Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, April 21, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
All of us who marvel at the sound of bagpipes at a funeral realize the majesty that people like piper Scottie Maclellan can lend to any “homecoming” and for years there has been a wonderful tale out of Nova Scotia that leads this week’s parade of The Saturday Funnies. Mind you, I do not write these stories, as many who have followed man’s laughter down through the years can attest, but each week my inbox is overflowing with stories we like to share. This one is a classic.
“Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life,” the piper begins his tale.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
As I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost ... it's “a man thing.”
* * *
THESE ANONYMOUS ONE-LINERS ARE JUST TOO RICH !
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect," so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Miss Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking for it.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don't have to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Money is the root of all wealth.
* * *
THE LADY & HER UMBRELLA - A TOUCHING STORY
On a rainy afternoon, a group of protesters were gathered outside the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice said, "Don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.  All three died so a naive, ignorant, self-centered bimbo like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country, and if you touch me again, I'll shove this umbrella right down your throat and open it!" 
* * *
MURPHY THE PAINTER SOLVES A DILEMMA
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; and in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."


The Mystery Of The “Surplus” City Buildings - And Response

Mayor Berke’s Administration recently asked the Chattanooga City Council to declare “surplus” three city owned buildings near City Hall so they could be sold to private developers.   Property is typically considered "surplus" when it no longer serves the needs of the city and, therefore, the public. Two of the buildings are currently being used. Where are these employees ... (click for more)

The Saga Of The King Street Parking Lot - And Response

In July 2016, Mayor Berke’s staff asked City Council to declare "surplus" a heavily used city employee parking lot on King Street. Council then was asked to transfer title to the Chattanooga Downtown Redevelopment Corporation (CDRC), a city entity. In their presentation to Council, City staff said that they had been talking for a several years to the developer of the adjacent ... (click for more)

NAACP Wants Answers On Snafu That Caused 43 Ballots Not To Be Counted In Recent Hamilton County Election

Officials of the NAACP said they have "grave concerns" about an election snafu in Hamilton County that left the ballots of 43 voters uncounted in the Aug. 2 election. The group said there has been little information given on the complex problem involving an earlier shift in voter lines. They have written a letter to Mark Goins, state election coordinator, and Kerry Steelman, ... (click for more)

Hearing Delay On Suit Brought By State Democrats To Keep Robin Smith Off Ballot

A hearing has been delayed on a lawsuit brought by the Tennessee Democratic Party seeking to keep Republican Robin Smith off the ballot in House District 26. Ms. Smith was the only candidate after longtime Rep. Gerald McCormick abruptly announced he was leaving his post to move to Nashville. Chancellor Jeff Atherton on Monday afternoon said he could not take the case until ... (click for more)

Rectors Lead Hixson Past Lady Bucs In Season Opener

Robert Catlett may have been a little bit nervous before Hixson’s first volleyball match of the season Monday evening, but the guy who is now the head coach for the Lady Wildcats after many years as their assistant didn’t seem to show it. Hixson hosted the Boyd-Buchanan Lady Buccaneers in both team’s season opener and it was also the first match for first year Lady Buc coach ... (click for more)

Ooltewah Opens Volleyball Season With 3-1 Win Over Red Bank

Ooltewah defeated Red Bank, 3-1, Monday to open the Lady Owls’ 2018 volleyball season. Scores were 22-25, 25-11, 25-14 and 25-21. Madeline Mills, Jensen Davis, Ariel Reid and Cheyanne Sales led the Lady Owls with solid performances against the Lady Lions in the match played at Ooltewah. Mills had nine kills, 19 assists, 15 digs and two aces. Davis contributed 10 ... (click for more)