Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, May 19, 2018
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

The entire Western Hemisphere is breathlessly awaiting today’s Royal Wedding where Meghan Markle will be united in Holy Matrimony to England’s dashing Price Harry but it may well be the nuptials will take a second billing. Sir Harry is alleged to have said during his ‘Stag Party” (the British equivalent to bachelor’s parties in America) the ultimate quote earlier this week.

Some newspaper wag allegedly asked the young Royal about the “stag party” his groomsmen held in his honor earlier this week and Prince Harry reportedly replied in a way never to be forgotten by generations, “It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

So, as we head into this week’s version of The Saturday Funnies, please remember I wrote none of these; they are stories my friends send me though my email every day and I reprint them in hopes laughter will be your companion  until a new week begins on Monday …

* * *

MORE TRUE-TO-LIFE WORD DEFINITIONS

Clever definitions for my intellectual readership...

BEAUTY PARLOR -- A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS -- The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE -- A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST -- Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST -- Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF -- Cold Storage.

INFLATION -- Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO -- An insect that makes you like flies better.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS -- A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

SECRET -- A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON -- A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE -- The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW -- One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN -- An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES -- Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

OLD -- I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"

* * *

LITTLE JOHNNY GOES TO SUNDAY SCHOOL

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, and asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

* * *

THIS WEEK’S LESSON IN REAL LIFE

Someone told me that a way of getting past my anger was to write a letter to every single person that had ever done me wrong, and then burn them.

So I did. But now I have nobody to send the letters to.

* * *

A VERDICT EVEN BETTER THAN THE COURT CASE

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. Since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed sexual assault charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

* * *

HOW THE BIBLE GOT THE MARIJUANA LAW PASSED

On a single day recently, Washington State recently passed two laws.

They are: 1) legalized gay marriage, and 2) legalized marijuana use.

One sponsor claimed legalizing gay marriage and marijuana on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: “If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned.”

* * *

LITTLE JOHNY AND THE HALLOWEEN CANDY

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own business."

* * *

HOW TO HANDY A FUSSY GRANDFATHER

A grouchy grandfather was scolding his young grandson in a mean way, blurting, “Your generation relies too much on technology!"

The kid replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology and I can prove it," he yelled, just before he unplugged the old man’s  life support.

* * *

THE SNAIL THAT COULD TALK

A man hears a knock on his door and answers it, looks around but doesn't see anyone. He looks down and there's a snail. The snail says: "Would you like to buy some magazines?"

The man replies: "Get out of here!" and actually kicks the snail out into the garden.

A year goes by and the man hears another knock on the door. It’s the snail again.

The snail says: "What was that all about?!"

* * *

ONE OF LITTLE JOHNNY’S ALL-STAR MOMENTS

A school teacher decided to play a game on Friday afternoon where she would let any students out early who could identify a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back, and Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those little witches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you Monday?"

* * *

THE DAY HE DECIDED TO BE ‘THE MAN OF THE HOUSE’

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House”.

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.' You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want!

“Then you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife’s rely was classic. She replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I decide to have you cremated, Mr. Moron.”

* * *

THIS IS MALE LOGIC AT ITS BEST

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in one year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?

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royexum@aol.com


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