up the assumed weather conditions for a particular day in the future. Most of the time the weather does not bother me. I do not let it deter my plans. The relationship between myself and the weather app on my phone is similar to the relationship Donald Trump has with a teleprompter. I know it can help deter me from possible unfortunate circumstances and situations but… so?

Most of my weather news comes from hearsay because, for some reason, people like to tell me the weather forecast when I mention possible plans I might have for the next day or two. I usually have no interest in forecasts, unless, a particular word is used. For Northerners, the word is not a big deal. It just means a minor inconvenience is around the corner. For Southerners, the word signifies that God has caught wind of something someone did and punishment is coming. You better go find a healthy lamb because the Southern Passover is on its way. What word is this you may ask? That word is snow.

Saying the word ‘snow’ around people in a public area is dangerous. You might be safer yelling the word ‘bomb’ on a plane. It creates panic.

I get excited when I hear about the possibility of snow. Snow has never been an issue with me. It has never been a problem. I am not sure why people act like it is such a big deal.

Snow is fascinating. It makes the world around you more beautiful, particularly nature; however, it brings out the buried fears and unhinged emotions of Southerners. That friendly soccer mom who brings the kids cookies turns into Gollum in the bread aisle of your local grocery store.

I once made the mistake of stopping by a Walmart to pick up some Lysol Wipes on the day before it was to snow. It was so crowded. The lines were full of sad or angry people. I had stepped into the DMV.

People storm every store and gas station. They need the essentials: bread, water, milk, candles, flashlights, crackers, strong sedatives.

Why do Southerners go hysterical over snow? The South rarely gets more than an inch or two of snow each season. When the snow does stick it doesn’t survive more than a day or two.

Since I rarely check my mail I assume I missed some citywide memo that was sent to every citizen. This memo most likely laid out the protocols and parameters in the event the sky covered the city in white, beautiful despair. Once again, I am left to assume. I imagine it was very direct. “You can expect to be stranded in your home for two complete days for every inch of snow we receive. If more than two inches of snow is forecast prepare to draw lots of which family member to kill and eat. (This relative must be killed humanely; senior family members are encouraged to self-sacrifice.)”

However, I do believe this is entirely what happened. If a person had received a letter like that from the government then I’d expect Donner Party behavior.

My fellow Southerners, it is just snow and ice. It is just frozen water. We live in an area where the Sun loves to gloat how bright and awesome it is. Calm down. If you believe that an inch of snow can cause a gladiator arena to form in your home or neighborhood then the problem is not the snow. The problem is with you, a problem that can be fixed with the construction of a snowman or with someone throwing a snowball at your face. Smile. It’s snowing, you weirdo.


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