Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, January 27, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

In this week’s edition of ‘The Saturday Funnies’ we are going to start with an amazing thing your mind can do. The following paragraph is so full of misspelled words it will turn you away. But if you just try to read it … and you can … you’ll find that the human mind is stronger than any computer ever built:

“I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mind! Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?”

Every week I gather the funny stuff that people share in my email and this week it appears I just heard from a lot of Senior Citizens. As I offer the disclaimer that I wrote none of these … but am merely the messenger …

* * *

THE MAGIC BANK ACCOUNT

This author of this is unknown but it is widely believed a copy of these words was discovered in Alabama coach Paul ‘Bear’ Bryant’s wallet after he died in 1982:

- - -

Imagine that you had won the following Grand Prize in a contest:   Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 In your private account for your use. However, this prize has rules:

1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.

2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.

3. You may only spend it.

4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day.

5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time, it can say, “Game Over!" It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

Now, what would you personally do? You would buy anything and everything you wanted right?  Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for.  Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?

You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right?

Actually, this game is real. Each of us is already a winner of this prize. We just can't seem to see it.

The prize is “time.”

1. Each morning we awaken to Receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of Life.

2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is not credited to us.

3. What we haven't used up that day is forever lost.

4. Yesterday is forever gone.

5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time without warning (within a twinkle of any eye.)

SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars. Think about it and remember to enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.

So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!

Never, ever, complain about growing old – some who you have loved never got the chance.

Start spending from your Magic Bank Account right now.

* * *

LET'S SEE IF I'VE GOT THIS RIGHT …

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you’ll get 12 years hard labor.

IN YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you will be detained indefinitely.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you will be shot and killed the same day.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you will be jailed for a long time.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY, the chances are overwhelming you will never be heard from again.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you will immediately be assumed to be a spy … and die.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you will be thrown in a political jail and be left to rot.

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY, you’ll get a job, a driver’s license, a Social Security Card, welfare, food stamps, subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house (your pick), free education, free medical care, a Lobbyist in Washington, billions of documents printed in your own language, the right to carry your country’s flag while protesting the American because you don’t get enough respect.  And in many cases, you’ll get to vote. Is this a great country or what?

* * *

NINE POINTS OLDER PEOPLE MUST ACKNOWLEGE

9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

8. Life is sexually transmitted.

7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

6. Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

3. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

2. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow. 

* * *

WONDERFUL WORDS NOW EXTINCT

The other day a not so elderly (75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said "What the heck is a Jalopy?" OMG (new phrase)! He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old... but not that old. Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

Some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."

Back in the olden days we had a lot of 'moxie.' We'd put on our best 'bib and tucker' to ‘straighten up and fly right'.

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!

We were 'in like Flynn' and 'living the life of Riley'’, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers...AND DON'T FORGET.... Saddle Stitched Pants.

Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, Well, I'll be 'a monkey's uncle!' Or, This is a 'fine kettle of fish'! We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. Where have all those great phrases gone? (My Favorite)" Let's all go to the beach Saturday"...

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels.

Wake up and smell the roses. It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! ("Carter's Little Liver Pills" are gone too!) Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth...

See ya later, alligator!

* * *

STARTLING TRUTHS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW

* -- Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only. Ladies Forbidden'... and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

* -- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

* -- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

* -- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

* -- Coca-Cola was originally green.

* -- It is impossible to lick your elbow.

* -- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

* -- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

* -- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

* -- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400

* -- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

* -- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

* -- The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

* -- In the 1400's a law was set forth in England  that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

* -- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

* -- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts – Charlemagne; Clubs - Alexander, the Great; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar

* -- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

* -- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

* -- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

* -- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace

* -- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?  A. Obsession

* -- Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One thousand.

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women.

* -- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

* -- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day

* -- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase....'Goodnight, sleep tight'

* -- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey wine and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

* -- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

* -- Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

* -- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

* * *

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2018 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail.

royexum@aol.com



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