Just before July 4
th, Carol Mutter, the Mayor of Lookout Mountain, received this email from a Mr. Arthur Voyer and it is only fitting it will lead this edition of The
Saturday Funnies. Remember, the Funnies are emails sent to me during the week and I neither write them or validate them; they are only presented as an effort for us to share out laughter.
“DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME – I’M FROM LOOKOUT MTN.
TN!”
Mr. Voyer begins, “Those words were spoken to me 51 years ago while I was an Air Force medic working the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) at Clark Air Base in the Philippines in 1967. Clark was a major hospital receiver of Vietnam causalities due to its close proximity, only an hour away.
“I had an injured soldier who had lost both his legs in a land mine explosion. In spite of his injuries, he was always upbeat and smiling all the time. He had a "good old boy charm" about him despite his situation and always had a positive view of his situation. One time on my rounds he told me "Hey Voyer, the Doc tells me that I will be going home at the end of the week"
“I said that was good news, but he might want to prepare himself for the strong anti-war movement back home, that's when he said to me "Don't you worry about me I am from Lookout Mountain TN, Hell, I am a d--- hero, they will probably have a parade for me when I get home!"
“I told him I hope that is the case because he deserved it and I wished him well. Unfortunately, I cannot remember his name and he came back to me today as I was thinking of all the vets that served on this July 4th. More than ever today we need those 'small town values' to exist for our vets.”
- - -
If anyone knows the identity of this wounded veteran, please email
royexum@aol.com. If he didn’t get that parade when he got home, just so happens Lookout Mountain has got a few extra parades in its saddle bags.
* * *
HOW HIGH IS A FLAG POLE?
Ray and Joe, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Joe, “But we don’t have a ladder.” The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!”
Ray and Joe are still working for the government. But now they are Congressmen.
* * *
FIVE GREAT SMART ALECK ANSWERS
* -- It was mealtime during an airline charter flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
* -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
* -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead."
* -- The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
* -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: ‘Low Bridge Ahead.’ Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
* * *
THE GREATEST WINE EXPERT WAS A MARINE
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... Experienced wine taster needed – Position begins immediately.
A retired Marine sergeant named Gunny, drunk and with a ragged dirty look and smelling of last night's rounds, strolled by the building and saw the sign. He went into the building to apply for the position.
Aghast at his appearance, the director wondered how to send him away but, to be fair, he gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old "jarhead" held the glass up to his left eye, tilted his head toward incoming sunlight and studied the contents looking through the glass. He then took a sip and said, "It's a Southern California Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Somewhat low-grade but acceptable."
“That's correct," said the boss. Glancing at his assistant he said..."Another one, please."
The old Marine took the goblet, full of a deep red liquid, stuck his nose into the glass, sniffed deeply and took a long slow sip … rolling his eyeballs in a circle, he then looked at the director and said... "It's a Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass." said the director.
Receiving another glass, again, the Marine eyed the crystal, took in a little bit of the aroma and sipped very softly...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, very high grade and exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly.
The director was astonished and winked at his assistant to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a wine glass half-full of urine.
The old Sergeant eyed it suspiciously...a color he could not quite recall. He took a sip, musing upward all the while. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Never, ever, underestimate the talents of a non-commissioned officer of the Marine Corps.
* * *
GIVE BUBBA ANOTHER CHANCE
Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.
At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.
The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"
Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
A PASTOR IN ALABAMA WHO NEVER SAW IT COMING
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed, and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a figure that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were ‘a wizard under the sheets.’"
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
Give me an Amen!
* * *
BREAKFAST AT THE FRIENDLY TRUCK STOP
For those who travel, often the best food is a truck stop. I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone actually ordered their breakfast as this guy did?
A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires... means three pancakes; a pair of headlights... is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
'Oh... OK!' said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie? (I love this one...!)
She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!’
(Don’t you love it when the blonde sometimes wins!)