Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

  • Saturday, March 24, 2018
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
I don’t make much of a secret that I hated every single second of the short time I spent in college or that I never took a journalism class. Instead what I know about writing was taught by a far greater collection of experts than you can find on any college campus. Andy Rooney, for example, was a genius with a dry humor who lectured to me almost every Sunday night for about 30 years. I would adore his sweet closing comments on the weekly “60 Minutes” episodes and would listen for his pauses, the way he delivered a punchline, and “the flow” of his stories.

He would do a monologue, “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney” and in my email box this week, where I collect the Saturday Funnies each week, was a list of “What I’ve Learned.” This is the stuff I love.
So how fitting we kick off this Saturday’s Funnies with some classic Andy Rooney. It will remind me, in my Palm Sunday prayers tomorrow, to thank the Lord for the teachers He continues to send my way. I consider everyone a teacher.

Understand, I wrote none of what you are going to read this morning. All of this material was sent to me by my Internet friends and I publish what’s printable every Saturday in hopes they’ll make you smile – and learn -- as much as they do me.

* * *

HERE IS SOME OF WHAT ANDY ROONEY SHARED ON ’60 MINUTES’

I’VE LEARNED … That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I’VE LEARNED … That when you're in love, it shows.        

I’VE LEARNED … That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I’VE LEARNED … That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I’VER LEARNED … That being kind is more important than being right.

I’VE LEARNED … That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I’VE LEARNED … That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in any other way.

I’VE LEARNED … That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I’VE LEARNED … That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I’VE LEARNED … That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I’VE LEARNED … That life is like a roll of toilet paper -- The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I’VE LEARNED … That money doesn't buy class.

I’VE LEARNED … That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I’VE LEARNED … That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I’VE LEARNED … That to ignore the facts … does not change the facts.

I’VE LEARNED … That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I’VE LEARNED … That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I’VE LEARNED That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I’VE LEARNED That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I’VE LEARNED That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I’VE LEARNED … That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I’VE LEARNED … That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I’VE LEARNED … That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I’VE LEARNED … That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I’VE LEARNED … That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I’VE LEARNED … That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I’VE LEARNED … That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, you're hooked for life.

I’VE LEARNED … That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I’VE LEARNED … That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

* * *

A DELIGHTFUL LEFTOVER FROM ST. PATRICK’S DAY

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. 

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Not before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

* * *

A DOG, A MONKEY, A COW AND WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

* * *

WE GREW UP WITH ‘DRUG’ PROBLEMS TOO

The other day, a woman standing next to me at the store in our small town read that a meth lab had been found in an old farm house in the adjoining county, and she asked me a rhetorical question …

Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?

I told her I did have a drug problem when I was growing up.

I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials, no matter the weather.  I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectable to adults. I was also drug upstairs to my room or woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher.  Or, if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink if I uttered a profane word or smoked a cigarette (I do know what soap taste like). I was drug out to pull weeds in Mom's garden and flower beds and to clear cocklebur's out of Dad's fields. I was drug to homes of family friends and neighbors to help some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, and chop firewood, and if my Mom had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

These drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think.  They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place to live today!

* * *

THE VALUE OF A GOOD, HONEST VOCABULARY

I called an old Auburn classmate and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed.

However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

* * *

FIVE OF THE BEST ANDY ROONEY QUOTES

* -- “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

* -- “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.”

* -- “Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.’”

* -- “If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.”

* -- “Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.”

 royexum@aol.com
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